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Rioters run wild

April 1: April Fools Day

  • 1926 - April Emily Fools is born to Herb and Emma Fools in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Human agents of Cthulhu take notice and report to headquarters.
  • 1930 - April begins her life outside the limelight when her sister Judith is born. Inhuman agents of Cthulhu are sent to Milwaukee.
  • 1938 - At the age of twelve, Fools first shows an interest in baking when she helps her grandmother, the well-known Rose Fools, bake cookies. The Million Favored Ones steal cookies but all are eaten before being brought before Cthulhu.
  • 1942 - April suffers her first true heartbreak when her sister Judith makes the cheerleading squad over her, gets the lead in the school play, and steals her boyfriend Johnny on the same day. This is all part of the plan of dark forces to drive April insane. Instead she gets angry, taking it out on a tree on the way home from school that is actually the Dunwich Horror in disguise.
  • 1944 - Fools lands her first job, working at a tank tread manufacturing plant in downtown Milwaukee. A group of Azagoths attempt to kidnap April, but are squashed in their hiding place by a tank tread.
  • 1947 - After a lengthy engagement, April marries Albert Cranston in Madison, Wisconsin.
  • 1952 - Upon the suggestion of a friend, April begins a small baked goods business from her own kitchen. Cthonians are tasked with stealing more cookies but pig out and end up exploding two blocks from the house.
  • 1955 - April and Albert welcome their first child into the world: Richard Cranston, named after his paternal grandfather. Cthulhu's minions attempt to kidnap the child during a thunderstorm, but a suspiciously well-placed lightning bolt stops the scheme cold.
  • 1957 - The Cranston family welcomes their second child, Judy. An attempt to kidnap her is foiled when Voormi are crippled by Legos left on the floor by Richard.
  • 1964 - Albert's job as a box factory floor supervisor requires the Cranstons to relocate to Fargo, North Dakota. This is all part of the plan to lure April to the Arctic stronghold of the Elder Gods.
  • 1970 - April enjoys what she would later describe as 'the rush of a lifetime' when appearing on a local television program instructing children how to bake brownies. The agents of Cthulhu completely miss this as they are watching cartoons on a different channel.
  • 1978 - Albert and April become grandparents to Henry Cranston. Lincoln Logs, slip and fall, blah, blah, blah.
  • 1994 - April Emily Fools-Cranston passes away in her hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Her birthday is declared a national holiday. Cthulhu returns to his underwater lair but not before firing all his inhuman resources staff.

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April 2: National Refrigerator Day (Paraguay)

  • c.9000 BCE - During severe late freezes, cavemen would kill a mammoth but leave it intact to freeze solid. Then by pushing it over, it would shatter, making easy-to-carry pieces to take home. This would eventually turn into the practice of cow tipping after cattle are domesticated.
  • 1111 - The Knights Templar come into being as a clandestine drinking society.
  • 1391 - Bob Hope fights a grizzly bear and is elected King of Prussia upon his victory.
  • 1646 - The Little Ice Age makes refrigeration unnecessary, as people are too cold to get up and make dinner in the first place.
  • 1942 - The classic arcade title 1942 is designed; the rights to the year are purchased by Capcom.
  • 1983 - Science is invented by accident. It is quickly swept into a bedpan.
  • 1984 - Miniluv put crimethink proles into fridge, remake them goodthink fullwise. Maytag Man is sent to Room 101.
  • 2002 - The U.S. Kitten Embargo begins as part of The War Against Terror. (pictured)
  • 2005 - St. Peter's Basilica accidentally eats the Pope but is killed by atheist Harry Potter.
  • 2005 - The first Expired Goods Festival is held. Its popularity is proven by all the attendees that expire afterward.
  • 2007 - The third Expired Goods Festival is held and abandoned, due to mutant foodstuffs eating exhibitors.
  • 2008 - The X-Men come to fight with mutant foodstuffs but later have found that they're the same kind as them. So they have a good brotherly group hug and leave.
  • 2009 - Thousands are found dead with a bag of frozen peas or mixed vegetables stuck to their faces after Indiana Jones supposedly proves you can survive a nuclear blast by hiding in a refrigerator.
  • 2010 - Wayne Rooney discovers second brain cell then asplodes after information overload.

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Chalk Angel - see Angels

April 3: Vivaldi Appreciation Sunday

  • 10,000,000 BCE - The Grim Reaper is born. He will initially be informed of deaths by his Grim Beeper. Later, he would have a Facebook app telling him when someone dies.
  • 468 BCE - Hashish is patented by the Incas.
  • 1220 - The Dark Ages are briefly illuminated by a massive explosion in Syria.
  • 1666 - Sir Marquis Baron Vivaldi walks to the crossroads lugging a harpsichord and sells his soul to Satan.
  • 1777 - Vivaldi writes his first Satanic backward message, later stolen by the Led-Zep dudes.
  • 1888 - Vivaldi returns from Hell and composes a new record, A Change of Four Season, later stolen by regressive metal band Dream Theater who exclude the word "Four".
  • 1945 - Someone proclaims that if you play John Cage's 4'33" backwards, you'll hear Vivaldi's second Satanic message.
  • 1948 - The Marshall Mathers plan to flood Europe with rap music commences.
  • 1974 - Tornadoes sweep the U.S.A, inspiring the invention of the tumble drier.
  • 1982 - A Heavy Metal dude releases Vivaldi's tribute album Ultimate Classical Bong.
  • 1986 - The D.J. murder rate is at an all-time high, blamed on the provocative lyrics of a single by hardcore rap collective The Smiths. (pictured)
  • 1996 - The Unabomber is arrested for crimes against tasteful nomenclature.
  • 1995 - Due to a Linux error, April 3, 1997 actually starts in 1995.
  • 2007 - Bloody Vivaldi and the Martini Gore, the Baroque Death Metal Vivaldi tribute band, is formed.

