UnNews:Surprise winner of Masters Golf Tournament cries "Ow!"

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9 April 2012

Charlize dons the customary green jacket worn by the winner of The Masters. "It tickles," Charlize said.

Augusta, GEORGIA - The world is fast beating a path to the door of little 6-year-old Charlize Niacin, who came from ten strokes behind in the final round to win the 76th Masters Golf Tournament.

With the tournament seemingly out-of-reach of the young girl - who the Augusta National Golf Club invited to play to placate protest groups clamoring for women and children to participate in the traditionally male-only adult-dominated event - Chalize started to use her driver like a croquet mallet and began slamming the ball down the fairway in a frightening display of power and child's play.

"Unbelievable, unbelievable, it's throw me under a bus and step on the gas unbelievable," cried commentator Jim Nantz, "I've never seen anything like this in my life and I've seen women raped by alligators. Unbelievable!"

"These new drivers are so big," Charlize explained after shooting a record 59 in the final round, "that all you have to do is point them at something, close your eyes, make a wish, and then Bam! Do you want to see my horsey?"

Charlize's horsey.

Tiger Woods, who led the tournament for zero rounds and finished well behind even the most inept caddies who shot nine-holes after everyone else had gone for the day, was so angry at Charlize that when he saw her in the Club's legendary Walter Hagen parking lot on her way to celebrate her win at a nearby Chuckles Cheese, he loudly yelled "Goddamnit!" and kicked a seven-iron straight at her mouth, missing the hole by a few inches yet again. "Ow! Ow! Ow!" said Charlize, holding her bruised little shoulder. But she quickly recovered, smiled, and forgave Woods, because that's what Jesus would do. "Goddamit!" Tiger exclaimed, glaring at her as he walked away.

Charlize made quick work of the revered course, storming around Amen Corner like it was a plate of spaghetti-O's and she was a daddy-sized fork, and handling the pine forests lining the fairways as if they were plushy posts in a playground and she was a zooom zoooom racer. When Charlize putted in her final shot croquet-style from 70 feet away on the 18th - her third longest putt of the day - the fans erupted in cheers not heard here since Bobby Jones clubbed Jack Nicklaus over the head with a mashie niblick.

When asked if she planned to enter the remaining three majors of the year - the Open Championship, the U.S. Open, and the PGA, Charlize ducked under the hood of the coveted green jacket and said "I don't want to play anymore." She then popped her head out real fast.

"Did you hear the birds and see the butterflies?" she asked the reporters, "'cause I did!"


  • Golf Digest, CBS Sports, ESPN Sports, Charlize's horsey

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