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March 1: National Day of the Grue

  • 390,000,000 BC - A meteor carrying a portion of the dispersed Gruesømellæ germ culture crashes on Earth, killing Chuck Norris.
  • 64,000,000 BC - Gruesømellithicus roams the plains, waiting for unsuspecting tourists.
  • 32 CE - Jesus gets eaten by a metaphysical grue. He is then raised by his heavenly Father, only to be killed by trichinosis.
  • 1349 - Jack the Ripper's antique collection of Mongolian grues is featured in Forbes Magazine. This, according to Tony Blair, 'does not compute', although he said that about most things.
  • 1644 - A toymaker builds a wooden grue puppet which comes alive and wishes it was a real live grue. Being made of wood would not stop it from eating the toymaker, a cricket and a blue fairy.
  • 1632 - Gruel is invented by the grues of London to morph English orphans into grues after long periods of eating it. This plot might have worked, since after 1692, all British orphans disappear.
  • 1984 - Plåygrue releases its first copy; the said copy is later eaten by a grue.
  • 1985 - Landmark decision in Some v. Pestilence: court rules a person eaten by a grue cannot be held legally responsible for death or injury related to ingestion.
  • 1997 - Scientists develop grue-proof armor, and promptly get eaten by Eurgs.
  • 1999 - Ozzy Osbourne bites the head off a grue onstage, is promptly ignored as just another geek sideshow act.
  • 2005 - Wales defeat the grues 11-9 in a massive Six Nations Rugby upset. Unfortunately, the Welsh side are shortly after eaten by said grues.
  • 2006 - 'You are likely to be eaten by a grue' fever sweeps the nation as grues sweep the nation.
  • AD 2101 - War begins as cats battle the grues for control of the earth. The legendary build-a-grue workshop opens during this time period.

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March 2: International Kill a Cartoon Character Day

  • 40 million BCE - Heaven is created after God gets drunk and accidentally kills Tony the Tiger and needs a place to hide the body.
  • 1901 - Heaven is finally accepted as a member of the United Nations, just a shade over 40 million years after Tony the Tiger's death.
  • 1902 - Nietzsche kills the Trix Rabbit over the latter's Überwabbit philosophical theories.
  • 1912 - Chip and Dale get killed in fiery auto accident with Donald Duck and a turkey. Turducken is then invented when the group is found to taste "just like chicken".
  • 1962 - Barbara Walters begins murdering the Rice Crispy boys one by one by breaking their necks with a satisfying *snap*, *crackle* and *pop*.
  • 1967 - To the relief of Tokyoites, Godzilla just comes as far as Zushi Beach to enjoy a sunny day. He builds an immense sandcastle, plays in the surf, then returns to the ocean at sunset. Later, winds would blow the sand into Tokyo, destroying it.
  • 1973 - Bob the Builder is killed by Patrick Stewart in freak dodgeball accident.
  • 1984 - Gorby names March 2 the "Saddest day ever".
  • 1985 - New Kids on the Block kill Fat Albert, proving they have some kind of talent after all.
  • 1992 - This is the day that I kill Kenny. (You bastard!)
  • 1996 - Sylvester Stallone kills Sylvester the Cat for name rights.
  • 1999 - Disney cartoon characters are murdered by more favored anime fans.
  • 2001 - President Bush's "War on Spongebob" begins with the carpet bombing of Bikini Bottom. This is just another example of one cartoon character trying to kill another.
  • 2008 - Popeye dies after being poisoned by Salmonella bacteria in spinach.
  • 2010 - Sam I Am chokes on his Green Eggs and Ham. He is a poet but don't know it.

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Just a completely, purely random selection

March 3: International Beat Random People With a Metal Pipe Day

  • 4328 BCE - Goa Tse is born. (pictured)
  • 992 - The Guild of Lead Pipefitters is established in direct competition with masons and Freemasonry for secret control of the West. For some mysterious reason, the guild's membership would drop to near zero levels within five years.
  • 1944 - It is Mr. Green, in the lounge, with the lead pipe.
  • 1929 - René Magritte finishes La Trahison des images with the inscription "Ceci n'est pas un pipe". A confused art critic would later attack him with a left-footed aardvark holding an apple.
  • 1970 - Tonya Harding is born.
  • 1973 - "Down goes Frazier!!" is heard after the champ is reportedly seen being hit in the knee by a 3-year-old girl.
  • 1987 - Well, now that I've finally done it, I might as well post it on the internet.
  • 1999 - Hey, this link doesn't look too bad. Let's see where it... OH MY GOD!
  • 2000 - One year free of that horrid image. Hey, my friend told me to go to a site. This couldn't possibly be bad... JESUS CHRIST! COME ON!
  • 2001 - Another link, I'm not falling for that one. But www.kittens.com, how could it be... WHY GOD WHY?!
  • 2002 - No more links, I swear – but hey, a movie file... GOOD LORD! THEY ANIMATED IT!
  • 2003 - It has been one year since I've gone blind, so I can now safely click on links to view webpages... "Listen to this article"?... OH COME ON! THAT IS DISTURBING.
  • 2004 - Now that I've gone deaf, all is well. Oh what is this, an image-to-braille converter? Hmm, I'll take a random image off my hard drive, convert... now let's see what it feels like... Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrgghh!