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April 4: National No Spamming Day (Iraq)

  • 1581 - Francis Drake circumcises the world with an enormous 300 ft clipper.
  • 1810 - Canned food is developed in France. Cans are built individually by hand and take hours to make each one, especially in the case of canning a whole cow or pig that is always trying to escape.
  • 1949 - Iceland's blundered declaration of war on the USA leads to the accidental formation of NATO.
  • 1951 - The world's favourite missile, the Tomahawk, goes on sale in Wal-Mart.
  • 1969 - The band Nazareth, led by bassist/singer Jesus, releases their most critically acclaimed album, You Shall Not Spam.
  • 1469 - All calendars in the U.S. are set back 500 years.
  • 1589 - The first Burning Man Festival is held. There were no naked renaissance hippie survivors.
  • 1884 - The first episode of The Simpsons premieres in stereoscopic format. Matt Groening makes ten cents in royalties and becomes one of the wealthiest bastards on the entire planet.
  • 1940 - Brits, after quickly getting sick of newly-arrived cans of Spam, use mortars loaded with it to shoot down German bombers during the Battle of Britain. The Luftwaffe then counters by attaching Jews to bombers so that their aircraft would evade the un-kosher projectiles.
  • 1975 - You really should have bought shares in Microsoft, which was formed on this day.
  • 1984 - President Ronald Reagan calls for an international ban on something or other, oh hell, I can't remember.
  • 1986 - Some guy named Oliver North sells Girl Scout cookies to Iran and gives the profits to CNN.
  • 2001 - The butterfly effect is proven in an ingenious experiment, causing devastating hurricane damage in China.
  • 2002 - Actor Mickey Rooney begins his process of decomposition.

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Kids fighting.jpg

April 5: National Bullying Day (Scotland), International Batman is Gay Day

  • c.3 million BCE - Cave man push down 'nother cave man. Second cave man get big brother, who push down first cave man. First cave man get his big brother, who push down second cave man brother. Second cave man brother about to push first cave man brother back but is stopped by vice principal and get suspended from cave man school. Second cave man then write about this on cave wall, make first Chinese martial arts movie script.
  • 1614 - Pocahontas sells her life story to Disney for a handful of plastic beads.
  • 1640 - King Charles I of England disbands the Short Parliament because "Who cares what happens to short people?"
  • 1776 - Betty White is born. Her sons Barry and Jaleel would go on to stardom.
  • 1945 - USSR deploys troops in Yugoslavia to act as security at TATU gig.
  • 1951 - Bob Hope gets laid. Again.
  • 1955 - Winston Churchill gives up politics and goes into insurance.
  • 1957 - Batman is born. His mother is severely chafed by his utility belt during delivery.
  • 1979 - Robin contracts Bat-AIDs. His story is told in song: "I am stuck on Bat-AIDS, cuz Bat-AIDS's stuck on me."
  • 1980 - Bat-Condoms are patented by Bruce Wayne.
  • 1992 - Several hundred thousand abortion rights demonstrators march on top of babies in Washington D.C..
  • 2000 - Global warming is first linked to the phenomenon of climate change.
  • 2007 - Everyone remembers how totally gay Batman was.

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April 6: Arson Wednesday (Nihilist Church of New Zealand)

  • 350 BCE - Defying the gods, Prometheus brings fire to the human race. Humans use it for decorative tiki torches placed outside their caves. Prometheus then shows how fire can be used to keep warm, cook food, light caves and clear land for crops. At the end of the demonstration, Prometheus asks for questions and a human asks, "Do you think brown or black is a better color for tiki torches?" Prometheus then walks up to the mountains, chains himself to a rock and has eagles rip out his liver.
  • 648 BCE - The earliest solar eclipse recorded by Ancient Greeks is quickly followed by a large earthquake, suicides, and disease.
  • 1 CE - Baby Jesus flips off a goat, and the judges give him a 9.65.
  • 612 - Arab popstar Mohammed declares he is "more popular than Jesus now".
  • 1522 - Mary had a little lamb. Yankee Doodle claims to be the father.
  • 1593 - John Greenwood, English Congressionalist, is hanged. His last words: "Get this fucking rope off of me!"
  • 1895 - Oscar Wilde is arrested in London for "acts of gross indecency". You can't make this stuff up.
  • 1896 - First modern Olympic doping scandal is discovered at Athens games. Two runners are disqualified for eating Wheaties.
  • 1999 - Chinese democracy is released and subsequently pulled off shelves after the US Government denies reports of its existence.
  • 1955 - Hell freezes over; the Devil skates to work.
  • 1957 - Three children die in a nuclear attack after being kicked out of a crowded refrigerator by a prominent professor of archaeology.
  • 1985 - Video gaming is first cited as a precursor to juvenile delinquency. "Stick 'em up and keep your hands in plain sight while I do a save," is commonly heard on the streets.
  • 1989 - Billy Joel is arrested for arson but states "We didn't start the fire," and proceeds to spill his guts, naming a long list of conspirators. (pictured)
  • 1992 - Isaac Asimov's batteries finally wear down. Perhaps the world's most famous robot, Asimov served more than 20 years on the U.S.S. Enterprise under Captain Picard.
  • 1994 - Kurt Cobain's attempt to win a posthumous Grammy backfires tragically. However, some would say he had a shot at it.
  • 1999 - Billy Joel begins to amass his mole army beginning his inevitable rise to world domination.

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Nov smoz kapop?

April 7: Hallucinate While Juggling Porcupines Day

  • 65 million BCE - Raptor Jesus becomes extinct for your sins.
  • 9 CE - General Publius Quinctilius Varus is showing off for his troops by juggling five porcupines at once when his distracted legions are attacked by Germanic tribesman in the Teutoborg Forest. Varus attempts to hide in a tiny cave but the now-angry porcupines turn on him and kill him. Upon hearing of the disaster, Emperor Augustus would exclaim, "Varus, give me back my legions and bring back real vaudeville!"
  • 1067 - The first ever Battle of Hastings re-enactment is fought.
  • 1544 - Queen Elizabeth I starts her famous celebrity gossip column in The Times.
  • 1741 - The War of Jenkins' Ear spreads down to his legs.
  • 1906 - Mt. Vesuvius erupts due to a bout of tectonic indigestion.
  • 1954 - Jackie Chan is born and kung-fu kicks your mom in the delivery room.
  • 1969 - The Beatles publish their greatest work, the Communist Manifesto.
  • 1988 - Sheryl Crow breaks $15,000 worth of crockery with one wave of her baseball bat.
  • 2004 - Mike Tyson gets beaten with a three-round TKO by Jaleel White. Vegas bookies go bankrupt after millions are bet on Erkel.
  • 2007 - Every woman across Mozambique burns down her house in an act of defiance against the evil rule of Captain Birdseye.
  • 2009 - Madonna adopts her 20th child from Africa after finally eating the previous one.

