UnNews:Trump faces re-impeachment for "Start your engines" quip

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Trump faces re-impeachment for "Start your engines" quip

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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Sunday, March 29, 2020, 05:49:59 (UTC)

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17 February 2020

Many Americans are unaware that the Presidential limousine is capable of speeds exceeding 300 mph and can go 200 miles without a "pit stop." And there is a movie theater in the back seat with IMAX and popcorn.

DAYTONA, Florida -- President Donald Trump attended the Daytona 500 and uttered the iconic command, "Gentlemen, start your engines!" But the remark drew more threats of reprisal from the nation's office-holders than when Mr. Trump told the Attorney General, "I would have given Roger Stone probation, please, if you know what's good for you."

Candidate Michael Bloomberg retorted, "These guys aren't 'gentlemen.' Toothless rubes is more like it. I can teach anyone how to be a race driver. One, get in the God-damned car. Two, turn the fucking key. Three, shift into Drive. Four, off you go. Information technology jobs are completely different. You need more grey matter." Mr. Bloomberg admitted that, in the absence of aptitude, a career change might be feasible anyway, for $2 billion or so.

Senator Elizabeth Warren chimed in. "Sooo...he says, 'Start your engines.' Well, they aren't 'your' engines. You didn't build that! Without courts and traffic cops and Obama's National Transportation Policy, you couldn't just buy an engine and start driving. Why, anyone who got here on an Interstate needs to thank Congress!"

Hillary Clinton, who Drudge reports is still coveting the job Mr. Trump holds, called half the crowd "deplorables" and said the other half is tragically frustrated at the continuing lack of federal subsidy for the racing fuel they guzzle.

Noting the overwhelmingly white audience at Daytona, Rep. Adam Schiff, Chairman of the House Intelligence* Committee, said that Mr. Trump had again shown himself to be a racist and a liar. Asked whether Rep. Schiff's charges rise to the level of impeachment, Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she would not take any options off the table.