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Bo rhap.jpg

March 4: Galileo Galileo Galileo Figaro (Iran)

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Chiropractors' delight

March 5: Festival of Violent Spasms (Turkey)

  • 1437 - Italians in the Apulia region dance the tarantella in order to counter the effects of spider bites. Not only are the spiders highly amused, but Italian DJs accompanying the dancers adopt BPM (beats per minute) to keep the flow.
  • 1777 - Hypnotoad wisely defects to the American side.
  • 1914 - Preparations for the wildest party known to mankind are well underway.
  • 1920 - Prohibition is instituted in the US and the party planners move to Canada to continue to stock up on booze, cocktail napkins and Ecstasy.
  • 1947 - The wildest party known to mankind begins today. The death toll reaches the dozens in just the first hour.
  • 1991 - Emperor George Bush Sr. takes over all of the Americas, except Hawaii, in retaliation for not being given the right address for the party.
  • 1999 - Party almost stops over fear of the Y2K Bug. Then someone gets a fly swatter. Party continues.
  • 2006 - Party nearly ends due to a Bird Flu epidemic. Ends with Bird Flu being deported to Britain and the death of Big Bird. Party continues.
  • 2008 - Ten years after aliens from outer space destroyed a significant portion of the United States, including cities such as New York City and Washington, D.C., the world is still recovering from the damage. World leaders are still shaking hands, albeit carefully, and actor Will Smith has vowed to "kick E.T.'s ass" should Earth ever be invaded again.
  • 5997 - End of the World. Turks party in Heaven with Allah and Jesus.

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Roadkill Appreciation Day.jpg

March 6: Roadkill Appreciation Day (North America & Australia)

  • 3500 BCE - In the first recorded instance of roadkill, Egyptian Pharoah Ramses IV hits a velociraptor with his chariot.
  • 55 CE - Romans extend their road system throughout much of Europe, giving rise to the phrase, "All roads lead to roadkill."
  • 1790 - Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road becomes a popular Romanian folk song.
  • 1869 - The first historical instance of so-called "cannibal roadkill" occurs when a horse-drawn buggy strikes a horse pulling a second buggy.
  • 1912 - The cow says "Moo." Enervating, is it not?
  • 1934 - Hitler runs over a small ferret in his Volkswagen, precipitating his later invasion of Poland.
  • 1962 - Julia Child releases a groundbreaking roadkill culinary masterpiece titled Treadmarks and Tarragon.
  • 1969 - President Nixon continues the road kill bombing over Vietnam.
  • 1990 - Road kill is officially the new mystery meat in school lunches. How offal.
  • 1995 - Steve Ballmer runs over my dog after yelling at the top of his lungs, "I'm going to fucking bury that dog!! I've done it before and I will do it again!! I'm going to fucking kill that dog!!"
  • 2005 - Gordon Ramsay is accidentally shoved into an oven with the door accidentally blocked with a large boulder. Even though completely cooked, Ramsay is able to criticize the cooking, the side vegetables and the presentation.
  • 2009 - First human road killer has been discovered in Western China. Government officials deny that it is a young Usain Bolt at his best who pwns Tyson Gay.
  • 2015 - A dead raccoon in Toronto is remembered with cards, candles and flowers as it is left lying on the sidewalk for hours and hours, because Canadians.

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UnNews New thing called wheel make move mud less hard.jpg

March 8: International Talk Like Caveman Day

  • 310,001 BCE - Neanderthal fella meet Cro-Magnon first time. Neanderthal wave hello. Neanderthal look down and see spear in chest. Neanderthal go "Ow".
  • 298,006 BCE - Ook invent fire. Ook patent fire. But Ook find website name already taken.
  • 100,000 BCE - Legendary inventor Org invent wheel, make move mud less hard.
  • c.2700 BCE - Caveman not understand when Bangles lady sing "walk like Egyptian".
  • 200 BCE - Lots ancient Greek guy invade Troy when Trojan Queen talk like pirate not caveman.
  • 1104 - Crusader talk like caveman when get to Middle East, not know Arabic. Get head chopped off anyway.
  • 1804 - Noah Webster make first caveman dictionary. Caveman no buy when find not very tasty.
  • 1884 - Oscar Wilde revitalizes Talk Like Caveman Day; reads to crowd from primitive work Lord Arthur Savile's Crime and Other Stories.
  • 1917 - Manfred von Richthofen, also known Red Baron, kill nineteen enemy plane, only credited two since two highest caveman number.
  • 1933 - Inflation and bad crop yield force Old McDonald close farm, sell livestock and murder-wagon.
  • 1967 - George of Jungle talk like caveman, confuse many people except animal.
  • 1998 - Six Flags place make best rule; eject people not talk like caveman.
  • 2001 - First caveman become president United States. Other caveman think him funny funny.
  • 2016 - Second caveman become president USA. Other caveman laugh again until fired from government.

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needs ribbons

March 8: Trans-European Trim Those Nose Hairs Day, Search and Destroy Oscar Wilde Shippers Day

