UnNews:UnNews first-ever Presidential endorsement

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard UnNews Thursday, November 26, 2020, 23:47:59 (UTC)

UnNews first-ever Presidential endorsement UnNews Logo Potato.png

22 October 2020

Columnist: Pdanforthsome.jpg Morris Greeley
Editor-in-Chief, UnNews
UnNews didn't even come out against this crook. But now we must.

WIKIA CITY, California -- UnNews has given its first-ever endorsement in the 2020 U.S. Presidential election.

To put a fine point on belaboring the point, UnNews has never before taken partisan sides. We hope to appeal to all factions, no matter how low their knuckles drag or high their noses point. We accept all currencies, whether perfumed or grease-stained.

However, the 2020 election is the most important election in our lives, or at least one of the most. In the top fifty, surely. If America decides wrong, it could start a slide from which the nation could never, ever recover. One of the candidates has a theme of returning the nation to a better time, but his party has threatened reforms by which the other party could never regain power. His party shows signs that it will not accept the mandate of the voters at all, but use unprecedented maneuvers to delay or even reverse the result. And his choice for Vice President is simply out of step with the American people.

All of that is pretty routine. So are the many claims of sexual improprieties against this candidate — at least, for those who spend their days in the UnNews Executive Suite. The candidate's extremely old age and, with it, the tendency to ramble and reminisce rather than ever get to the point, same notation, I guess, surely no JFK, type-of-thing.

But I have recently become aware that this candidate once used a racial slur. I need not specify the race that he disparaged. It is not my race, mind you — Heavens! — but the crudeness of the remark immediately made me sympathize with those poor, decrepit souls. I was one of them, in that brief moment. Consequently, I can never again see this candidate in the same light again. I must stand with my brothers and sisters — with someone's brothers and sisters, anyway — and reject this candidacy and everything that it stands for, even before investigating what that might be.

Consequently, I am proud to announce that UnNews will be supporting the other candidate for President. If your subscriptions are paid up, you can see the details of this historic UnNews endorsement by simply clicking here.

Sources[edit]

UnNews Logo Potato.png
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.