UnNews:World leaders of 2020 predict events of 2021

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31 December 2020

The official UnNews crystal ball.

Delphi, Greece (ancient) -- As 2020 (or 1737, 5781, 1399, 1442, 109 and many other numbers) begins its slide down the trash chute of history, it is traditional to think about what 2021 (and all the other numbers plus 1) will bring. This typically summons a bustling crowd of quacks who make their living by telling folks what is going to happen in the future for money. UnNews has decided that as most people are up to their arses in predictions from professionals, we should turn to people who have spent a lot of time doing amateur prognostication during the past year.

Donald Trump: As I have been re-elected in a landslide, 2021 will be a year of peace, prosperity and insider trading, at least for my friends and family. My enemies, detractors, Democrats and anyone else I don't like will be lucky to be thrown in jail if they don't get lynched by my patriotic supporters. And yes, I know the landslide went against me, but I was still re-elected.

Xi Jinping: As China completely mastered the coronavirus pandemic that was brought to China by the imperialist governments of the West, we will see a new year of peace, prosperity and conquest by the invincible forces of the benevolent People's Liberation Army as the creeping menace of democracy is crushed, country by country. Any who deviate from the eternal truth of Marxism version 1984.1 will be provided with suitable encouragement to accept it.

Hillary Clinton: I told you so! You wouldn't listen to me. I told you this would happen, right down to the snotty chick giving the press conferences. The single worst candidate in the history of the country. Come on, there must be an opening for undersecretary of something.

Vladimir Putin: As Russia has again proven itself the leader of the world in technology, politics and computer hacking, we will see a new year of peace, prosperity and the incorporation of countries that have strayed from Mother Russia back into the Russian Union as long as China doesn't get them first. Critics of the government will receive the same fair and just treatment that they have in the past.

Boris Johnson: As the United Kingdom has emerged victorious from the suffocating confines of the EU, we will see a new year of peace, prosperity and the reinstatement of the pound as the universal currency of the world. Goods will flow uninterrupted from the UK to everywhere and back again as soon as we can get rid of Northern Ireland.

Joe Biden: Well, yes, 2020 was kind of up and down and maybe 2021 will be kind of similar. I think you better ask Kamala.

Mohammed bin Salman: As Saudi Arabia has shown itself to be the true guardian of Islam, we will see a new year of peace, prosperity and rising oil prices. My enlightened decision to allow women to drive will result in a doubling of the number of drivers, right? More drivers, more cars, more gas. Well, as soon as I let them out of jail.

Ayatollah Khameni: As Iran has shown itself to be the true guardian of Islam, we will see a new year of peace, properity and fanaticism. The collapse of the all other political systems that do not accept our guiding principles is imminent. Certain other countries that follow a satanic heresy beginning with a Z will perish as soon as we get the centrifuges working again.

Narendra Modi: As India has long been the world leader in completely off-the-planet cults, pole sitting and having too many arms, we will enter a new year of peace, poverty and national health as soon as we can get ayurvedic medicine to work. Of course we will also send spacecraft to lots of places, reinstate the caste system and maybe have a war with one of our neighbors. Be happy and healthy.

Kim Jong-Un: As North Korea is the only country that can maintain peace, prosperity and an army that would send any other country into bankruptcy, I demand that the rest of the world show some respect and send lots of tributes and gifts and aid and maybe some coronavirus vaccine just in case anyone here gets it. And remember for 2021 we're building some really big rockets and bombs.

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.