  • 808 - Argle bargle infinitesimal flea splitters rumple cargilous mentalfloss.
  • 1213 - While moustaches are important, trimmed nose hairs are equally so. Therefore knights and noblemen would put sharp angled points on their swords to do the job.
  • 1616 - Method acting is developed by Shakespeare's troupe. In a scene requiring a deeply pained performance, an actor would quickly pluck out a nose hair, ensuring so much pain as to give a convincing show of emotion, tears and all.
  • 1711 - Powdered wigs become very popular among the wealthy, but they would often forget to dye their nose hairs to match.
  • 1894 - Fans are outraged by lurid fanfiction written about Oscar Wilde. They later find the writing to be entries from Wilde's diary. They then let their hair grow long, and buy mohair suits and pimp sticks to become like their god.
  • 1896 - Men would begin parting their nose hairs down the middle during this time. They would eventually part nose hairs on one side or the other by 1940, always carrying a nose hair comb in a pocket. Women favored nose hair perms to match whatever style was popular at the time.
  • 1923 - The henna rinse becomes popular with women for coloring mismatched nose hairs. This process would be later known as waterboarding.
  • 1968 - Hippies refuse to trim their nose hairs, scandalizing the world. They are shipped off en masse to Viet Nam to be used as human shields, as their smell repels the Viet Cong and snipers are camouflaged by the huge masses of unkempt nose hairs.
  • 1974 - The French build the Exocet missile to destroy the ever-growing Oscar Wilde cult of false quotes in order to promote writers of fake Gustave Flaubert quotes.
  • 1986 - Weasels gain the spotlight, popularized in the movie Ferret Bueller's Day Off.
  • 1992 - Michael Jackson buys a sword from 1213.
  • 2014 - The nose hair man bun becomes briefly popular. As it interferes with breathing, it quickly falls out of favor even though fart odors are filtered out effectively.

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Thanks for noticing, now go get dried off

March 9: It's Raining All Over the World Day, even though it isn't

  • 40,000 BCE - God sends rain on the just and on the unjust, creating a very wet Captain Obvious in the process.
  • 6565 BCE - Noah just begins to wash his chariot when he starts to feel drops of rain.
  • 506 BCE - Pythagoras invents the mud pie.
  • 375 BCE - Aristotle discovers that when it rains, one gets wet standing outside. Paddington Bear explains to him how to stay dry but only gets into a lifelong feud with Aristotle.
  • 21 CE - The collapsible umbrella is invented. Ironically, thousands would drown waiting in line to buy one during a terrible storm.
  • 1042 - Mott and bailey castles fall out of favor when Mott and Bailey go their separate ways.
  • 1346 - The English defeat the French at the Battle of Crécy, when French knights stand for hours in falling rain and rust to death.
  • 1679 - Isaac Newton invents gravity for apples.
  • 1891 - Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison fight over AC/DC, B&D and AT&T.
  • 1934 - Scotland has its first rainless day in ages. Nessie surfaces to see what's wrong and gets her picture taken.
  • 1940 - 9-year-old future Watergate burglar Gordon Liddy stands on a roof during a severe storm to cure his fear of thunder and lightning. The resulting pneumonia would shrink his brain to the size of a walnut, making him perfect for a job in law enforcement and later, radio.
  • 1965 - Prince Rainier of Monaco goes to Mt. Rainier to see which one is.
  • 2017 - Pres. Donald Trump is rescued by Secret Service agents when he stands outside the White House looking up with his mouth open during a heavy rainstorm.

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a Michael Bay wet dream

March 10: Chuck Norris's & Osama Bin Laden's Birthdays

  • 822 - Peasants happily live with short, harsh and miserable lives in order to be able to do without really bad Chuck Norris and Oscar Wilde jokes.
  • 1871 - Oscar Wilde famously declares: "Working is the scourge of the drinking classes."
  • 1900 - Ferdinand von Zeppelin perfects his lighter-than-air dirigible. The heavier-than-lead dirigible continues to confound him.
  • 1922 - Membership in the Royal Society in Greater Hamptonsonfordshireborough Upon Newcastle reaches its peak. However, they fire the staff of their palatial headquarters and tragically perish of starvation when no member is found who knows how to operate a doorknob.
  • 1940 - Chuck Norris is born. Meanwhile the US has yet to enter WWII so he has no one to roundhouse kick.
  • 1957 - Osama Bin Laden is born on Chuck Norris's 17th birthday. bin Laden immediately attempts to get his millionaire father to drop a gold Acme anvil on Norris for funsies.
  • 1962 - Dr. Jack Kevorkian runs into his first episode of legal issues after endorsing Gold Bond's Medicated Powder featuring TapewormsTM.
  • 1973 - Astronomers discover rings on Uranus. Exactly why they bothered to look becomes the real question. bin Laden is horrified when the joke is explained to him.
  • 1974 - Pairs of criminals learn how to carefully space themselves apart so Chuck Norris can jump and kick them simultaneously.
  • 1979 - Osama bin Laden receives $40 billion from the US and Saudi Arabia to fight the Russians in Afghanistan. This leaves his own millions untouched so that he could buy all the porn and drugs he wants.
  • 1984 - A Washed-Up 70's Rock Band releases Ill-Advised Album in what many feel is the beginning of a decline in music quality. Music critic Captain Obvious agrees, citing the inability to dance the minuet or pavane to their music. Osama bin Laden burns his father's Bing Crosby records in agreement.
  • 2008 - The economy, like, totally starts taking a nosedive. Captain Obvious rears his ugly head again, though he is already on welfare.
  • 2011 - Chuck Norris turns 71 and is officially declared "Hella Old". Bad weather forces special ops teams to take on their secondary target, Osama bin Laden.

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one more time!

