September 17: Horny Toad and Human Day, Hypnotic Sex Change Day
- 2,000,000 BCE - A primate ancestor to humans steals the first peach, thus inventing the awkward mixing of horniness and disturbing violence.
- 1,000,000 BCE - First human discovers horniness.
- 1787 - Several horny old men sign the Constitution of the Untied Spades of Amerika.
- 1800 - Sigmund Freud hypnotizes Carl Jung into believing he is a French hooker. Unfortunately, she is an expensive one, and Sigmund Freud goes bankrupt.
- 1801 - Jung hypnotizes Freud into believing he is Marie Antoinette.
- 1802 - Sigmund Freud exacts his revenge by hypnotizing Carl Jung into thinking he is Princess Leia.
- 1803 - Jung hypnotizes Freud into believing he is a Swiss milkmaid who has married him. Nine months later, Freud inexplicably gives birth to a basketball.
- 1804 - Jung divorces Freud, and receives the entire estate in the settlement.
- 1900 - The world's 1 trillionth human orgasm (but only the 84,379th female orgasm) occurs in Plovdiv, Bulgaria.
- 1932 - New state
phallic symbols capitol buildings are dedicated in Nebraska, Louisiana.
- 1954 - The first drive-in gay porn theatre debuts in San Francisco; Joseph McCarthy hosts ribbon-cutting ceremony.
- 1975 - The world's tallest free-standing phallic symbol, the CN Tower, is completed in Toronto.
- 1993 - Debbie does Dallas, Ohio and New Orleans.
- 2005 - Research shows that Uncyclopedians are more virile than Wikipedians.
- 2006 - Osama bin Laden found in bed in a Motel 6 with a horny goat. The goat moves to Pakistan to escape the press, but bin Laden follows him.