UnNews:Snake pleads not guilty, claims self defence

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11 September 2020

The accused (top) at a press conference with snake sign language translator below.

NONTHABURI, Thailand -- A black python residing in Nonthaburi, Thailand has pleaded not guilty to assault on a deadly weapon. In a press conference, the python has claimed that he was only acting in self defence when he saw another snake descending upon him. Below is the transcription from the audio recording by professional snake hissperer Slim Beadeye:

"I was relaxing in what I thought was a nice cool pond when I looked up and saw what looked like a giant anaconda dangling down above me. Everything got really dark and I thought that this was the end. In my last ditch attempt to stay alive. I struck up and bit the anaconda's head. Suddenly there was a great commotion, the lights came on again and I was dragged from my resting place in the pond. I could feel something attacking me and finally I let go and managed to get away from it. Believe me, I was more afraid of it than it was of me. Then I find myself being arrested and hauled off to court. What kind of justice is it when a poor black snake can't even defend himself?"

In a relatively happy ending, Siraphop Masukarat, the owner of the attacked organ, has agreed not to sue for compensation if he can post the python's story on a number of dating sites. The presiding magistrate has cautioned the python and sentenced him to life imprisonment in the local zoo.

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