UnNews:Obama finds cure for cancer, conservatives in unanimous opposition

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29 March 2010

Bend over and cough.

WASHINGTON D.C., USA--United States President Barack Obama, MD, has created a vaccination that has been shown to prevent an onset of cancer nearly 98% of the time. Conservatives unanimously oppose his findings, citing cost concerns and moral implications.

"The American people don't want another bankrupt government program to distribute a clearly faulty vaccine," Senator Mitch McConnel said in a press conference yesterday. "This vaccination will create unfair competition for the private sector and spend funding that could better be used for warfare."

The Cancer Prevention Act currently has over 200 co-sponsors in the House of Representatives. Republican Senators have referred it to the newly created House Sub-Committee on Acts of Liberal Fascism, insisting it go through the entire parliamentary procedure. The bill must clear both the Sub-Committee and the Committee before being brought to the House for a vote.

Following the House vote, if the bill passes, it must wait the mandatory 18 months before being brought to a potential vote on the Senate floor.

"Our government is seriously fucked up," one constituent wrote. "Can't we just pass the damn thing already?"

Senate Republicans have prepared a set of amendments for voting. One provision suggested by a freshman Senator will add $500 million to the price tag in funding for the perverted arts. Another would create a permanent funding source for the National Endowment of Testicular Monstrosity.

The nonpartisan website Conservapedia headlined their news page with "Liberal Destruction Continues: Obama Supports Cancer Bill."