UnNews:PM Johnson to keep Nicola Sturgeon as pet

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PM Johnson to keep Nicola Sturgeon as pet

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Tuesday, August 13, 2019, 09:14:59 (UTC)

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24 July 2019

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

LONDON, United Kingdom -- Boris Johnson’s first instruction in office as the UKs new Prime Minister is to bring Scotland First Minister Nicola Sturgeon to No 10, to keep as a pet for company and stimulation during his tenure. Johnson is aware it’s going to be lonely at the top, especially being an embarrassing gaff-prone maverick who now needs to remain hidden as much as plausible.

Top Civil Servants have supported the decision, having already mooted concerns with the new PM that idle hands make the devil’s work. Johnson concurred: “Idle est manus diaboli opus est scriptor indeed, old boy, got to keep the old manus in the trousers and not try anything diabolic with the help this time!”

Leader of the Scottish Conservatives, Ruth Davidson, has been issued a budget and a Pets at Home purchase order for a retriever-sized cage, St George dog basket, a Union Jack collar, and squeaky haggis toy. A monthly standing order delivery has been set up for Winalot with gravy, tripe training treats, and dried pigs ears for chews.

As Sturgeon will be stubborn, difficult to train and needs a firm hand, No. 10 staff have made Johnson promise he will follow their puppy training book for Bull Terriers — the Donald Trumps of the canine genus. They were adamant that the PM stick to the programme, as they are still trying to re-home Northern Ireland First Minister Arelene Foster, after Theresa May failed to be strong and assertive and now just shits all over the office.

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.