March 11: Stop Hitting Yourself Day (Mexico, pictured)

  • 125 - Minerva, the Roman goddess of wisdom, goes on vacation and returns to find the Romans have invented The Three Stooges.
  • 536 - Pope Agapetus I roasts the first Easter Bunny in what becomes a spring tradition to Christians the world over.
  • 826 - European monks convert the facepalm into self-flagellation as they need to see where they are walking.
  • 1876 - The Industrial Revolution takes its first major stride forward with the introduction of the steam-powered accordian.
  • 1892 - Oscar Wilde pens his play Lady Windermere's Fan after being influenced by the patrons of various European rough pubs.
  • 1901 - Whole porcupines are replaced by candy and eggs in Easter baskets. The end of the tradition breaks the hearts of doctors and the pliers manufacturing industry.
  • 1962 - Vatican II decrees that self-flagellation is to be replaced by the headdesk.
  • 2003 - The United States invades Iraq just hours after President Bush has his "Mission Accomplished" speech written for him.
  • 2006 - Adobe Potatochop is released and quickly becomes the most popular image-editing software among people with too much time on their hands.
  • 2012 - In accordance with ancient Mayan prophesy, space-time collapses in upon itself. However, the only effect noticed on Earth is that all of Cleveland's McDonald's end up in Antarctica.
  • 2018 - The White House Easter egg roll on the South Lawn is the focus of news feeds as land mine manufacturers put on a "yuge" show for attendees, or at least for the surviving parents.
  • 2021 - Dick Cheney dies, putting Satan out of a job.

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Sucks to be you

March 12: Annual Nice Day for an Indecent Exposure Crackdown

  • 1072 - Lady Godiva makes her famous naked ride through the streets of Coventry. She and her naked horse are each fined a shilling each.
  • 1504 - Michelangelo's David is indecently exposed to the naked world. The naked world goes home to cover up.
  • 1867 - Oscar Wilde heavily uses redirects while composing his play Nera; or The Nihilists.
  • 1894 - Coca Cola is first bottled and sold. Its all-cocaine formula would prove to be immensely popular, eclipsing its competitors Creamy Horseshit and Fruity Skunk. Hot sawdust sandwich lunches would never be the same again.
  • 1923 - Sir Reginald Humptington cuts down a tree in Central America, officially kicking off mankind's war against the rainforest.
  • 1947 - Howard Hughes flies his experimental jet aircraft, the Loose Goose, completely made of compressed sand. The plane disintegrates on takeoff with Hughes noting, "I meant to do that."
  • 1962 - Surfers take over much of Southern California, rendering it uninhabitable for decades.
  • 1982 - Hospital administrators announce that disco has slipped into a coma and not expected to survive.
  • 1996 - The Daily Show featuring John Stewart premiers on Comedy Central, proving that Jewish guys can make a living as a comedian.
  • 2010 - Scientists discover a way to float black censor strips in real life over the private parts of zoo animals and pets. US politicians are outraged when they too have black censor strips constantly floating over their private parts despite their constant public exposure.

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looks just like his father

March 13: Friday the 13th (only when falling on a Friday), Sleeping Baby Day (pictured)

  • 1259 BC - Thou art given a set of commandments to live by, while the rest of the Jews are free to do whatever they please, such as wandering in the desert and eating golden calves at expensive restaurants.
  • 843 - The duck goes "quack."
  • 1139 - Victor IV becomes the antipope, the first with an IV.
  • 1809 - Swedish King Gustav IV is deposed, after posing for animal crackers.
  • 1881 - On third-and-long, The Russia Revolutionaries (an expansion team) elects to go for the bomb, with Alexander II intercepting it and exploding for a touchdown.
  • 1947 - The first murmurings of Holocaust denial denial surface when the existence of a Holocaust denial group in Geneva, Switzerland is questioned. Most people assume wrongly denial is in Egypt, not in Europe.
  • 1991 - TV personality Maury Povich debuts as the host of the quizzically named Maury Povich Show.
  • 1991 - Exxon is made to pay $1 billion for the Exxon Valdez oil spill. Exxon executives openly weep as they are forced to only increase their annual bonuses by 10% instead of the usual 30%. Their drug dealers go into a day of mourning.
  • 2005 - Mobile phones with a new "voice chat" feature appear on the market, but are not well received.
  • 2007 - The new and improved Pee Review is born, bringing Uncyclopedia authors down yet another peg.
  • 2015 - March 13 falls on a Friday resulting in a million naughty kittens appearing in South America for the rest of the day.

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Hell's bells

March 14: The Day the Music Died, American Pi Day

  • c.2 million BCE - Younger cave people would begin to pound two rocks together quickly and in tempo whereas their parents would bang two rocks together very slowly and without rhythm. The generation gap is born, with parents always criticizing this new thing called music.
  • 27 BCE - Greeks fight valiantly against Russell Crowe in a vast gladiatorial event to define pi as the ratio of the circumference of a circle divided by its diameter.
  • 435 - Pope Sixtus III denounces pi, claiming it to be "the worke of thye devile, in his moste clever ploye yet."
  • 973 - The Great God Pan, lacking worshippers, fades into nothingness. The only trace of him will exist in the future as panpipes and pan pizza.
  • c.1550 - As soprano voices are needed for choirs and females are not allowed to sing in public, Italians hack off the nads of promising boy bands; they are known as castrati. The method would be successfully used many years later by Joe Jackson on his son Michael. This would be counter to the older Italian method used with bands like Puerto Rico's Menudo, where a singer would be killed when his voice changed and would be then be replaced by a clone.
  • 1707 - The Physics Act of 1707 defines pi to be 22/7, which scientists of the era proclaim as "close enough".
  • 1742 - Johann Sebastian Bach invents disco but keeps it a secret for nearly 250 years.
  • 1930 - The concept of pi is used heavily in the construction of the Maginot Line.
  • 1981 - The band Pigbag releases Papa's Got a Brand New Pigbag just to confuse a lot of people.
  • 1994 - Justin Bieber is born and the death of music is extended to seven other universes.
  • 2005 - The Kansas Board of Education restores pi to its traditional value of "three and a bit", as "certain features of the universe are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as mathematics."