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Bat bat bat.jpg

April 8: International Things That Rhyme With 'Bat' Day

  • 563 BCE - Buddha is born. Under a tree he sat.
  • 432 BCE - Artemus of Capadocia introduces kitten huffing to the world when he huffs a small cat.
  • 73 CE - Pliny the Elder records the first instance of fortune telling through analysis of scat.
  • 881 - Holy Roman Emperor Charles III is given the nickname Charles the Fat as all the good nicknames were already taken. And that is that.
  • 1611 - A new sport is introduced when Swedish people use a cannon to launch a rat.
  • 1656 - Rembrandt buys a can of glossy brown paint only to find it is matte.
  • 1885 - Industrialist Andrew Carnegie thinks his secretary tells him that he is a milliner. So he makes a hat.
  • 1935 - FDR signs Emergency Relief Appropriation Act, then dances a jig and falls flat.
  • 1998 - Another explosion occurs in the usually serene inlet of Michael Bay, sounding like this: 'splat'.
  • 2006 - Conservapedia is founded and its editors immediately make such valid claims as 'the Earth is flat'.
  • 2011 - Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal proves himself to be a prat.

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Aunt Jemima RPG.jpg

April 9: Stereotype Dismissal Day (France), Croissant & Beret Day (France)

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Juan Valdez

April 10: Smoke-'Em-if-Ya-Got-'Em Day

  • 250 million BCE - While it is unclear whether the Siberian Traps were responsible for the Permian-Triassic extinction event, it is known that its volcanoes smoked up to 5 packs of unfiltered cigarettes a day while playing cards.
  • 1490 - Juan Ponce de Leon discovers the Fountain of Youth in Florida, shrugs and sets up a retirement community around it.
  • 1919 - Colombian guerrilla lord Juan Valdez invents coffee.
  • 1926 - Polio victim FDR still can't feel his legs; So he feels up Lucy Mercer instead. This would cause friction at the Yalta Conference when he feels Stalin's hand on her leg.
  • 1952 - Kellogg's Cereals introduces Atomic-O's claiming that there are "vitamins, minerals and Uranium257 in each glowing bite."
  • 1959 - Basic Instinct starring Sharon Stone's nether regions is released.
  • 1962 - Billy finds papa's smokes. He's got 'em, he smokes 'em.
  • 1964 - Professor Andmaryann discovers coconuts.
  • 1970 - Paul McCartney announces Beatles breakup, and everybody tokes.
  • 1989 - PPPPPPPP Emma Pie is birthed, not in a galaxy far far away, but near your local convenience store dairy section.
  • 1996 - Tired of being ridiculed by fans, Michael Jackson finally admits, yes, it does matter whether you're black or white, and to get a pay raise, he turns white.
  • 2005 - Dennis Rodman's hair develops sentience, takes over South America.
  • 2006 - MIT scientist discover that "crack iz wack".
  • 2007 - Hundreds injured while trying to grab bargains at the After Easter Markdown Days Sale at KKK-Mart in Gritlyville, Missouri. "Oh, the humanity!"
  • 2012 - Al Gore drops out of presidential race after revealing photos of him and Michel Moore trading carbon offsets is published in the German magazine Siegessaeule.

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Standing cycle rider.jpg

April 11: National Backwards Helmet Day

  • 48 - Holy Belly Button Lint is discovered in a ditch near Golgotha.
  • 641 - Sliced bread is invented. It takes four days to properly slice a loaf.
  • 642 - Toast is invented during a bakery fire. People like toast so much they set fire to more bakeries.
  • 643 - The first slice of buttered toast is dropped on floor. This may also have been the invention of the Five Second Rule.
  • 644 - The inventor of toast and sliced bread is burned at the stake for heresy and witchcraft as it is found that toast always falls buttered side down, contrary to the laws of God.
  • 1492 - The first slice of jelly bread is thrown into someone's face. The Three Stooges are formed as a result.
  • 1493 - First execution for accidentally throwing a slice of jelly bread into the face of the king.
  • 1667 - The blind, impoverished John Milton sells the copyright of Paradise Lost for £10 and buys a milkshake.
  • 1667 - On his way home John Milton is robbed; while lying devastated on the ground he hears the robber shouting victoriously "I drink your milkshake!" while running away.
  • 1775 - Germany runs out of people to accuse of witchcraft and execute, and begins brainstorming on who to meaninglessly kill next. The country is torn over whether to attack Poland or France, so they compromise and just invade both.
  • 1904 - Albert Einstein discovers that he's related to his sister.
  • 1905 - Einstein publishes a book about his relative relationship with his sister and subsequently wins the Nobel prize.
  • 1969 - Satan invents disco.
  • 1984 - Mr. Rogers flips out and assassinates Thomas the Tank Engine.
  • 1999 - Rain of Tears memorial: there are mass suicides after the first showing of Gigli.
  • 2009 - Somebody who actually cares for this holiday puts his helmet on backwards. His bike is immediately stolen because he can't see.

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Sleepy cat.jpg

April 12: Narcolepsy D....zzzzzz........

