UnNews:OpEd Columns Editorials Letters/Janitors Closet

Dear Chief Janitorial Editor,
I have written an series of articles about the Illuminati, submitted it to UnNews, and then they seem to disappear. I can find no records that the articles ever existed. I suspect some sort of virus has invaded my computer and deleted the backed-up copies of my articles as well, but cannot as yet, prove it. A little help here?

Suzy Creamcheese

Dear Ms. Creamcheese,

Let me begin by saying you've got some sweet ass. We mean that in the nicest possible way. Really! When we see that tight butt, we always say, "I'd follow that ass to hell for a piece" We know this because there's a camera behind you. In fact, there are 7 cameras dispersed about the room, giving us pretty much a 360 view. That is because we're piggybacking on the Illuminati computer network. They don't even suspect we're doing it. They're pretty stupid.

Don't fret about your lost articles. We have recovered them from deletion by the Trilateral Commision, who operate at the behest of the Illuminati, and will publish them when the Cabal sees fit we feel it will make the strongest impact as journalism.

Yours in cleanliness and sanitation,

The Editorial Stiff

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Dear Chief Janitorial Editor, Uncyclopedia et al.
So, who cares if I don't return. I'll make this short. I have nothing funny to add or to write about anymore. Don't be e-mailing me or looking for me online because all I will do is just plain fuckin' ignoring you little shits! Anyway, have fun insulting one another & pissing on any article you wish to change. I won't be around nor will I ever be coming back to this site. I'm through, I'm done, & I'm outta here!!!!!!

See ya around, trolls!
JGordon

Dear JGordon,

As always, delighted to hear from a complete and utter douche bag. I am particularly pleased that you want us to leave you alone, in compliance with Uncyclopedia Rule 88, Section 3 How To Get On With Life, which reads, "In the event that a user decides to become an UnUser, just bloody well leave the mewling little git alone." No one is quite sure what that means, or if it indeed exists.

If you don't like it, you can sit on my lap face down, blow me, suck the free end of my throbbing member, et cetera, etcetera.

Hygienically yours,

The Editorial Stiff

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Dear Chief Janitorial Editor,
Is there a Mrs. Chief Janitorial Editor? Perhaps you would like to meet my sister. She is very nice. She can pull plow and milk cow. Her vagin [sic] is tight like BP oil rig.

CE8eYGaz

Dear CE8eYGaz,

I never divulge my marital status, as I find it counters my efforts to get laid more. As for your sister, I would like to know more about your offer. As fate would have it, I've been considering starting a dairy farm in my back yard. I also plan to grow much of my own cattle feed. I am in a position to offer a modest sum for a long-term lease of contract labor.

Being ignorant of the oil trade jargon, I wonder, is "vagin" a technical term associated with oil drilling? And, if so, are you making veiled references to some sort of sexual act or acts? Because, if this is so, I am at a complete loss as to what exactly you are talking about, and whether it's good or bad. Please elaborate. You can use the same e-mail address to send photos, terms and a brief resume and list of acceptable sex acts, with and without barn animals. Cheers!

Yours in cleanliness and sanitation,

The Editorial Stiff

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Dear Chief Janitorial Editor,
Why are you such a Nazi fuck? You're like Mussolini, telling everybody to shot the fuck up. I hate you. You suck. You can't tell me what to do.

A Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned & Stupid,

I've been inspired to write an article about a twat who invokes Godwin's Law, without having a clue as to it's meaning. Oh, wait... that's you! Invoking Reductio ad Hitlerum as a way to bolster your argument makes you look like an idiot . You're obviously one of those self-important, mewling douche bags trying to pass as insightful and above the judgment of others. We're on to you, buddy. This is a community, dickbag. Disrespecting admins, like disrespecting anybody in general, will ultimately make you the loser. The only real difference, as far as you should be concerned, is that I and other admins can ban you permanently if I feel like it. Fair warning; stop being such a dick. Cheers!

P. S. I'm the pretentious douche bag around here. Got that?

Concerned Citizen singing the praises of reverting Admins

Janitorially yours,

The Editorial Stiff

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Dear Janitors Closet,
Why don't you just fuck off and die?

A disgruntled reader

Dear Reader,

Why don't you.

Janitorially yours,

The Editorial Stiff