UnScripts:Deepak Chopra and James Cameron Teach Home Appliance Repair
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“We shall connect the red wire to the blue wire, we shall place this uninsulated chisel near--OW!! Motherfucker!”
- ~ Winston Churchill on Home Appliance Repair
In 2003, following the release of Volcanoes of the Sea, James Cameron asked Deepak Chopra to do a series of home repair/buddy films with him on television.
Although the series has never enjoyed the success that many feel they should have received, it is highly regarded by a small but vocal group of supporters to this day.
Scene One[edit]
FADE IN:
INT. WORKSHOP - DAY
And the last thing I see Is my heart, still beating-- Breakin' outa my body and flyin' away OO-OOOOOOH! Like a bat outa Hell! Like A Bat Out of Hell!!''
Cameron: Hey, thanks, Meatloaf! That'll do great for the ending of our episode on coffeemakers and cappuccino machines. I'll call you back.
--Oh hi everyone, I'm director James Cameron.
Deepak: And I am Deepak Chopra.
Cameron: Both of us are extremely disappointed not to have articles about ourselves on Uncyclopedia.
Deepak: You see? They have an article about themselves. This is what I call a "Self-Referencing Universe". The intellect within it is trapped, only able to consider and worship itself. It has no consideration for outside thought or objects.
Cameron: Hah! I call that the Bush Admini--
Deepak: Don't stoop to their level. You only bring upon yourself the destruction they seek.
ANGLE ON - Cameron
Cameron: Well, anyway, here we are with another episode of D & C's Home Appliance Repair show.
Deepak: I wanted to call it The Seven Spiritual Laws of Home Appliance Repair.
Cameron: And I wanted to have the Terminator as a special guest. How'd that be for a home appliance? But you don't always get what you want.
Deepak: Truly. What is today's topic, please?
PAN BACK - CAMERON WITH HAND ON DISHWASHER
Cameron: Today we've got a real treat: kitchen appliances. We're gonna stick to the big ones today folks, 'cause of time, and have a look at the smaller things like rotisserie ovens and coffeegrinders later.
WIDE ANGLE - Cameron, Deepak, DISHWASHER, OVEN AND REFRIGERATOR
(Sounds of a number of horses and riders coming from the left)
Deepak: What is that?
Cameron: Get out of the way!!
(Both rush away from the appliances. A phalanx of horsemen ride though, lancing, slashing and beating on the appliances as they pass.)
Deepak: Woah.
Cameron: (shaking his head) I wanted a whole screaming horde of spacemarines, like in Aliens.
Deepak: You know, you are fucking nuts, man.
CLOSE UP ON - CAMERON'S FACE
Cameron: (enraged, goatee twitching) I'll have this show the way I want it!!
Deepak: (wide-eyed) Detachment. Giving. Remember the Laws...
Cameron: (snaps out of it) Right. You're right. I'm sorry, Deepak. (turns)
ANGLE ON - DISHWASHER
Deepak: This dishwasher has suffered.
Cameron: You're damned right. But we can rebuild him! Let's have a look at this puppy, shall we?
CLOSE UP ON - DISHWASHER
Cameron: It's pretty clear that a dishwasher is a black box to most people. But it's really not that complicated. Your typical dishwasher is composed of a pump, heating element, a small radioactive core of plutonium, and that swingy thing there.
Deepak: Spray arm. I like how you worked "composed" in there. Big word.
Cameron: Yeah well we can't all be scholars like you, brainiac. By the way, when was the last time you actually fixed something? I mean, rolled up your sleeves and didn't spout new age pabulum for a change, but rather put a bolt in?
Deepak: Oh, it is time for our first commercial break. How about that?
Scene Two[edit]
IRIS IN -
EXT. PATIO - DAY
Deepak: Here we are, Deepak Chopra and James Cameron, with--
Cameron: Goddamnit, they still haven't fixed that?!
Deepak: Apparently, No. Here we are, with a badly beaten dishwasher in need of repair. We have moved outside because this repair involves water, and we may wish to indulge in a mild Supersoaker fight.
Cameron: Yeah. Say a Mongolian horde, a local neighbourhood gang, some philisti--
Deepak: --your children--
Cameron: --whatever, say these guys have busted up your dishwasher real good. And you're thinking about revenge. You're so angry you're thinking about creating a network of computers that becomes self-aware and takes over the earth; or building a gigantic ship that takes as many people as you can imagine out into the middle of the north Atlantic to get killed by drowning. Let me caution against that. Our lawyers say I must. Instead, consider fixing the machine.
Deepak: Now we know you will need some guidance in order to repair the dishwasher. We have experienced your pain, and therefore understand your position. The starting point of any successful home appliance repair is to get a screwdriver.
Cameron: And a blanket.
Deepak: A blanket?!
Cameron: Yep. Blankets are great for comfortable work surfaces, insulation, and in a pinch can be used Linus-style for security.