  • 124 BCE - Forgetting to file his taxes on time, Prometheus uninvents fire in an attempt to delay the deadline. The Sun foils his plans.
  • 26 AB - Jesus takes a well-deserved nap.
  • 1022 - The Library of the Invisible Pink Unicorn is established in Sicily.
  • 1861 - The Civil War begins when Confederate forces bombard Fort Sumter with slaves and cotton bales.
  • 1943 - Jeremiah Einstein is beaten with a really dirty stick while no one cares.
  • 1945 - Orville Redenbacher begins work on secret The Manhattan Project.
  • 1946 - Orville's rival begins work on The super-secret Downtown Cleveland Project. It is so secret that funding never reaches it.
  • 1955 - February's groundhog leaves a hole in total darkness. Spring decides not to come at all this year, and the year skips straight to Summer.
  • 1962 - The God Emperor of All Knobheads is born.
  • 1967 - Che Guevara takes a nap and wakes up in a CIA prison in Bolivia.
  • 1969 - Sharon Stone comes out of retirement to become, at 78, the oldest woman to circumnavigate Arnold Schwartzenegger.
  • 1979 - Mel Gibson goes mad and eliminates a rogue biker gang, which turns out to be three kids on tricycles.
  • 1985 - Battleship reaches a new record of kids killed who eat the little plastic pieces with their ice-cream, mistaking them for sprinkles.
  • 2049 - The Rainbow Brite task force counterattacks, defeating Lord Zarquon in an epic battle involving at least three spork battles.

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The Big G

April 13: Gangster Rap Appreciation Day (United Spades of Amerika), Shower With Your Best Friend Day (Singapore), Smell Your Feet Day (Hong Kong)

  • 16 CE - Jesus Christ and the Buddha form the seminal gangster rap duo Shakyamuni and the JC.
  • 1507 - First yo momma joke is told: "Ye of whom ye were borne is so Fatte, She wase burnede as threescore witches rathere thanne One."
  • 1901 - Don Corleone and his family form their hip-hop crew. They will have top-charted hits like Keep da Enemies Fu'kin' Closer and An Offa' Ya Motherfu'ka' Can't Refu', believed to be the major influence for the words "gangster rap".
  • 1962 - First rap-related homicide is reported in Springfield, Nebraska.
  • 1976 - Richard Nixon is made available to catalogue shoppers for the first time.
  • 1979 - Da Pinky Foil drops its first gangster rap conceptual album Da Hood with the cooperation of the Fuhrer. They will have a lot of hits such as Another Chic' in da Ho, Hey You, Nizzle!, Yo! Momma, In da Fest', etc.
  • 1984 - Ingsoc releases minitrue-approved rap artist Doubleplus Hardcore Niggaz. The first song on the disc, BB Inflicts Doubleplusgood Wounds on Proles goes doublegood award, but da crew is disbanded after recording Fuck tha Thoughtpolice.
  • 1985 - The space shuttle Challenger is dubbed "unexplodable" by NASA at a news conference.
  • 1994 - Tupac Shakur goes platinum with his new album, N-word, Fuck, Fuck, Bitch, N-word, Mothafucka, Ho, Bitch, N-word, Fuck. Shakur thanks God.
  • 1995 - Tupac Shakur fakes his own death.
  • 1999 - Eminem becomes the unopposed best rapper alive. Tupac Shakur actually kills himself.
  • 2010 - The EU demands cash from Iceland. Iceland sends ash. Europe is buggered for weeks.

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Miracle whip.JPG

April 14: Miraculous Discovery Day

  • 13 CE - Repairs begin after the worst Friday the 13th ever.
  • 1215 - The Magna Carta is signed, giving the Red Baron the right to bake pizza on his warplane.
  • 1492 - Just 5 days out to sea, Columbus discovers more water.
  • 1654 - On this Sunday, by a freak coincidence, no-one turned up to church at all, anywhere. Excuses cited include "washing cart" and "wife pregnant".
  • 1897 - A commuter is canonized for the miracle of having exact change and the miracle of not missing her stop and asking the conductor to back up the train.
  • 1947 - The Miracle on 34th Street occurs when a non-New Yorker holds a door open for someone else. Little did he know that with constant traffic, he would be standing in the same spot for 65 hours.
  • 1949 - All of China is astounded when superhero Chairman brings folding chairs to all Politburo meetings.
  • 1967 - Yoko Ono forms her renegade militant group The Plastic Renegades with the objective of destroying all good music in the universe.
  • 1973 - Cowboy singer Slim Whitman finally sells a record to someone not a member of his family.
  • 1987 - Miracle Whip is deemed "less than miraculous" by the FDA. (pictured)
  • 2002 - Hundreds of Korean children die when they are bussed to the wrong venue instead of being taken to the Youth in Asia Conference in Seoul.
  • 2008 - Somebody was wrong *gasp!* on the internet.

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Say the secret woid and win the hearts of the masses

April 15: Auditoria Begins (IRS)

  • 1 BCE - The IRS meets; thousands mourn.
  • 997 - King Æthelred the Unready finds himself in line at the post office near midnight to send in his request for an extension and suddenly realizes he's not an American.
  • 1612 - Cotton Mather, in the midst of a bad day, has a revelation that leads to the foundation of a new faith.
  • 1726 - The potato chip invented; thousands gorge.
  • 1912 - The Titanic is torpedoed by The Empire off the coast of Newfoundland. Icebergs are blamed.
  • 1912 - Dozens of innocent Polar bears are severely injured as their iceberg is struck by an overrated piece of metal.
  • 1920 - The head of the IRS is arrested for tax evasion. Ironic, no?
  • 1933 - Karl Marx and his brothers Lenny, Joey, and Leon star in the zany slapstick hit Opiate of the Molasses. (pictured)
  • 1944 - The first weapon of mass destruction is invented in Switzerland, but nobody notices as it is made of cheese.
  • 1947 - Jackie Robinson breaks the color barrier, then reimburses Major League Baseball for it.
  • 2001 - Joey Ramone dies, taking straight-ahead rock 'n' roll with him. Black leather jacket sales plummet.
  • 2014 - The US Air Force begins bombing US cities as they have already bombed every other place on the planet.

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... and we can win a trip to Siberia!