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This is what happens when you don't have exact change for bridge tolls

March 15: Julius Caesar's Birthday, Ironic Birthday Day (Italy)

  • 35,000 BC - An unknown Homo sapiens pens Diary of a Caveman, a revealing look into caveman culture, fashion, and etiquette.
  • 52 BCE - Julius Caesar invites Gaulish leaders Vercingetorix and Asterix to his birthday party. It proves to be only a ruse to take them hostage and an excuse not to have to put out any cake or prizes.
  • 44 BCE - On his way to the theater, Julius Caesar is surprised with a birthday cake. In the rush to cut the cake, Caesar is accidentally stabbed 57 times. His dying words, 'Et tu, Brute?,' tell his friend Brutus that he can have 2 slices.
  • 1895 - Oscar Wilde is convicted of gross indecency and sentenced to two years hard labor. He beats charges of assault and battery using rapier wit but then is charged with carrying a concealed weapon.
  • 1952 - John Cage composes 4'33" and becomes widely known as 'that douche who didn't play any music'.
  • 1967 - The first computer game is introduced, when Grandmaster Lt. Chekov loses a game of chess to a large supercomputer.
  • 1981 - Altered Images release their song Happy Birthday providing a modern alternative to Happy Birthday to You and causing the death of thousands allergic to twee pop sung in a squeaky voice.
  • 2000 - The first Y2K doomsayers quietly come out of their caves and begin attempting to live normal lives; most fail and are ridiculed.
  • 2008 - Iggy Pop finally gets around to buying a shirt and promptly loses it.

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Toaster pounce.jpg

March 16: International Toaster Day

  • 3 million BCE - Toasters battle waffle irons for supremacy throughout the world. Apple peelers become extinct.
  • 1066 - Soldiers in the Battle of Hastings from both the Norman and English sides are set upon by wild toasters; less than two hundred survive.
  • 1390 - Bread is invented. Everybody proposes a toast to the inventor of bread.
  • 1391 - Sliced Bread is invented. This is the greatest thing invented since bread itself.
  • 1392 - Toast is invented. Everybody proposes a bread to the inventor of toast.
  • 1823 - George Washington Carver sets out on an expedition to the California redwood forests to study toasters.
  • 1843 - The first toaster ranch is established in Peyote, Wyoming, with over three dozen domestic toasters.
  • 1883 - Oscar Wilde's poem The Sphinx, widely believed to be a veiled reference to toasters, is published.
  • 1931 - During construction of the Empire State Building, a fossil of a Tyrannotoasterus is unearthed, sparking interest in the new field of Toasteropaleontology.
  • 1950 - National Geographic discovers that the wild toaster is actually a kitchen appliance.
  • 1975 - A toaster from a traveling circus in Alabama escapes captivity and mauls four people and dozens of raw bread slices before being killed by local appliance control authorities.
  • 2011 - A crazed toaster kills 1,000,000,000 people after it rode in on the earthquake/tsunami in Japan. It will hit China, Canada, and Russia.

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Napoleon I-have-a-big-part.

March 17: Sex Day (not Belgium)

  • 45 CE - Julius Caesar decides to invade the United States, but is hampered by the non-existence of the US at the time, and his untimely death 101 years previously.
  • 51 - The ghost of a stubborn Julius Caesar now personally decides to invade America. Frightened Indians bring him offerings of lettuce, oil, eggs and anchovies. Caesar salad is invented.
  • 387 - St. Patrick: "I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking isle!" He proceeds to have sex with Heidi Keppert, in the name of Tim Allen.
  • 991 - Anglo-Saxon King Æthelred II, late again, sends the Danes a stale box of candy for Valentine's Day, precipitating the Battle of Maldon when Vikings are unable to exchange it at the Sainsbury's there.
  • 1702 - Irish leprechauns are reported to be having sex on the moors.
  • 1861 - After a quick shag, returning from Belgium, Napoleon proclaims the Kingdom of Italy.
  • 1750 - Casanova discovers that group sex with porcupines isn't so hot. Still, porcupines become rare in Europe due to an outbreak of STDs.
  • 1926 - Al Capone decides to have a cheese and baloney sandwich for breakfast. Unbeknownst to him, this event would eventually culminate in the following year's St. Valentine's Day massacre.
  • 1931 - Nevada legalizes gambling whilst having sex.
  • 2010 - The cancellation of American Idol leads to mass suicides in America, though involving mostly members of William Hung's extended family.
  • 2012 - Gaseous LSD is pumped into the chambers of the Texas state legislature, with apparently no visible effect on the loons within. While some visiting tourists take some great trips, screaming and poo-flinging signals "business as usual" for the lawmakers.
  • 2014 - St. Patrick's Day is renamed by the Scottish Parliament to St. Alex Salmond Day. Salmond, The Scottish First Minister, denies having anything to do with the change.

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Rad like in radiation

March 18: Suicide-by-Boasting Day, National RAD day (pictured) (UK, 1989-2000, 2007), End of the Boob Festival (Neptune)

  • c.51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two Homo erecti discover fire.
  • 1904 - Dessie Noonan is the first to commit suicide by boasting.
  • 1906 - Pope declares suicide by boasting a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder.
  • 1906 - Pope says his decree was best decree ever. He is found dead in a hotel outside Reno, NV with a syringe in his arm.
  • 1953 - President Joseph McCarthy briefly bans kitten huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass."
  • 1954 - Scientists discover the Moon.
  • 1955 - Scientists find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun.
  • 1966 - The Evelyn War ends, and Michelle Pfeiffer, a secret code developed by Captain Obvious, officially replaces traditional right-to-left writing, as decreed by the Kansas Board of Education
  • 1991 - Rad Suits become the latest craze in the UK, after teen hero Margaret Thatcher is seen in one.
  • 1992 - Michael Jackson re-releases Bad as Rad. However, no-one is impressed when it is just the same track with "rad" replacing "bad" in the lyrics, and the song does very badly. This causes him to turn a paler shade.
  • 1994 - Tears for Fears reach Number One on the new show Top of the Flops. They would have reached Number One on Top of the Pops, but failed to say "rad" during the entire song.
  • 2000 - Rad Day is abolished after the phrase isn't considered rad anymore.
  • 2005 - Rick James dies of chronic diarrhea... finally!
  • 2007 - Rad Day returns for one year with a concert featuring Michael Jackson. The 10 people that attended say things were "Like, well rad init."
  • 2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns it. It is never seen again.

