UnNews:Victoria Beckham claims she owns the letters "VB"

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UnFair and UnBalanced ✪ UnNews ✪ Saturday, April 20, 2024, 00:59:59 (UTC)
Victoria Beckham claims she owns the letters "VB" UnNews Logo Potato.png

20 April 2020

The Beckham legal team.

MELBOURNE, Victoria --

VB legal team.

Victoria Beckham, having abandoned her suit against the world's Thai restaurants over their use of the word "spicy", is undeterred by her loss in a Sydney court over a trademark dispute about the letters "VB". Claiming that customers around the globe would be misled by any product using these letters in that order, her crack legal team (pictured at right) argued her case in the Court of Petty Grievances in Melbourne.

Beckham Legal Team (BLT): "Your worship, we submit that our most honourable and famous client is suffering appearance-threatening agony over the unjust and intolerable pilferage of the letters "VB", her very own initials. It is perfectly obvious that the defendants should forthwith yield to the precedent set in 1878 in the case R v Victoria Water Closet Pumping."

Justice Grovell (JG): "Would the counsel for VB like to respond to this complaint?"

VB Legal Team (VBLT): "Right off the bat, what are these Pommy bastards yammering about yer Honour? What the bloody hell is a water closet anyhow?"

JG: "I suspect that they are referring to a shithouse mates, if we are to use the accepted termninology."

VBLT: "Well we haven't cut short our evening at the pub just to argue about shithouses. We're in this august court of justice to represent Victoria Bitter."

BLT: "You colonials have clearly not prepared your brief for your client. We are here to pursue the case of Victoria Beckham, not some nobody named Bitter."

VBLT: "Well, ya want our client to stop using the letters VB, right? That's Victoria Bitter as it's flamin' obvious that you've only drunk warm beer at a gay bar. Probably light beer as well."

BLT: "Your worship, there has been some misunderstanding. We have been instructed to demand that the firm VB skinlab cease and desist using the letters "VB" in their trademark."

VBLT: "Skinlab? What sort of operation is that, a massage parlour or something?"

BLT: "It is a Sydney company involved in the production, marketing and distribution of cosmetics."

VBLT: "Crikey, mates, you're in Melbourne. Sydney's 1000 kilometres up the track."

BLT: "You mean that there is more than one city in Australia? Gilbert, old chap, you did say to get tickets to the biggest city in Australia. Well, George, I have heard it strongly expressed that Melbourne is by far the more civilised. We're not in one of those countries where the government is situated in some backwater, are we?"

VBLT: "And on top of that, we're not a mob of male models swooning over our cosmetics. We represent the honourable and indispensible Carlton & United Breweries. To give you the dinkum oil, they don't make cosmetics."

BLT: "Very well, then. Your worship, is it at all possible to get the Tube to Sydney?"

JG: "I understand that if you get over to Spencer Street you can pick up the Sydney/Melbourne Express. I'd suggest that you take off the wigs and gowns before you embark, gentlemen, for you'll be thought a bit unusual attired as you are. Case dismissed!"

VBLT: "C'mon Trev, Col, let's get back to the bloody pub. What a mug's game, eh?"

JG: "Mind if I join you, mates?"


Sources[edit]

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