Deepak: Hah. He is famous, and they do not have an article on him, either.
So, James, what specifically is wrong with this dishwasher?
SLOW MOTION PAN IN ON - DISHWASHER INTERIOR: THROUGH HOLE IN EXTERIOR SIDING, THROUGH RACK, PAST SPRAY ARM TO BROKEN HEATING ELEMENT
Ed.: No producer would ever authorize this shot. Too long, too many opportunities to screw it up and have to go back to square one. Extreme potential for over-budget.
Prod.: Too bad it's me, eh? C.
Cameron: As you can see, Dee, it has a hole in the side. I suspect that was caused by one of the cavalry's lances. Also, the heating element has been broken. You can see the ceramic has been cracked, here, and the metal conductor is busted in half.
ANGLE ON - DEEPAK.
Deepak: So the first thing to do is plug the leak. (wheels out welding machine)
Cameron: Sure, sure, you could start with that. I guess if the water doesn't stay in the machine it's pretty darn useless right off the bat. Here's the flint.
Deepak: (lights welding torch with a chink and a woosh) The important thing is to not try this around very small children. They love the smell and taste of the oxy-acetylene flame. And wear a welding helmet.
Cameron: Yeah. Safety glasses just won't cut it this time. There are better ways to go blind. Deepak, let me get that sheet metal into place. (lifts a plate of sheet metal into position over hole) Okay, go ahead.
Deepak: (welding) We are going to fix this thing up like it's ready for The Road Warrior. Now about the welding: you have to weld on both the inside and outside. Otherwise it will not be waterproof.
Cameron: This is totally flashing me back to Dark Angel. --Goddamnit, I knew it!!
PAN OUT TO - DEEPAK & CAMERON AND DISHWASHER
Cameron: Right, so the hole is patched. Thanks, Dee.
Deepak: Don't mention it.
Cameron: Say, are you licensed?
Deepak: No. But I like to pretend I am.
Cameron: That's comforting. Now let's look at the heating element. This thing is busted up! We're talking a good $300 if you couldn't fix it yourself.
Deepak: You might have to resort to an industrial supplier, like Babcock and Wilcox.
Cameron: Hah, you said cock.
Deepak: So now I am thinking: As is my will, so is my deed.
Cameron: Jesus, are you about to die or something?
Deepak: It is a pseudo-scientific principle. I am going to fix this piece of shit.
Cameron: I understand. I feel that way a hundred times a day. What we need is some methanol, some mercury, some Crazyglue and some fried chicken.
Deepak: They don't have an article on Crazyglue?!
Cameron: (ponders) Yes, you'd think there'd be comic potential in that. Oh well. There's no accounting for taste.
Deepak: What's the fried chicken for?
Cameron: In case we get hungry, stupid.
ANGLE IN ON - HEATING ELEMENT
Cameron: Convential wisdom tells us to rub the methanol on the damaged element, pour the mercury over it, and then quickly apply the Crazyglue to congeal the whole mass and re-create a custom-formed conductor; just the right size for your dishwasher. Then you can get the gun and caulk the thing to insulate and waterproof it.
Deepak: That doesn't make any sense. And now you said cock.
Cameron: Just trust me. And I said caulk.
Deepak: Oh, time for our second commercial break. (reaches for Supersoaker)
Scene Three[edit]
SLIDE IN-
EXT. PATIO. DAY.
WIDE ANGLE - DEEPAK, CAMERON and DISHWASHER
Cameron: (dripping) Hi and welcome back, everyone. We've fixed the heating element of this dishwasher using a time-honored tantric method of Indian extraction. (shivers)
Deepak: (enjoying himself) Yes. Truly, it is a powerful method. Much more powerful than your Western digital hocus-pocus thought.
Cameron: (walking funny) It can be done. But at what a price. So--let's fire this baby up and see how she runs! (hooks dishwasher up to garden hose, presses buttons to start cycle)
Deepak: Do you not think a rinse cycle would be more appropriate?
Cameron: There's nothing in there, fool!
Deepak: (sighs, shakes head) James, you are such an unenlightened being...
(Dishwasher is functioning normally; water gurgles out the exit hose)
Cameron: All right!! Boom BOOM! Shaka-laka boom BOOM!
WIDE ANGLE ON - DEEPAK, CAMERON and DISHWASHER
Cameron: Anyway, that's all we have time for today. Ovens and refrigerators follow the same principles, so you should be okay. Except watch out for the freon in the fridge. That's nasty stuff!
Deepak: You can replace it with icewater though, no problem. Thank you for tuning in today, our loyal viewers. And I would like to mention that James is offering a special edition of this episode.
Cameron: Well, some people are going to like the director's cut, and some are not. I mean, you're roaring into the third act, and I want to put back in twenty minutes of when Deepak has a baby. You might think it slows the show down. Well, I say: watch it, give it a chance, then come to your own conclusion.