UnNews:Teens pass drivers test, Families prepare for funerals

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15 July 2006


Tommy Valenza flashes a thumbs-up to his stack of Hollister shirts on the side walk. He is expected to get in a fatal car crash within 5 hours of passing the test.

Missouri - Cindy Woodley stands in the doorway of the Drivers Examination Bureau with a motherly smile on her face minutes after receiving the news her daughter, Elizabeth, passed the test. Waving, she watches as Elizabeth jovially hops into the car, throws it in reverse, and is instantly killed in a collision with an oncoming Pepperidge Farms truck. The mother turns from the wreckage with a sad smile on her face and says "well, at least we were prepared."


The Woodley family had reserved a funeral service several weeks before the driving examination, knowing very well their daughter would not live to celebrate her passing grade. "I only wish I could have been there for her last minutes on earth" says Chuck Woodley, punching something into his planner "it would have been nice to give her a high five or maybe just an approving stare." Chuck works for Sony Entertainment, and could only devote 10 minutes to the funeral due to his busy work schedule of coding crabs.


Thanks to organizations like Mothers Against Unexpected Death (MAUD) and Canada, families no longer have to worry every time their drunken offspring drives out to some neighborhood Kegger. In fact, in most cases, parents should not even expect their children to return home alive. Several new-age records and figures have been gathered dealing with car crashes among teens, and according to statistics by Dick Cheney, the teen grouping to most likely die in a horrible heap of burning metal is the generic drunken Hollister frat queer (Their sexual orientation is usually unknown at this point in their life), as seen pictured above. These unsightly flunkies are expected to last about 4 to 10 hours after passing the test. One documented case shows a 17 year old boy from this grouping surviving nearly 14 hours, the longest ever recorded.


Other accident-prone groups include: cripples (see: Stephen Hawking), cyborgs, Robot Jesus, mentally challenged (as seen pictured above), racists, asians, babies, child star actors (see: Gary Coleman), people with two eyepatches, Goa'uld, Space Commanders, anime, and of course God. Experts (see: Seinfeld) warn us to stay away from these people on the roadways, and, if possible, kill them to make everyone else's lives a little bit easier. When questioned further on killing methods, Dick Cheney urged us to "use our imagination" and motioned to an immigrant lying face down in the corner.


Informational videos and brochures are being handed out around the country to prepare parents and families for their children's almost-certain death. These packets can be found at most license bureaus. Each packet contains a leaflet made of edible paper, and a short 6 hour animated video produced by world renowned anime creator, Walt Disney.

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