UnNews:White House devil dogs run amok

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3 April 2021

Joe Biden's Hounds from Hell, Delaware.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Joe Biden's two "hounds from hell", Champ and Major, are spreading fear in the White House, busy chasing and terrifying Biden's staff by biting people judged to be "less than on-message" and relieving themselves in an area of the West Wing carpet reserved for visiting members of Congress.

Champ and Major are said to look "a bit old and mangy", complementing the President himself. They now have new names, "Loser" and "Private". Officially, they are two German Shepherds, but dog breeders say they are actually rare Zoltan Transylvanian Hell Hounds and known canine associates of Dracula. These dogs have a reputation of attacking anyone who doesn't acknowledge Joe Biden's authority.

"Boys, just lay off our people. Go after Ted Cruz next time. No one loves him!"

"We're all pretty scared in here," said one unnamed aide hiding in a locked room. "These dogs have the run of the White House. It's they more than any senior presidential advisor who decides to get to see Joe. We keep telling him to get rid of these mutts and bring in something cuter that kids can play with without having their arms ripped off."

The president's main spokeswoman, White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki, says the reports are "overblown Republican propaganda". She says that, like anytime people move house, their pets are always the hardest to fit in. She added:

"Next one who calls me Evil Scooby-Poo gets it right in the neck!"

"President Biden has the situation with his dogs under control. We will exercise — and exorcise — Champ and Major so they will safe when at the White House. These are just teething issues for the new administration. Champ and Major's bark is worse than their bite, despite their extra long canines."