UnNews:Swalwell offers idea to interest public in impeachment

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20 November 2019

Swalwell's antic was by far the biggest report of the week on MSNBC.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Rep. Eric Swalwell (DCA) has approached Rep. Adam Schiff (DCA), chairman of the House Intelligence [sic] Committee with an idea that the former calls "unprecedented."

The idea follows a remarkable appearance by Swalwell Monday night on MSNBC's Hardball with Chris Matthews. The cable news network has gotten bolder since the 2020 Democratic primary campaign at letting obscenities go live on air even during prime time when children are watching, but Swalwell, by all accounts, let air go live on air, transitioning from noisy to noisome, in a national gastric event that is unprecedented, at least since the invention of the seven-second delay.

Swalwell said: "Chris, so far the evidence is uncontradicted that the President used taxpayer dollars to help him cheat praaaaappp! an election."

Video of the passage has gone viral and has been analyzed to death. There is a theory that the gross sound is "merely" host Matthews sliding a coffee cup across the table, as well as a theory that the effect was added in the studio. A motive might have been to mask a word from Swalwell's sentence. For example, Swalwell might have merely assumed the President to "cheat in an election," which everyone does, rather than to "cheat an election," that is, to steal it outright, which the majority on the Intelligence Committee believes, despite its current digression into bribery and Latin phrases.

Rep. Elise Stefanik (R–NY) was rewarded for her rhetorical slicing and dicing of majority witnesses by this unkind shoop. She has every reason to suspect that a good performance in Swalwell's proposed Flatulence Rodeo would be greeted by equally mortifying audio "deep fakes."

Swalwell himself tweeted, "It was not me!!!!!" — an assertion that rarely works on the grade-school playground even if one declines one's nouns properly. Nevertheless, analysis of the video shows that, at precisely the moment the "sound effect" is heard, Swalwell is seen changing his posture and perhaps raising one leg to "aim" the alleged blast at the show's token conservative. One hand cannot be seen, and it is also possible he was readying a cigarette lighter to add pyrotechnics to the shocking display.

Fast forward back to the Intelligence Committee, in its second week of public interviews with government officials who have never met the President and have not listened to the felonious phone call, but are almost as unanimous that the President did something vile as viewers are that the hearings are a stink-bomb. The Washington Times has asserted that the hearings are "losing steam" and NBC concurred that they "lacked the pizzazz necessary to capture public attention."

Swalwell has contacted Chairman Schiff with a proposal that the so-called trump investigation be made worthy of the name. He has proposed a multi-round tournament where Republicans and Democrats would take part in a competition, measured both in seconds, decibels, and ppm-H2S.

Republicans are likely to continue their accusation that committee Democrats are structuring the hearings to give themselves an inherent advantage. However, the first round may already have occurred, as the original trump has tweeted that the Committee's "Republicans are absolutely killing it."