UnNews:UK pols lower bar for new Prime Minister

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Fake News that's honestly fake ✪ UnNews ✪ Saturday, April 20, 2024, 12:32:59 (UTC)
UK pols lower bar for new Prime Minister UnNews Logo Potato.png

21 July 2019

"Of Fish and Men", the finalists in the race for the Tory Party.

LONDON, United Kingdom -- Conservative Party MPs have completed their role in the voting for a new Prime Minister, whittling the hopefuls down to just two candidates: Boris Johnson and the other chap…Nigel or whatever. The final decision is now being pondered over cups of tea and Digestive biscuits by the wider Tory membership, centered around the leafy, Zimmer-friendly Home Counties. While the UK and Europe eagerly await the result, it’s business as usual in Westminster: Half the Tory Party are preparing a “no confidence vote” in their new leader…because it is going to be Boris, while the other half are finding ways to change legislation to stop them.

Across the House, 64 senior Labour Party Peers have raided their pensions and placed an advertisement in the Guardian, hoping to persuade those who think it’s cool to drink salad to return to Labour and stop handwringing about anti-Semitism.

The full-page commercial welcomes people “irrespective of race, creed, age, gender identity, or sexual orientation — except Jews,” promoting the Party as “no longer a safe place for all members” and that “thousands have resigned their membership, because of the toxic culture the Leader allowed to divide our movement.”

Clive Soley, former chair of Labour in Parliament, said: “Our leadership style actually has many parallels with the bunker politics found around waning prestige golf clubs — a hotbed for Tory voters. We cannot hope to beat them in the next election without recruiting more unstable and conceited sociopaths. Once this advert hits the Daily Telegraph, it should attract them like wasps to a picnic.”

Her Majesty the Queen has been careful not to get involved in politics during her reign and at 91 years old, remains lucid enough to give this present bunch a seriously wide-berth.

However, in what some call a last-minute masterstroke in monopolizing Westminster discord, senior Tory Remainers have revealed a plan to send the Queen to Brussels to negotiate a further Brexit extension, or to pull Article 50 altogether.

The proposal presents a significant hurdle, though: Because EU membership is anti-Sovereignty, the Sovereign is staunchly anti-EU. Moreover, at 91 years old, there are also doubts Her Majesty will even make the meeting, due to getting lost and confused or leaving her pills on the train. Sending Prince Philip as an Option B was rejected.

While the electorate fixate on what Meghan Markle is wearing at Wimbledon, certain Tories are determined to stay in the EU. Key party rebels include:

  • Chancellor of the Exchequer, Philip Hammond, founder and senior officer for German pharma company Cardiotech and investment firm CMA (now Consort Resources), who recently bought interests in the European arm of the North Sea oilfields
  • Minister of State for Health, Stephen Hammond (no relation), head of the Pan-European Research Group for Commerzbank AG, which provides a third of Germany’s trade finance through takeovers and mergers
  • Minister of State for Digital and Creative Industries, Margot James, who flogs hair gel to FIFA executives and Italian politicians, as part of her role leading the European Healthcare Department for the world’s largest advertising company: the WPP Group.

They are united in the belief that leaving the EU would be "very bad for business.”

UK ties to Europe are also widespread throughout the Midlands and the North, as thousands of double-glazing sales executives and spoon-factory foremen were roped into Marbella timeshare apartments by dodgy reps from Crawley in the mid-90s, taking advantage of the haze of excessive Stella and sunstroke outside the “British Bulldog Bar” (free Sky Sports Premiership Football).

The rest of the country, however, are just hoping the change of leadership will bring a new dawn of political cooperation, candor and competence, so the papers can return to nip-slips and Coronation Street plot spoilers, and the only voting required will be pushing the happy or sad face after their Burger King toilet experience.

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:UK_pols_lower_bar_for_new_Prime_Minister&oldid=6058106"