April 16: Stationary Banana Slug Riding Day

  • 1560 BCE - Moses forgets to take his schizophrenia pills and begins to hear voices. He takes off from Ur, resulting in all of modern humanity's problems.
  • 1178 BCE - Odysseus, legendary King of Ithaca, returns to his kingdom after the Trojan War. Cornellians giggle uncontrollably.
  • 1855 - Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln enjoy a night of mad passionate love; sloppy seconds are had after Mr. Lincoln keeps his promise that the "South Shall Rise Again!"
  • 1867 - Queen Victoria considers ending her mourning phase, but continues on: "Why spoil a good time?"
  • 1878 - Joseph Stalin is born, immediately sending his parents to a gulag for birthing a monster.
  • 1889 - Future German dictator, Charles Spencer Chaplin, is born.
  • 1927 - It is a good day to be born if you are the leader of a world religion with the maddest gaze in human history.
  • 1934 - Eleanor Roosevelt uncharacteristically enjoys a hotdog.
  • 1943 - The first "Annual Miss Stalin-Look-Alike" contest is held in the Soviet Union. (pictured) Joseph Stalin wins unanimously.
  • 1953 - Desi Arnaz slaps Lucille Ball, calling her an 'estupit beach' on national television.
  • 2006 - The Queen of England decrees that all Australians must wear cork underpants.
  • 2007 - Donald Trump pardons the 2007 "Annual Miss Stalin-Look-Alike" contest winner for her objectionable behavior after an "all-night session" behind closed doors.

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Ring around the Planet

April 17: Genocide Appreciation Day

  • 455 BCE - Horton hears a Who and agrees with other animals to boil them in Beezle-nut oil. All die instantaneously except Keith Moon, who had already set himself on fire.
  • 50 CE - The Roman Empire invests in a program where Christians die for their own entertainment. Today, this program is known as Pay-Per-View.
  • 1783 - America wins its war for independence. It agrees to continue the British policy of deindianization.
  • 1525 - Cortéz kills all the dirty Aztecs and purifies Mexico by ordering his men to rape the Aztec women. All are thankful.
  • 1555 - After 18 months of siege, Siena surrenders to the Imperial army. The Republic of Siena is incorporated into the Grand Douche of The Dark Side. Italians begin tanning and fist pump their way to the coastal United States.
  • 1915 - The Armenian Genocide begins. Nobody cares. Still.
  • 1932 - Joseph Stalin starves his own people as a "practical joke"; thousands die.
  • 1940 - Adolf Hitler attempts to cleanse Europe of Jews and other minority groups; instead his efforts create resistant minorities that will eat his flesh alive.
  • 1960-something - The Beatthose write Hey Jude, a pro-genocidal song. Everyone loves it.
  • 1992 - While not really genocide related, Rodney King is found not guilty of beating two white policemen.
  • 1994 - The Rwandan genocide begins. Tutsis and Tootsie Rolls alike are mass exterminated.
  • 2005 - In a World of Warcraft incident, several mages perform an online funeral for their friend who died IRL. During the ceremony, they are interrupted and all are killed by a ruthless clan in a genocide-style extermination.
  • 2022 - The Americans decide to conquer and exterminate their not-so-friendly neighbors to the North, the Canadians.

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We honor the US and UK boots on our backs

April 18: Dependence Day (Canada), International Throw a Baby in the Canal Day

  • 4105 BCE - In order to save him from the pharaoh's execution order, Moses's mother takes her son to Disneyland and drops him into the waters of the Splash Mountain log flume ride. His hair turns completely white. Pharaoh's soldiers pass him by as they think he is a tiny Indian yogi in a loincloth with a mystical 1000-yard stare.
  • 1309 - This day also became National Rythym Day.
  • 1310 - The first anniversary of National Rythym Day is henceforth paired with the World Miss Speling Contest.
  • 1485 - A conductor accidentally gives his orchestra jazz band music. Hilarity ensues.
  • 1524 - The world's first Spanish restaurant is founded by Hernán Cortéz in Tenochtitlan.
  • 1948 - The League of Nations is dissolved and replaced by a simpler, easier-to-organize style tournament-format competition called the UN. Surprisingly, the Swedish are champions of the inaugural competition.
  • 1958 - The Supreme Court of the United States bans poetry and evicts all known poets from the country.
  • 1972 - First public toilet opens in Texas. Texans ignore this, and continue urinating in public.
  • 1983 - A suicide plumber floods the United States embassy in Beirut, Lebanon.
  • 1955 - Albert Einstein dies being struck by lightning while playing golf in North Carolina. God cannot be blamed as He was playing dice at the time.
  • 1990 - United States Re-Endangerment Day is the first U.S. national holiday created in honor of rednecks and their contributions to American culture.
  • 2002 - The internet is officially declared "useless and beyond redemption" by the Norwegian military.
  • 2006 - Captain Obvious says you're reading this.

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This is for you, Steve.

April 19: Clitoris Awareness Day, among gamers known as Explosion Day

  • 30,000 BCE - The first clitoris is born.
  • 1559 - University of Padua, Italy recognizes the clitoris' existence.
  • 1775 - In a New York study on human sexual behavior, researches find the clitoris to be more important to female sexual pleasure than the actual vagina. Men with small penises find new hope.
  • 1907 - The first vibrator is introduced in France.
  • 1913 - The sale of vibrators are banned in France, due to electrical grid overload issues.
  • 1941 - Roberto Carlos, formerly Brazil's greatest manwhore (presently a widower), is born in Cachoeiro de Itapemirim. Many clitorii become excited.
  • 1957 - Oral sex becomes a popular alternative to intercourse. Condom sales decline.
  • 1969 - Clitoris piercing becomes a popular fad with the exception of the 10 kilo (22 lb.) dogbone style.
  • 1998 - Windows 98 is released. Memory leaks in the OS cause Bill Gates to be declared the "World's Biggest Clitoris". (pictured)
  • 1990 - Clinton has oral sex with two girls from next door, their mothers, their aunts, and every female in the local phone book up to the letter "G".
  • 2007 - Wikipedia celebrates The First Ever International Main Page Huffing Day.
  • 2007 - Aperture Science launches their Bring-Your-Daughter-to-Work Day, which is the perfect time to have her tested for STDs.
  • 2011 - Aperture Science launches a new official holiday, supposedly better than Christmas. Due to the large numbers of explosions during the destruction of their facilities, the day is named Explosion Day. Nobody knows why.