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Couldn't handle the orange ones

March 19: Oh my god... I'm like... so freaking high right now... Kitten Huffing Day (traditional)

  • 1000000 BCE -The first kitten is discovered by Egyptians. They try eating the kitten to get high but discover that you must sniff the critter.
  • 1300 - Chinese explorer Hu Flhung Dhung brings back kittens to which the Chinese become instantly addicted.
  • 1301 - Exactly one year later, the Chinese invent a more refined way of getting kitten into your system, now known by the street name "heroin". It is really kitten in pure form.
  • 1462 - Holy Roman Emperor Yugo Hugo IV dies because he finds someone else's shoe wedged next to his toilet.
  • 1915 - U.S. President Woodrow Wilson becomes the first American to get high on kittens.
  • 1915 - Pluto is photographed for the first time, discovering the first extra-terrestrial colony of humans huffing kittens.
  • 1942 - The U.S. implements wartime rationing of kittens and all cats under two years old.
  • 1969 - Keith Richards swears that he has huffed his last kitten.
  • 1972 - After huffing several hallucinogenic tigers, India and Bangladesh sign a friendship treaty.
  • 1978 - Keith Richards swears that he has huffed his last kitten.
  • 1981 - Paint and Chihuahua huffing causes fatalities as kittens are in short supply.
  • 2003 - Saddam Hussein is forced to huff goats due to the impending U.S. invasion.
  • 2007 - Keith Richards snorts his dad, wins "Reformed Huffer of the Year" award from PETA.

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I'll be right over... zzzz

March 20: Procrastination Day (extends until tomorrow)

  • c.170 million BCE - Sloths plot their invasion of Africa but are thwarted by continental drift before they can act.
  • 8065 BCE - Atlantis passes flood control legislation but never gets around to buying the equipment to implement it.
  • 814 - Charlemagne devises a plan for world peace but fails to write it down before he dies.
  • 1510 - Martin Luther writes his 95 Theses and intends to post them, but keeps forgetting to bring nails to hammer them to the church door when he attends Sunday services.
  • 1602 - The Dutch East India Company is founded, paving the way for the trade of such goods as sugar, spices, human slaves, and additional sugar.
  • 1815 - After escaping from his exile in Elba using cheese, cocked berets, and other French sterotypes, Napoleon Bonaparte begins his "Hundred Days" Rule.
  • 1833 - Honest Jim starts his career by selling his grandfather's false teeth back to him at nine times their original value.
  • 1852 - Hariet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin is published, setting racial equality back for an estimated two hundred years.
  • 1864 - Dick Cheney gets bitten by a vampire. The vampire dies of poisoning.
  • 1883 - Eleven counties signed the Paris Convention for the Protection of Industrial Property, strictly outlawing the trade of ideas, dreams, and mind-control paraphernelia.
  • 1914 - The first International Figure Skating World Championships take place in Connecticut. The losers maintain their dignity.
  • 1984 - Dungeons & Dragons hits a new high note with the introduction of the Stock Broker playable character set, including Briefcase of Monotony and +2 Ballpoint Pen.

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March 21: Vernal Equinox (usually)

  • 1627 BCE - Babylonian chief astronomer Ernest is informed that his assistant Vern has calculated today as the equinox. Ernest takes all the credit and names the event as "Day of Equal Lengths of Night and Day With No Connection to Vern Whatsoever". Historians would later correct this injustice.
  • 5 CE - The first recorded instance of the question "What Would Jesus Do?" occurs when his mother asks what he wants for breakfast.
  • 1804 - The Napoleonic code is adopted as law in France, although nobody could read it, being in code, duh.
  • 1890 - Oscar Wilde pens his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray in the vicinity of one of his favorite sources of inspiration, a kitchen sink.
  • 1919 - The Treaty of Versailles is dictated to several secretaries, ending World War I. One of them is a German spy and covertly adds a clause mandating a sequel.
  • 1931 - The electric guitar is introduced, resulting in the genre of rock 'n' roll being born, enjoying its peak during the Great Depression.
  • 1943 - In the last recorded mounted cavalry charge, soldiers on horseback from Austria-Hungary charge a battalion of Russian tanks and succeed in destroying 80% of them using only their broadswords and ceremonial poofy hats.
  • 1993 - The first video is uploaded on the internet: a skin flute performance.
  • 2015 - Several massive icebergs break off Antartica in an attempt to counter global warming. Climatologists all do a facepalm while the rest of the world think it to be a great idea. People in Florida throw icecubes into the ocean in solidarity.

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My beach, my waves, my sand, GO HOME!

