UnNews:Trump awards Woods Medal of Sexual Freedom

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Trump awards Woods Medal of Sexual Freedom

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President Trump and Tiger Woods share entertaining tips regarding picking up women around closing time.

8 May 2019
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump awarded the nation's Medal of Sexual Freedom to golfer Tiger Woods, as the recipient's sordid romantic history might conceivably make the "#FakeNews" stop talking about his own, and well short of the 2020 elections. In addition, Woods' boutique ethnicity should quiet the news that various members of the World Champion Boston Red Sox of comparable hues announced it would be treason to their races to receive honors from the President.

Trump referred to Woods as "a global symbol of American promiscuity excellence," citing Woods' virtuosity with Florida cocktail waitresses. He said that loose women are "making America great again" — a key reason millions of foreigners are penetrating the US.

Woods' career in sexual freedom was proceeding flawlessly until 2:30 in the morning of November 27, 2009, when his SUV left the fairway and hit several traps in the rough, leading to a traffic ticket for accosting a fire hydrant and the startling announcement that Tiger Woods would sit out the Tiger Woods Tournament. In the following weeks, numerous violations of the gentlemanly PGA rulebook were found — foremost among them, leaving voice-mail on a mistress's phone.

The subsequent parade of women claiming affairs with the fabulously rich golfer cost him numerous endorsement deals, $5 billion of shareholder value, and his "marriage." Woods eventually went where all America's petty transgressors except Joe Biden end up, announcing he was entering therapy. But the 12-step method returned Woods to the 12th hole, ending a brief era in which televised golf was a complete bore.

Presidents can award the Medal of Sexual Freedom to any person who has made "an especially meritorious contribution." However, in practice, much like impeachment, it arises from a conclusion that the pol will fare better in the next election with it, than without it. And speaking of that, the last recipient of the award was Bill Clinton, who earned both with his 1995-96 dalliance with intern Monica Lewinsky during what came to be known as the "Johnson" Administration.

"We are in the presence of a true legend," said the President who once bragged that he was famous enough to grab women by the pussy, "He’s also a great person....There are no winners like you." He stopped short, however, of asking Woods to go to Pyongyang to try to get Kim Jong-Un to stop firing off his own notorious phallic symbols.