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Got Weed

April 20: Hitler's Birthday (Germany), Marijuana Day (countries that use the M/D/Y date)

  • 420 - Thousands of marijuana users get throughly ripped as a once-in-a-lifetime numerical coincidence coincidentifies with a 75-times-in-a-lifetime num... where was I?
  • 571 - Cassius Clay is born; later changes name to Muhammad, hails himself as "greatest prophet of all time, baby!"
  • 1607 - White settlers arrive at Jamestown, find nothing of value except some inedible, brown leaves and some equally inedible brown people, so they go home.
  • 1792 - France declares war on itself and surrenders.
  • 1814 - The War of 1812 begins, two years behind schedule.
  • 1889 - Adolf Hitler, perhaps best known for his genocide of the Jews brilliant artwork, is born.
  • 1889 - Meanwhile, in a small town in Bavaria, Adolf Hilter is certainly not born.
  • 1991 - A Very Brady Easter premieres; Alice is crucified to the songs of the Lovin Spoonful.
  • 1993 - Al Gore invents the Environment.
  • 1994 - A fireworks display in Oklahoma City goes horribly wrong; a bystander is blamed and later executed.
  • 1999 - Columbine high school opens the very first high school shooting range in the United States.
  • 2007 - Cho Seung-Hui arrives in Hell. Even Satan is not amused.
  • 2012 - The largest Marijuana festival is held in San Francisco, California with as many as a billion pot smokers attended.
  • 2014 - The time code is discovered and the code is 3.141592653589793238462643383279.

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Romulan Thumb.jpg

April 21: Rome's Birthday (Italy)

  • 1700 BCE - Emperor Palpatine kills Jamie Lynn Spears and then uses the Force to get Shmi Skywalker pregnant with Anakin.
  • 753 BCE - Rome is founded by Romulus and Remus after building it in a day.
  • 752 BCE - The Romulans declare an uneasy truce with the rest of the humans on Earth.
  • 749 BCE - A group of Romulans unable to get dates known as the 'vool-cahns' decide to leave Earth and start their own planet.
  • 1349 - The Spanish Inquisition is not expected.
  • 1350 - A Belgian man expects the Spanish Inquisition, and is promptly beaten to death.
  • 1684 - Isaac Newton proposes the idea of "gravity". It is rejected by non-seculars, and Newton is laughed at and beaten.
  • 1836 - Sam Houston royally teabags Santa Anna and his sleepy Mexicans.
  • 1900 - Creamed corn is deemed just thing to spice up that Sunday dinner.
  • 1918 - French whores rejoice: "The Yanks are cumming" proves true and profitable.
  • 1955 - Bob Hope decides this radio thing is old and busted. If only he knew.
  • 1966 - The Girl from Ipanema is discovered to be like a samba that, swings so cool and sways so gentle, that when she passes each one she passes goes "a-a-ah!"
  • 2003 - Homosexuals finally learn to use a keyboard with two hands.
  • 2006 - April 21st decides to change its name to July 14th. July 14th does not approve and in retaliation changes its name to August 25th, and refuses to acknowledge the month of April any more. This leads to a mass surge in calendar production when everyone takes sides - April lovers stick to the original 12 month calendar, whereas July fanciers take up a new streamlined 11 month number, with pictures of kittens on it. Everything goes back to normal the next day when Mr. T pities April 21st.
  • 2010 - The Spanish Inquisition expects the Spanish Inquisition, and is promptly befuddled resulting in an impromptu tea/ riverdance party that leads to the very fabric of space and time ripping apart. The noitisiuqnI hsinapS meanwhile is not amused.

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Not created on April 22.

April 22: National Try To Assassinate The President Day (United States of America), Mars Day (Mars)

  • 1,200,000,000,000,000,000 BCE - The planet Mars is born.
  • 1,199,999,999,999,999,999 BCE - The planet Mars loses all its liquid water, all life dies out although there's none, and the planet turns red.
  • 4,514,159,265 BCE - Earth becomes a hot lava ball in the middle of nowhere.
  • 8000 BCE - Mars, the Roman god of war, is born. He is named after the planet.
  • 1188 - The Earth cools down and life multiplies way too quickly and ruins the entire planet.
  • 1420 - Johannes Gutenberg becomes a father. He names his firstborn son "Steve".
  • 1609 - Council of Antes declares that peas will henceforth be eaten with a fork.
  • 1882 - First obscene phone call made; crude equipment mandates heavy breathing when careless whispers can not be heard.
  • 1900 - Families all over the world clamor for Jell-O for their just desserts.
  • 1962 - Lee Harvey Oswald fucks up his first attempt to kill JFK so badly the attempt goes unnoticed until 1986, when a remodeling crew fixes the bullet hole.
  • 1970 - The Partridge Family thinks it loves you, but what is it so afraid of?
  • 1970 - An Environmental Teach-In attempts to celebrate Earth Day. The event was a miserable failure because it was discovered that Earth was actually created on September 26.
  • 1999 - Meatloaf declares that he would do anything for love, but under no circumstance would he do that. It turns out that 'that' refers to painting himself black and impersonating Al Jolson.
  • 2002 - WWE star "The Rock" invents the ability to refer to himself in the fifth person, negating the need for the 1st, 2nd 3rd and 4th references.
  • 2003 - A pretzel tries to assassinate president George W. Bush. The pretzel is arrested and later executed by garbage disposal.
  • 2022 - Darth Vader gets his voice box fixed after decades of agony.