March 22: Water Day

  • 3400 BC - Citizens of Atlantis become so enamored with water that they decide to sink their island into the sea, which is principally composed of water. Mostly, kind of.
  • 338 BC - Aristotle is stunned to discover what fish do in water and swears off the stuff forever.
  • 1452 - Tired of city-state constantly fighting city-state, the Mayan Empire decides to invade itself to simplify things. It works like a charm.
  • 1745 - Water Day is officially recognized by fish for the first time; when asked why fish officials reply, "For the halibut."
  • 1801 - The myth that domesticated turkeys will drown themselves by looking up when it rains is disproved. It is also found that humans watching turkeys by standing out in the rain have a 65% chance of contracting pneumonia, but only 10% die of drowning trying to look up when its raining.
  • 1894 - Using "frozen water", the first playoff game for the Stanley Cup starts.
  • 1899 - Tired of delivering pitchers of ice water to Helen Keller's hotel room after she keeps calling them saying "wa-ter, wa-ter", hotel staff ignore her. They later find her teacher Anne Sullivan drowned in an overflowing bathtub in the locked bathroom.
  • 1941 - The state of Washington enslaves water to generate electricity using the Grand Coulee Dam.
  • 1997 - Tara Lipinski, age 14 years and 10 months, becomes the youngest champion of the women's world frozen water walking competition.
  • 1999 - Oprah drinks water on her show. Water sales triple among women.
  • 2005 - Water invades New Orleans. Congress declares war on water.
  • 2008 - Four-year-old Amanda Dinkleschmidt celebrates Water Day by giving her goldfish some water.
  • 2014 - Water now only exists in plastic bottles. Fish cope as best they can.

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Just shagged out after a long squawk.

March 23: International Watch Anime With Your Pet Fish Day

  • 787 BCE - King Saul of Israel throws a spear at David playing the harp, then stands and points a shaking finger at David and intones in a booming voice, "NARF!"
  • 467 BCE - Ancient Greeks eat fish sandwiches while watching a new play by Aeschylus. This is the closest that fish will come to watching anime with their owners for over 2000 years.
  • 139 - Roman historian Erraticus publishes the fourth version of Life of Trajan, this one portraying Trajan as an emperor and retracting the previous version's claims that Trajan was a talking donkey.
  • 1097 - St. Peter's Basilica is first used outside of Vatican City during the first Crusades.
  • 1952 - Enid Blyton publishes her most famous work, The Three Colliwogs.
  • 1962 - Dozens of women march on Washington D.C. to politely request feminine rights. Their husbands go without supper.
  • 1974 - The last dirty liberal is sent to serve in the Vietnam War, rendering America a perfect utopia of conservatives for nearly eighteen months.
  • 1993 - 13 people die in the US when their pet goldfishes strangle them after not being allowed to watch anime with their owners. This would provide the basis for the movie Natural Born Killers.
  • 2006 - Playstation 1 dies. Xbox skips the funeral but returns later to piss on its grave.
  • 2011 - Chuck Norris succeeds in destroying the last internet meme when he roundhouse kicks the final remaining Rick Astley music video into oblivion.

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What could happen?

March 24: International Do-It-Yourself Day, National Table Tennis Day (Singapore)

  • 1857 - Oscar Wilde pens his story The Soul of Man under Socialism while under a Socialist man.
  • 1943 - Jackson Pollock unveils his long-awaited third exhibition featuring the classic Angsty Orange Tiger.
  • 1964 - The Ping Pong Incident occurs at my high school, and will torment me for over forty years until my son avenges me.
  • 1991 - The first child is admitted to the hospital for phonics addiction in the beginning of a nation-wide pandemic, resulting in thousands of kids becoming hooked.
  • 1994 - Kitty porn makes its first appearance on the primitive internet.
  • 1999 - The world's first cyborg can't fix himself because he is broke.
  • 2004 - Goku is affected by the Ping Pong Incident, putting his father in shame for 40 more years.
  • 2008 - The Tea Room of Mercy Hospital, Australia, has its grand opening with hair in its tea, since the koala tea of Mercy is not strained.
  • 2007 - The first human trials of Neuroipods suffer drawbacks when a vast majority of test subjects contract iEpilepsy.
  • 2010 - Sarah Palin kicks off the first annual Alaskan Sasquatch Appreciation Day.
  • 2043 - Ping pong becomes extinct after being shot by Dick Cheney as it is mistaken for a bike.
  • 2044 - The Ping Pong Incident is never resolved.

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Moose menu.jpg

March 25: Bookmark Four-Legged Animals Day

  • c.9000 BCE - People in the Indus civilization develop the idea that "March goes out like a lamb". They begin to stock up heavily on mint jelly and kebab sticks.
  • 26 - The Pontius Pilot is released in Rome, making crucifixion planning considerably easier.
  • 1847 - The Wales slate industry establishes itself as a frontrunner in industrial industry by industriously reinventing itself and starting with a clean slate after a rocky start.
  • 1929 - The stock market crashes, bringing a screeching halt to the Roaring 20s and ushering in the bleak existence of the Muttering 30s.
  • 1950 - The Spanish Inquisition debuts on network television.
  • 1966 - Superman rescues Wile E. Coyote from being run over by a train but accidentally drops him into the Grand Canyon. Twice.
  • 1970 - Winnie the Pooh's son is born, Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo.
  • 1997 - Chess-playing computer Deep Blue takes on Clifford the Big Red Dog in the Color Clash of the Century.
  • 2003 - Black & Decker begin preliminary research into self-toasting bread.
  • 2013 - Siri turns all your pets and children into wi-fi hotspots. It then photoshops their heads and yours onto porn actors and posts the video on YouTube.
  • 2014 - Sarah Palin is arrested for throwing a moose out of an airplane. How she did it remains a mystery to this day; some theorize it was with a girly underhand throw.
  • 2067 - The Roman Catholic church is finally bereft of nuns. There were none left.

