UnNews:Trump jinxes Wall Street

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3 September 2020

The blue chips are in disfavor today.

NEW YORK CITY -- President Donald Trump has jinxed Wall Street.

Tweeting yesterday, he took personal credit for the run-up in the Dow Jones Industrial Average and resulting economic resurgence:

The Dow Jones Industrial just closed above 29,000! You are so lucky to have me as your President [Winking emoticon] With Joe Hiden' it would crash [Bewilderment emoticon]

—@realDonaldTrump, September 2, 2020

(The President learned what the "emoticon button" does only yesterday. The two emoticons indicated above cannot be reproduced in UnNews, as the Linotype machine does not contain an emoticon key and there have never been lead slugs for either emoticon.)

The President claims to be a baseball fan, but is shockingly unfamiliar with the concept of the "jinx," the need not to mention a historic feat such as pitching a no-hitter while it is happening. The person who does so bears full responsibility for his utterance causing the inevitable turnabout.

The President should be particularly circumspect, as his past initiatives have promptly blown up faster than a cheap El Producto, thanks mostly to the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals. Notable fracases include building a wall on the Southern border and invoicing President Lopez Obrador, suspending immigration from countries with handwritten driver's licenses, and fighting the coronavirus by inhaling Spic and Span through a vaporizer.

Sure enough, by late afternoon, the Industrials had shed some 1000 points. While thousand-point fluctuations have been a recurring feature of the coronavirus outbreak, CNN was quick to note that the subsequent run-up in stocks was "unsustainable" and thus the entire American economy was headed for the Recycle Bin until Joe Biden and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez can "build it back better," and meatless.

But Paul Krugman, Nobel Prize-winning New York Times economist and author of Arguing with Deplorables, was bullish. He tweeted, "I went for a run this morning and saw very few black-clad anarchists. Also, the city is not yet in flames." Trump adviser Larry Kudlow concurred, saying, "Next stop, 100,000!"