UnNews:Report: More Americans getting high from pot than from corn or soybeans

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18 December 2006

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HUMBOLDT, California -- A study released today by the marijuana advocacy group N.O.R.M.L. (National Organization For Getting Baked and Ordering Pizza) shows that, for the first time, marijuana is America's largest cash crop at $35,000,000,000, out-selling both corn and soybeans. To many expert, this is proof that more Americans are getting high from marijuana than from any other cash crop.

Local stoner Jeremy Metnick agrees with the studies' findings. "Aw, dude, I tried smoking corn husks, banana peels, peanut butter. I rolled up some edamame, but nothing. I even went into the mom's spice rack and tried the sage and the oregano, but no dice. Then I tried pot. Yeah, that did the trick."

N.O.R.M.L. spokesperson Jon Gettman, speaking at a press conference today, had this to say: "Yo, Turtle. Turtle! Yo, man, where's... where's the report?"

Turtle, presumably Mr. Gettman's assistant or something, he was kind of hanging around, responded: "Ah, bra, this morning? When we got up? We were out of Zig-zags? And you rolled it."

Mr. Gettman: "Dude, I rolled the report?! No way!"

Turtle: "You rolled it and you smoked it, bra."

Mr. Gettman: "Fuuuck."

Tom Riley, a spokesman for the White House Office of National Drug Policy, seemed to feel America was right in the global mainstream concerning drug consumption. "Coca is Colombia's largest cash crop and that's worked out for them, and opium poppies are Afghanistan's largest crop, and they're all totally high over there," Riley said. "Weed is just America's drug of choice and the lesson I think we all can take from this is: Smoke 'em if you got 'em!""

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