UnNews:Trump still in office

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Democracy Dies with Dignity UnNews Saturday, March 6, 2021, 22:52:59 (UTC)

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28 November 2020

President-reject Donald Trump.

Washington, D.C. -- President-reject Donald Trump has found a genius way to stay in office despite his decisive loss to Joe Biden. UnNews has confirmed that Donald Trump looks like staying in office for quite a long time.

UnNews: "President-reject Trump, you have stated the conditions that Joe Biden must fulfil in order to move into the White House. Could you explain these conditions to our readers?"

DT: "On the condition that you stop referring to me as President-reject."

UnNews: "Shall we just refer to you as President-disconnect."

DT: "Okay, but I may change my mind at any moment."

UnNews:"That's all right, we're used to it."

DT: "I have demanded that Joe Biden prove that every one of those 80 million votes that he is supposed to have gained is not in any way fraudulent. Perfectly reasonable as I am not going to allow the American people to have their democracy crushed by someone who claims to have gotten more votes than I did."

UnNews: "Haven't those votes already been certified by the relevant electoral bodies involved?"

DT: "Meaningless. How can you trust an electoral system that didn't elect me?"

UnNews: "How do you think this is going to allow you to stay in the White House?"

DT: "Simple mathematics, butthead. It takes quite some time to gather irrefutable proof that a ballot has not been tampered with, substituted, swapped, or processed by some machine that was designed to prevent my re-election. Let's say it takes two hours for each ballot. That's 6666667 days for 80 million, or 18,265 years give or take a year or two. The gives me until 20285 before I have to worry about packing up the family and moving back to Trump Tower. I don't think Sleepy Joe is going to last that long anyway."

UnNews: "In the spirit of fairness, are you going to have the votes for you checked?"

DT: "Completely unnecessary. No one who voted for me would do anything wrong. Plus I can pardon them."

UnNews: "And who is going to pay for all this?"

DT: "The American people, of course. Teach them a lesson. 80 million votes for Joe Biden. What a joke. We'll see how much he likes his 80 million votes when he's counting them."

UnNews: "This is a radical change to the American electoral system."

DT: "Sometimes radical changes are necessary. My supporters will as usual trumpet my genius. That's what matters. Besides, it gives me plenty of time to rewrite the Constitution."