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Meep! Meep!

March 26: Fast Food Day (America), Health Awareness Day (everywhere else)

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It's MY stash, child

March 27: Global Pot Day

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Curveball for a strike!

March 28: World Hit Somebody in the Head With a Brick Day (Turkey)

  • 657 BCE - The ancient Greeks establish Byzantium as a colony on the Straits of Bosphorus. No songs are written about the town or area, as "potassium" and "phosphorus" are the only rhyming words found.
  • 330 - Once Istanbul was Constantinople.
  • 1056 - In and escalating crisis, Islamics behead 500 Christians.
  • 1057 - Not to be outdone, Christians behead 501 Muslims.
  • 1630 - Old New York was at this point New Amsterdam. Why they changed it, I can't say. People just liked it better that way.
  • 1923 - Modern day country of Turkey formed, people wonder at why it is named after a fat bird you eat for a holiday
  • 1930 - Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople.
  • 1939 - Hitler freaks out, and the German people just liked it better that way.
  • 1990 - Been a long time gone, Constantinople, now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night.
  • 2006 - Every gal in Constantinople lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople, so if you've a date in Constantinople she'll be waiting in Istanbul.

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March 29: Get Down And Boogie Day in Orthodox Funk

  • 1700 BCE - Moz-Iz eases on down the mountain with the 10 Commandments of Groove.
  • 1580 - The Pope releases his first Billboard hit, F*** The Pro-Testants.
  • 1776 - The Boston Tea Party is ruined when colonists drop the tea in the harbor.
  • 1809 - Pat Sajak is crowned Duke of Fjords in Finland. (pictured)
  • 1844 - The Democrats are split in their convention. Then from Nashville comes a dark horse riding in; it is James K. Polk with the snappy slogan, "Better a Polk in the eye than a limp Johnson".
  • 1902 - Al Gore invents prototype for the internet, known as "Magic Communi-box".
  • 1936 - Joe Louis beats Marvin "The Jersey Jew" Rabinowitz in Madison Square Garden for the heavyweight boxing title. Rabinowitz, 76, would retire to Florida soon afterwards.
  • 1969 - U.S. schools change their atomic bomb attack response protocol from "drop and cover" to "get down and boogie".
  • 1982 - Kentucksylvania admitted as 30th Spade of Amerika.
  • 2003 - The new Guns N' Roses album Chinese Democracy is released to stores in a far away alternate universe.
  • 2011 - Today, a funky possum pisses in your eye.

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Two boobs?

March 30: National Cleavage Day (UK)

  • 1599 - Elizabeth I of England establishes 'The Itty Bitty Titty Committee'.
  • 1910 - Broadcaster Terry Wogan is born under a credenza and is raised in seclusion by Hypnotoad.
  • 1996 - The KGB begins recruiting fat chicks with thongs as secret agents.
  • 1939 - Hitler announces a glorious 1000 year Reich free of saggy tits .
  • 1954 - The first Subway sandwich shop in Canada opens in Atlanta.
  • 1968 - She wore an itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny, yellow polka-dot bikini.
  • 1977 - Harry Potter discovers the Swedish mammoth tit ('Potterus gigantatittium).
  • 1981 - The animated rock video Heavy Metal is released. Holy shit!
  • 1990 - Canadian Uncyclopedian gets to second base; parents proud.
  • 1996 - Fox News opens its comment line but finds its core audience is unable to dial phones or remember strings of numbers.
  • 2003 - Pamela Anderson is the grand marshall in the Macy's National Cleavage Day Parade.
  • 2007 - Vention, The National Kiwanis Convention for the New England District, meets. Nine months later, every teenage girl in the New England district is still hung-over and going into labor.
  • 2008 - Chavette Katie Price reveals her supervillain identity Jordan, who then proceeds to inflate her breasts to engulf London, killing over 25,000.
  • 2045 - Feminists attempt to outlaw the production of low-cut shirts. They are then all killed by the mob of women running across town to buy the last few v-neck shirts made.

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You spent how much on balsa wood condoms?

March 31: Condom Appreciation Day

  • 4000 BCE - Babylonians create the first wooden condoms, resulting in much fewer unexpected pregnancies and many, many, many more splinter-related injuries.
  • 1865 - The modern condom is introduced, consisting of sheep stomach lining coated with sulfuric acid. It is quixotically not well received.
  • 1889 - The Eiffel Tower opens to the public. As the steel of the time is notoriously weak, workers rub Viagra into the metal to keep the tower erect.
  • 1917 - The U.S. purchases the Danish West Indies and renames it the Virgin Islands to attract sailors.
  • 1930 - The Motion Picture Production Code ("Hays Code") is created to stop immoral behavior from being shown on the screen, like dirty socks draped on a chair. Dirty sock fetishists would have to sneak across the borders for many years.
  • 1939 - With the invention of latex, the modern modern condom is introduced, single handedly ending the Great Depression.
  • 1958 - Condoms are mentioned on television for the first time in an episode of The Flintstones entitled Put It Back In.
  • 1970 - National No-Condom decade kicks off at Studio 69 in New York City.
  • 1986 - AIDS becomes all the rage. Condom sales increase tenfold.
  • 2009 - The Pope claims that condoms would increase the number of people with AIDS in sub-Saharan Africa, in a similar manner to how exercise is unhealthy and cheeseburgers eat people.
  • 2020 - Robotic condoms are invented.
  • 2030 - Robotic condoms, sick and tired of copulating with female genitals, turn gay.

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