UnNews:Tulsi quits 2020 race for President

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Monday, September 21, 2020, 14:01:59 (UTC)

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19 March 2020

I'd spend a quadrennium with that.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Rising star Tulsi Gabbard has quit the 2020 race for the Democratic nomination for President.

Tulsi is a member of the House of Representatives from Hawaii. Her biography on Uncyclopedia, which lists her extensive legislative accomplishments, can be found here. Efforts to conduct a trite man-on-the-street interview failed, as no one could be found who knew she had been running. However, her military service suggested she would know which end of a firearm to grip, in contrast to President Barack Obama, who famously gripped an AK-14[1] like a golf club during a photo-op. This, and her consistent opposition to new Middle East incursions, promised that Democrats might make inroads in new voter blocs, such as veterans who normally vote Republican but don't want to "make America great again."

She also brought gender balance, and a higher percentage of ethnicity than Elizabeth Warren, to the race — two things the Party claimed to crave in the brief interval before it went with cranky seventysomething crackers Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden.

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Biden and Sanders dead, Tulsi wins

The news calls into question a recent UnNews story that she had been given the nomination after both Biden and Sanders succumbed to the Coronavirus spreading a crisis of sniffles across America. That story suggested that Tulsi had suffered an arm injury from a tragic alligator bite as part of a last-ditch publicity stunt. In fact, although Tulsi's arm was in a sling, the culprit was nothing more than energetic arm-twisting from the Democratic National Committee — the same type of friendly wrassling that induced Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar to curiously resign and throw sudden, enthusiastic support to Biden, whom they had previously treated with open disdain, just before the most decisive day on the election calendar.

Tulsi's biggest success during the campaign was to snag two convention delegates from the territory of American Samoa, a constituency, along with German shepherds, to which the Democrats allocate delegates despite having no Electoral votes in November. Mike Bloomberg got the island's other delegates, as TV signals of his pathetic debates evidently do not reach that far.

However, since the partial triumph in Samoa, Tulsi had been polling even below candidates who were no longer running at all. In other words, Tulsi had lost the moron vote, a bloc arguably crucial to the Democratic nomination. Her campaign had reached a stage that Masters and Johnson referred to as "plateau," without the prospect of any orgasm, hence her withdrawal.

Tulsi had already vowed last October not to run again for Congresswoman. A future role in national politics probably depends on the late Joe Biden's vow to select as Vice President "some woman, provided she doesn't mind me sneaking up behind her and sniffing her hair." A future outside of politics surely revolves around an on-air stint at a national cable news network such as MSNBC, where she would get higher ratings than the usual Butch-cut lesbian.

  1. This is how Joe Biden refers to it, though he only owns a cap gun, and only so that Mrs. Dr. Biden can get off a few rounds to scare away burglars.