UnNews:Republicans run like rats
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Saturday, April 20, 2024, 10:16:59 (UTC) |
| Republicans run like rats | 
|
10 May 2016
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A stampede has begun in the U.S. capital, as Republicans, who had shamed Donald Trump into signing a deal that none would refuse to support the winner or go off and start a third party, have all done exactly that.
Hash Tag Never Trump has given way to Hash Tag I'd Rather Eat Dirt and Hash Tag Take Me In Your Ever-Lovin' Arms Hillary, as leader after leader declares he cannot countenance a Trump candidacy. The twenty conservative pundits who wrote a special "Churl of the Year" edition of National Review are locked into their position and cannot get on board now without risking H-bomb radiation ("Hypocrite!").
House Speaker Paul Ryan, who will be holding the gavel in Cleveland, says he is "not ready" to deal with the man whose nomination is Cleveland's only real business. The entire Bush dynasty, oddly silent during eight years of Obama depredations, vows to be silenter regarding the best way to keep them from continuing. John McCain has sent regrets, as he will be back in Arizona claiming his primary opponent is not a perfect conservative. Mitt Romney is also mum, though Karl Rove notes that every hair is in perfect place and none of them has begun turning gray.
Thus the entire Republican Party, which spent its six years of domination of Congress writing me-too immigration amnesty and me-too free health care plans, resists having a me-too candidate with no vision or knowledge of American civics but just a belief that he can fix stuff without Congress using only personal charisma and name-calling, with a me-too campaign that everyone should "hope" for "change."
Sen. Lindsey Graham (?-SC) vows to cross over and vote for Hillary. "The only thing that can save the nation now," he said, "is a President who is too unlikeable to achieve her agenda," speaking as an expert.
Trump himself was sanguine. "Even the Patriots, after pledging their 'lives, fortunes, and sacred honor,' mostly went back to their shops and farms. I imagine, probably. Some of them. It's sad, really. You wouldn't believe how sad."
TV networks are preparing refunds to advertisers as this Cleveland World Series ends in one quick rout rather than going to a full seven games. In fact, the only reason anyone would watch, apart from seeing what new jabs Trump can throw at Hillary Clinton, is to see whether Carly Fiorina, fresh from a failed presidential bid and a failed two-day bid as the Vice President of Ted Cruz, will attempt some sort of third failed bid, which would be a single-season Party record. However, there will be metal detectors at the convention hall.
After Cruz's masterful ground game guiding the selection of actual delegates, roughly 60% of the Cleveland attendees hate Trump's guts despite being bound by law to vote for him on the first ballot. The Party's only hope to salvage dignity and make the world safe for log-rolling, given that Cruz and everyone else have "suspended their campaigns," is a bomb scare or an air raid during the voting, after which Chairman Ryan could say, "Where were we? I forget. Let's take a second vote."
Trump would react that the system is broken and corrupt, as he did in every state where he did not get a bigger share of delegates than votes. However, by now, to quote Miz Hillary, that is old news and it is time for the nation to Move On. What difference — at this point — does it make? The 2016 ticket of Romney/Ryan will correct the small mistakes it made in 2012 that made four million Republicans stay home compared to 2008, and cruise to victory even without the 47% of voters Romney admitted would never vote for them.
Sources[edit]
- Philip Rucker, Paul Kane and Robert Costa "Ryan says he is ‘not ready’ to back Trump, deepening GOP divide". Washington Post, May 5, 2016
- David K. Li "Bush family silent on 2016 race". New York Post, May 5, 2016
Update
NEAR A TELEPHONE, Texas -- Presidential loser Ted Cruz, during a phone interview with talk radio host Glenn Beck on Tuesday, hinted that, if he should carry the primary in Nebraska despite "suspending his campaign," closing his offices, and not visiting the state, he would "respond accordingly," becoming the first prize-fighter who, after "tapping out" of a twelve-round boxing match, tapped back in.
However, Trump adviser Sam Clovis told CNN, a network vitally interested in the well-being of the Republican Party, that if Cruz contemplates "trying to jump back in, it damages his brand," though Clovis did not mention anything about the Senator's kneecaps.
Cruz told his host that the conservative movement "remains strong and vibrant" despite being trounced by a carnival barker. Though he has had his differences with the Party, Cruz sought to reinforce his bona fides with some virtuoso dithering on whether he was "endorsing" Trump, how he would vote, or how anyone else should vote. Beck has dressed head-to-toe in black since Cruz "suspended his campaign," though this is not visible due to the technical limitations of radio.
Another source[edit]
- Doina Chiacu "Cruz winks at return to Republican race, but not holding his breath". Reuters, May 10, 2016