UnNews:Pharaoh Philip dies of old age

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Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, April 18, 2024, 21:57:59 (UTC)
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10 April 2021

Last known photo of Pharaoh Phil.

LONDON, United Kingdom -- Crowds cried, dogs barked, and petrol bombs were thrown in Belfast as one of Britain's greatest leaders, Pharaoh Philip, died at his Windsor temple. An adopted son of Great Britain, Philip was just a couple of months short of his century when death bowled him a googly and claimed his mortal wicket. So now our great pharaoh is walking towards that great shooting lodge in the sky where he will be to bag a few angels.

Like Moses, Philip was found in an orange box floating out to sea. He was rescued and brought to Britain in a battleship, thus avoiding immigration control and detention in a prison camp. Philip tried to scrape a living as a fluent German-speaker, promoting motor vehicles from the Third Reich. When the Second World War began, he ignored family pressure to join the Nazis and instead chose to stay in Britain. It was there he met his princess when she volunteered to change his oil. Thinking this was a come-on and unfamiliar with British ways of courting, Philip married her. She was Queen Elizabeth II. In a few short years they would become the rulers of a great empire.

Philip had been unwell some time. His long career of shaking a lot of hands and shooting a lot of wildlife had taken their toll on his Constitution (the British one). Privately, he longed to rule as Pharaoh, but Elizabeth was more like her great Egyptian ancestor Queen Hatshepsut and took full control instead. Philip liked the title of Pharaoh but personally had no time for the people there. He didn't have time for many people, come to think of it, especially in Britain.

Pharaoh Philip is removed from Windsor for additional medical checks. (He's dead Jim).

News of Philip's death was released on 9th April 2021. It has lead to hysterical vox-pops from anxious media organisations to prove that Philip will be missed and mourned. Officially, Britain has gone into an enforced lockdown, the first one not involving coronavirus. Birds have been banned from singing and favourite television shows have been replaced by repeated news items showing onion-encouraged grief. Many people have been told Pharaoh Philip's death was caused by Meghan Markle's recent interview on the Oprah Winfrey show. That was apparently the 'last straw' for the ancient Pharaoh. His last will apparently makes provision for him to be embalmed and mummified so he will physically be in a position to welcome the Queen when she eventually joins him inside the same tomb.

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