UnNews:Scientists discover swell new planets

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Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Friday, April 19, 2024, 13:13:59 (UTC)
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15 February 2017

Ooh, look at the planets! This artist's rendition, prepared at U.S. taxpayer expense, shows how these inviting vacation destinations might appear.

GLIESE 411B, Milky Way -- Scientists at the Keck Observatory in Hawaii have discovered 50 new planets, temptingly close to the Earth, including one that they are calling "Super Earth."

America's popular-science website NewsMax.com reported the find, announced by the University of Hertfordshire, by way of giving Republicans a break from weighing whether Gen. Flynn flipped last November's election away from Hillary Clinton or is being brought down by members of the intelligence community [sic] who ultimately want the head of Donald Trump on a platter, in order to determine definitively whether it is wearing a wig.

Among the 50 planets is one named Jack LaLanne 21185, a hot super-Earth-like planet orbiting the fourth closest star to our first-closest Sun. LaLanne was named for the famous bodybuilder, 21185 being his Alabama ZIP code. LaLanne orbits its sun, Gliese 411b, once every ten days, a discovery that will be heartening for Americans facing the imminent third blizzard in a week with nowhere left to move the snow.

"It is fascinating that all the nearest stars seem to have planets orbiting them," said Mikko Tuomi of Hertfordshire. He allowed that it is more fascinating after a bit of marijuana, and even more so that the taxpayer foots the bill. "This helps us better understand the formation processes of planetary systems," he added, something no one would spend his own money on.

LaLanne will surely be sunny on each of the ten days of its year, and might have some way of preventing skin cancers. With any luck, it will have plenty of attractive beach properties, and its oceans might even be based on water and not gasoline.

To be sure, the scientists did not "see" the planets, but rather detected that the nearby stars have a wobble that suggested that planets are orbiting them, or else that they are merely "shaking their Boötes" to flirt with astronomers. The scientists anticipate a rush to organize the 50 planets into a Galactic Federation, complete with intrigue, treachery, and sex scandals that might compete with the stuff coming out of Washington, D.C. right now. Hilton Lewis at Keck said, "If we act now, we can hold out for Earth to name the Federation President every other term."

Congress is expected to shelve Trump's call for lower taxes and repeal of Obama-care, and focus on measures to ensure fair pricing of any packaged tours to the new galactic vacation Mecca.

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