UnNews:Virtuosos hijack Banksy migrant boat

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31 August 2020

A sumptuous display of radical possibilities presented by the fusion of modern art and realism.

MEDITERRANEAN SEA -- Bohemian artists and curators from the Tate Gallery of Modern Art have hijacked the Banksy-funded boat MV Louise Michel, currently in distress on the Mediterranean Sea.

The hijackers have demanded the vessel and all personnel onboard be bubble-wrapped and transported to London, to be placed on a marble plinth within the Boiler Room of the prestigious Tate Gallery, alongside Takis’ Magnetic Fields sculpture.

Holding the captain hostage on the bridge with palette-knives since Sunday, Tracy Emin and Damien Hurst have threatened to create a brooding Caravaggio-esque Tableaux Vivant, using engine room personnel as models, unless their requirements are met in full.

The ex-French navy vessel, overloaded with 350 migrants — many in urgent need of medical attention — was described by the avant-garde hijackers as a powerful critique, inverting the usual function of cultural and social allusions. However, some of the hijackers have since complained of being brought to the brink of insanity by the migrants' plight, drawing an underlying reference to the trans-Atlantic slave trade, without taking a swipe at the British Empire. Others are just really seasick.

Brandishing a Gauloise Bleu in an antique jade and silver cigarette holder, 66-year-old sculptor Sir Anish Kapoor, the hijacker’s ringleader, insists he is comfortable with 'emotive assertions' within the modern-art movement, and considers Banksy's work a game-changer: “It’s uncanny! Naturalistic motions are coupled with a form that is blatantly functional. An unseen elemental force masquerades as nature at its most benignly pastoral. What Banksy has created is essence-of-boat-full-of-desparate-migrants-crewed-by-hippies-that-nobody-wants-to-take-responsibility-for; no longer a mere representation of action, Banksy makes a vivid substitute.”