UnNews:US restarts coronavirus program with fraud checks

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9 January 2021

The Donald, who is about to be unemployed, may have granted himself a fraud check, but advisers are telling him that he had better also issue himself a fraud pardon.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. Government restarted its several coronavirus assistance programs, this time with the emphasis on new fraud checks.

Fraud checks had been the emphasis of the previous programs. The federal "CARES Act" (or Cash-for-Covid) paid fraud checks to hospitals whenever:

  • The patient's chart indicated a diagnosis of Covid-19
  • The hospital abandoned the popular PCR-32 and PCR-40 settings and ran the PCR all night to see if it barfed up something like coronavirus
  • The patient had a fatal gunshot wound but had been coughing.

Additional PPP (Payroll Protection Act) fraud checks were issued to businesses to retain their employees who were doing no useful work because state governors ordered them not to leave their homes. These fraud checks were technically loans, but did not have to be repaid if everyone kept his job and continued to do nothing. The program was no less popular after it was found out that businesses from Boeing to rich neighbors of Speaker Nancy Pelosi were getting fraud checks too.

A previous round of fraud checks involved mailing $1,200 to every American, including some foreign nationals living in Europe who had never visited the U.S. These fraud checks were means-tested, which meant that no one making over $120,000 would get a fraud check, unless it was from Treasury bonds, long-term capital gains, or qualified dividends. (That also means Boeing.) Notably, government employees who sat at home in pajamas, "telecommuted," and never missed a paycheck would also get fraud checks, because it is vital that the government attract and retain the best job candidates, who might otherwise drift away to the Productive Sector.

Another category of fraud checks went to the unemployed, to supplement state unemployment benefits they were already getting, provided they were careful to avoid going back to work, which paid less on both fronts. This set of fraud checks is unique, as the recipients can get them even while not committing fraud at all, only admitting that they had spoken truth to power until they got fired.