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April 23: Bring Your Penis To Work Day, Don't Leave Your Buttcheeks at Work Day

  • 303 - St. George takes his penis to beat the dragon with. Dragon turns out to be into that kinda stuff.
  • 1179 - Richard the Lionhearted attempts to engage King Philip of France in a penis sword fight; "Homo you don't!" replies Philip.
  • 1538 - Truce of Nice: Emperor Charles V and Francis I of France agree that the terms foreskin and prepuce are interchangeable.
  • 1562 - Elizabeth I vows not to take a penis to work, or her bed chamber.
  • 1875 - Queen Victoria outlaws the word penis; decrees henceforth the organ shall be known as "Naughty Mr. Johnson".
  • 1905 - The Royal Society compare penis sizes. Von Lynchenstein has the largest penis.
  • 1909 - Czarina Alexandra beholds Rasputin's penis and won't let go.
  • 1941 - Lead singer from Lordi enters a beauty contest against a penis; penis wins.
  • 1953 - Queen Elizabeth II announces that she shall confer upon the penis the title of Sir.
  • 1967 - Bono is voted the "World's Biggest Penis".
  • 1982 - ZX Spectrum is released to the public, its keyboard made completely of recycled condoms.
  • 1993 - Bill Clinton becomes the first USA president since JFK to bring his penis to the White House.
  • 2005 - The B-lizard's penis freezes and falls off. Adventure Quest is voted the best game ever made by stoners.
  • 2008 - Your mom forgets to pack your penis in your lunchbox. You get teased the rest of the day.
  • 2009 - Tiger Woods brings his penis all over the place, including a Perkins Restaurant.

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April 24: The Feast of Maximum Occupancy, Zombie Jesus Day (Christians and Eggnogstics)

  • 33 CE - Zombie Jesus rises from his tomb and partially devours the brains of his apostles, resulting in most of the inane ramblings in The New Testament.
  • 89 CE - Pope Clement I celebrates the first Zombie Jesus Day by decreeing that people consume copious amounts of high cholesterol in the form of chocolate and painted chicken embryos.
  • 1353 - Badger maulings reach record levels in Europe.
  • 1704 - The first regular newspaper is published in America, The Boston New-Letter, containing overly-opinionated columns and hyped-up headlines. Circulation soars.
  • 1856 - The word 'chairman' is introduced to the Oxford English Dictionary as 'A person with a proclivity to stand sitting'.
  • 1862 - The Amerikan Sivil Whar on spelling begins, the letter u in color being the first victim.
  • 1981 - IBM create the first known evil computer.
  • 1982 - IBM reveals computer wasn't 'evil', it was just running a Microsoft operating system.
  • 1984 - Apple builds the world's first do-nothing computer.
  • 1986 - Time begins, to the disappointment of trillions.
  • 2000 - Fat-free chips are withdrawn from supermarket shelves in the UK due to risk of intestinal implosion.
  • 2005 - George W. Bush declares, 'America is officially full'. Congress approves bypass for Haitian boatpeople to row to Canada.
  • Today - You eat too much food and spend five hours on the toilet thinking of Uncyclopedia jokes.

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National Obesity Day

April 25: National Morbid Obesity Appreciation Day

  • 0 - The world's first April 25th is celebrated. Nostradamus predicts the world's first April 26th to occur a day later. He later predicts the birth of Jimbo Wales and the creation of Wikipedia, but no one believes him due to the idea of both being so stupid.
  • 908 - A horde of plus-sized Vikings raid the east coast of Britain and set up a new IKEA store.
  • 1301 - First known use of the phrase 'I don't give a shit' thought to have been said somewhere around London, England.
  • 1607 - Dutch Commando Dykes led by Hans Solo destroy the anchored Spanish fleet.
  • 1847 - The last survivors of the Donner Party are out of the wilderness. Shortly after, the first McDonners resturant opens. First item on the menu: McRibs.
  • 1862 - The worlds first battery operated fork is created; two million die during its first use.
  • 1915 - Australians invade Turkey, only to piss off next year.
  • 1918 - Turks invade Australia, but stay permanently to drive taxis.
  • 1950 - The Michelin Man is born.
  • 1955 - The first McDonalds is opened.
  • 1956 - Obesity is a recognized health problem.
  • 1957 - Overweight Appreciation Day is upgraded to Morbid Obesity Appreciation Day, whilst Overweight Appreciation Day changes to 25th December.
  • 1986 - First annual (and only) all-night Soviet Power Plant Workers' Tetris Competition is held.
  • 1990 - Astronauts deploying the Hubble Space Telescope drop it on the way out the door, knocking it slightly out of focus.

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Hyperbole Day.jpg

April 26: Hyperbole Day

  • Millions of years ago - Hyperbole Day is founded in the most spectacular ceremony since the dawn of time.
  • 1756 - The exclamation point is born on this fantastic day!
  • 1834 - The best day in all of history! There'll never ever be another day like it! It's AMAZING!
  • 1922 - Warren G. Harding's popularity is at an all time high! New York Times: "Harding is the best president ever!"
  • 1935 - Champagne toasts and caviar dreams greet newborn Robin Leach!
  • 1944 - Concentration camp deaths in Poland reach a new zenith! Hitler asks, "Who knew Jews could be so results oriented?"
  • 1965 - The mildest day in the history of the universe. No other day was as mild. Ever.
  • 1975 - The worst day in the history of the universe, so much so that no one mentions it and so we no longer know when it was. But we do know that it was some time between 1965 and 1988.
  • 1986 - Ronald Reagan stays awake for an entire cabinet meeting!
  • 1986 - The Chernobyl nuclear power plant randomly asploded after Cher poured vodka into the reactor instead of plutonium.
  • 1988 - A group of the world most talented musicians come together to write the greatest song in the history of the world. It has a sound so astonishingly incredible and so incredibly beautiful that people come from all over the world just to hear it played at its one and only live performance at the grandest stadium in the world, the Metrodome.
  • 1990 - Oprah is so hungry she could eat a horse. Twice!
  • 2006 - Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy spews out sperm so high it touches the stars.
  • 2011 - I just had sex! And it felt so good!!! Ya know a woman let me put my penis inside her!!! Say goodbye to cats!!!!!
  • 2016 - You become a 1337 haxor for 5 seconds before going back to being a n00b.

