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June 5: Vampire Appreciation Day
- 1452 - At the age of 21, Vlad III the Impaler (also known as Dracula), conquers all of Europe, half of Asia, and parts of Africa in less than 4 hours. He then receives the Nobel Peace Prize for this in 1452 and in every other year until his death in 1476 out of the UN's fear of being impaled.
- 1548 - An army of zombie beavers invades Earth. In a short time they conquer every piece of our planet. Two years of beaver domination later, the beavers leave to begin a new life on the Moon.
- 1632 - Dracula becomes "The Tyrant Formerly Known as Vlad the Impaler".
- 1783 - The hot air balloon, powered by Oscar Wilde, is successfully tested.
- 1851 - The band Warrant releases their anti-slavery song Uncle Tom's Cabin.
- 1878 - Professor Van Helsing declares that vampirism might be prevented by eating huge amounts of shit. Shit prices raise to values never seen before.
- 1878 - A huge pandemic of typhoid develops in Europe after millions of people follow the advice of Professor Van Helsing. Shit prices drop to the lowest values ever seen. The phrase "ain't worth shit" is coined.
- 1879 - Politics are invented. The price of shit skyrockets once again.
- 1956 - Walt Disney dies after being stabbed in the heart with a stake in a hilarious incident where he is mistaken for a vampire. Later that day his body is frozen and his head incinerated, in another series of funny mishaps.
- 2001 - God sues Google over Google Earth because it is breaching copyrights. Google lose $3 million and change Google Earth to Google Moon. The lawsuit against Google Moon has not been resolved yet.
- 2007 - McDonalds start a one-day special offer, giving away a free emo member of staff with every Big Mac meal. Vampires come by in their millions. McDonalds make the offer permanent and also stretch to give away Chavs. Vampires everywhere cringe.
- 2009 - The Twilight movie is released; millions of vampires commit suicide.
- 2030 - A time machine is invented and sent back in time to destroy the Twilight movie. It all goes horribly wrong and instead the X-Men trilogy is destroyed. Millions of mutants commit suicide.
- 2031 - You wake up. The vampires are all just a bad dream. The zombies in your closet are not as they are led by a zombie M. Night Shyamalan.