UnNews:Whistleblowers threatened by The Don

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Whistleblowers threatened by The Don

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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Thursday, February 27, 2020, 16:51:59 (UTC)

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7 October 2019

How an actual whistleblower might appear.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump has officially made it open season on whistleblowers. Anyone found holding or blowing a whistle will be arrested and immediately tried as a "ball-buster."

Bounty hunters have been hired to track down those suspected of blowing whistles after seeing confidential information. The President has a list of names he suspects of betraying him.

Don't whistleblow!

These sons-of-bitches have whistled their last! I am sure...wait...Did I hear someone whistling outside the door to the Oval Office?? Go get them, Steve Miller!...Where was I? Who was it, Steve??...Oh him. No..too stupid. I will have a new Vice President for 2020.

The Presidential Executive Order came quickly on the heels of an announcement that Rep. Adam Schiff had found a second "whistleblower," who had actual "first-hand knowledge" of whatever he was blowing his whistle about. The second whistleblower might be immune from the Intelligence Community Inspector General's complaint, that the first one was a registered Democrat. Presumably, the second one might be a Republican, meaning there will now be "bipartisan agreement" that Trump did something impeachable, which is damned near as good as two-thirds of the Senate. At any rate, the two whistleblowers have the same lawyer.

The rumor mill says the second whistleblower may be James Comey. Although forcibly separated from the U.S. Executive Branch for over two years, he was always called a "lifetime Republican," and thus free of adversarial nature or personal pre-judgment.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said that Trump's abrupt pullout of troops from Syria would leave ample military force to support Trump's new War on Whistles.