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April 27: Eat a Live Piglet Day (Schenectady, New York; Griffin, Georgia)

  • 1124 - King David the Lastnameless takes the throne of Scotland
  • 1294 - Scotland calls the French a bunch of pussies. Angry grumbling ensues.
  • 1368 - The Big Bad Wolf is found guilty of vandalism and mouth robbery, and is sentenced to 30 hours of social work.
  • 1509 - Pope Julius II places the Italian state of Venice under interdict. The interdict arises from finding the state warm and moist.
  • 1521 - Magellan arrives in the Philippines. The locals invite him in for dinner.
  • 1555 - You are born, but die of cholera by age eight. You don't remember this previous life because you were born a moron.
  • 1934 - The first perpetual motion machine goes on sale in Pennsyltucky. Like, for forever.
  • 1935 - AT&T is formed. Its first disgruntled customer is created moments later.
  • 1945 - USA and USSR meet for the first time in Germany, starting a love affair to last several decades.
  • 1949 - Texas becomes the first US State to outlaw cheese, following the discovery of a Soviet covert chedder ring operating in Houston.
  • 1966 - NASA scientists propose using Dusty Springfield's 11-mile tall bouffant to get to the moon.
  • 1984 - The Libyan Embassy in London is taken hostage by a VW campervan, ending in the shooting of Dr. Emmett Brown.

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Why did the chicken cross the gene?

April 28: World Amateur Gene Splicing Day

  • 70,000 BCE - Homo sapiens emerges from Africa in search of restaurants that are really good but not too pricey and don't have wait staff that treat customers like shit. This single thought would propel all future human migration.
  • 3500 BCE - Moses descends from Mt. Sinai amid thunderclaps and bush conflagrations with a number of commandments.
  • 905 - Court jesters throughout Europe go on strike. This is considered so funny by the ruling class that most get promotions and bonuses.
  • 1818 - A Dr. Frankenstein from Germany finds other uses for his electrical turkey deep fryer invention.
  • 1861 - Oscar Wilde first merits mention in his local newspaper for his treatise on the manufacturing of bon-bons.
  • 1920 - The Soviet Union acquires free agent Azerbaijan; US weakly responds by drafting Alaska 39 years later.
  • 1932 - Dr. Bill Cosby announces discovery of vaccine for Jell-O Fever.
  • 2008 - Long-awaited gaming platform Playstation 4 is released to a wildly supportive public.
  • 1953 - Watson and Crick perfect DNA editing by removing Franklin and Gosling from any credit for discovering its structure.
  • 1993 - The Iron Chef makes gene splicing effective and inexpensive. Ironically, his name is not Gene.
  • 2009 - 90% of the population of Schenectady, New York, is wiped out by a mystery illness resulting from yesterday's festivities.

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Aware NOW, eh?

April 29: Meatball Awareness Day, Five Second Rule Fatalities Memorial Day

  • 2400 BCE - In the earliest recorded instance of a Dear John letter, Cleopatra leaves her husband Caesar using a well-placed papyrus scroll.
  • c.1755 BCE - The five second rule is instituted in the Code of Hammurabi. It is quickly determined that dogs can't tell time nor do they obey human laws.
  • 115 CE - The Kitos War between Romans and Jews is ignited when Jews are required to replace matzah balls with meatballs.
  • 1047 - Pope Clement II changes the five second rule to the ten second rule, extending his life by five seconds before being poisoned.
  • 1429 - Joan of Arc leads an army in relief of besieged Orléans, carrying tons of meatballs for its defenders. Those in Orléans would later note that while appreciating the gesture, the overcooked meatballs could have been better used as cannonballs to destroy the besieging army.
  • 1770 - James Cook lands at Botany Bay, Australia and is immediately bitten by a snake, a spider, a goanna, a sand shark, dingoes and a wombat. As he crawls back to his boat, he looks over his shoulder to see a bunyip mooning him. This traditional greeting would fail to impress.
  • 1862 - New Orleans falls to Union forces under Admiral David Farragut. Ironically, 100 years later, Union forces prove the eventual undoing of the manufacturing sector.
  • 1945 - The German military in Italy unconditionally surrenders to the Allies. Later, Allied forces would attribute their swift victory to the food allergies of the German forces, specifically to meatballs.
  • 1954 - On a dare, a group of drunken Oxford engineering students builds Stonehenge in just under 5 hours in the middle of the night.
  • 1968 - The controversial musical Hair, based on an Oscar Wilde work, opens on Broadway.
  • 1988 - Video kills the Radio Star. Video is promptly arrested.
  • 2004 - The most famous episode of The Osbournes airs, with Ozzy trying to figure out how to eat a meatball using a lawnmower.

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Hitler in infancy.

April 30: Obscure Pop Cultural Reference Day

  • 1026 - The first casualty in the on-going Pirate-Ninja War of the Ages occurs.
  • 1794 - The Battle of Cat Boulou is fought. The French actually win one.
  • 1889 - Hitler rises. So do many cakes and loaves of bread.
  • 1945 - Hitler falls. And he can't get up.
  • 1959 - Grandpa drops a Mento into his glass of Coke. A huge catastrophe occurs.
  • 1962 - Four legs found to be good, with two legs considered less favourably.
  • 1969 - Vietnam vets declare 'You weren't there man!' for the first time.
  • 1989 - Some proles invent 'New Wave of Ingsoc Heavy Metal', Minitrue approved, with BB. Doubleplusgood.
  • 1997 - I for one welcome our insect overlords.
  • 2001 - HAL declares 'I'm sorry, Dave, but I cannot touch this'.
  • 2005 - Frank Joseph Snape gets away with the murder of ex-girlfriend Debbie Dumbledore, despite the fact that everybody already knew about it.
  • 2010 - 1001 Things to Do With a Flaming Appendage ousts the Bible as the most famous and successful book of all time.
  • 2019 - Road Rules Mars begins broadcasting. MTV immediately cancels the series after all participants including the filming crew are killed by an asteroid.
  • 2056 - Harry Potter dies after a long battle with imaginary herpes.

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