UnNews:Vital evidence missing in "rough sex" case

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10 April 2021

The hypnotic eyes have been obscured.

PENRITH, Cumbria UK -- In a stunning reversal of the usual progression from flirty texts to dirty sex, Chrissy Hindmarch has confessed to getting the sex out of the way first before eventually getting sprung for exchanging the usual pictures of body parts and graphic descriptions of what they were thinking of doing with them. Chrissy is described as a "mum-of-three" although it us unclear whether her history of fecundity is in any way related to her interest in teenage boys.

On the other side of this hopefully pleasurable consummation, their downfall was triggered by the boy revealing his exploits to his mum. Nothing more is said about her reproductive history apart from the obvious. He apparently also told his father, who didn't believe him until he was shown confirmatory evidence, otherwise known as porn.

The barristers conducting the ensuing courtroom drama waffled on about the number of times they did what and how there had been "blurring of sexual boundaries", apparently without showing the porn evidence to the judge, who then had to waffle on about mitigation and remorse before committing Ms Hindmarch to the slammer. The judge's disappointment may have led to her to comment that at least Ms Hindmarch had not "plied the alcohol" instead of "plied him with alcohol" or perhaps "applied the alcohol". At present, only cigarettes have been dragged in as a contributory factor despite the notable dangers of smoking while in close contact.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a police official has confirmed that as Ms Hindmarch had advised the boy to delete the porn evidence, they were not able to retrieve all of the porn evidence from the various devices on which it had been recorded. Police are considering requesting an additional charge of frustrating justice as a deterrent to this sort of behavior among the surprisingly large number of mums who form "inappropriate relationships".

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