Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:President Bush Finally Admits That Osama bin Laden Is His Imaginary Friend
UnNews:President Bush Finally Admits That Osama bin Laden Is His Imaginary Friend[edit]
This is an UnNews article about Bush's dirty little secret(s). If you wish to review it, please drink 5 gallons of water and pee all over it.
A.Z?123 16:06, 27 November 2008 (UTC)
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PrIP'd! Pee Review In Progress Checkit bitches, this review is as good as peed on. I'm marking my effing territory. Said article is being reviewed by: ~Minitrue Sir SysRq! Talk! Sex! =/ GUN • WotM • RotM • AotM • VFH • SK • PEEING • HP • BFF |
| Humour: | 2 | Okay, so I'm not sure just how long this review will be. I'll try to go as in depth as I can. With an UnNews article, pretty much all of your jokes are going to stem from your concept, so the humor section may not be as long as I would like it. The jokes you have in this article, however, are lacking severely; this is due to a weak concept. However, there are other weaknesses in your humor that are not a direct result of your concept.
Much of your humor seems rather immature for such a topic. When dealing with political stories, one usually tries to make their jokes sophisticated and newsy-sounding. Your connection between Obama and bin Laden (Obama bin Biden) was just...dumb. I hear it too much; it wasn't funny the first time I heard it, and it's not funny now. Jokes need to be original. A lot of your jokes follow this same theme, which makes for a generally cliched and very dumb sounding article. There's nothing new, nothing fresh. Plus, why would Obama be helping Bush with anything? And what the hell does Rapunzel have to do with this story? Your jokes need to be relevant, fresh, and funny. Take a good read-through of HTBFANJS. |
| Concept: | 3 | Alright, this is what's really suffering. We're at the end of the Bush administration (thank god). We're sick of Bush jokes. We know he's dumb, we know he's childish, we know we know we know. We're over it. This isn't a very good idea for an article. Granted, it could become a good article if you used some better writing techniques. However, I think this is generally a pretty poor concept due to a little thing called nobody cares.
Now then, how can we spin this one? I'll admit, this is a bit of a challenge. Perhaps if you went with the "misdirection" technique...imagine this: Bush tells us all that he's been yanking our chain not only on the bin Laden thing, but on 9/11 as well. Turns out that didn't happen. All of the people who "died" were just humoring the president, they're all at some resort and were going to be brought back at the end of his administration. The towers? They're back! Hooray, Bush! Go Bush! See, that would be funny because it's the exact opposite of reality. We know Bush is an idiot, we don't need to be told that. Instead, we need to be told that he is a miracle worker, the greatest president we have ever known, and also happens to be just a great guy. Why do people like The Colbert Report? Because Stephen says such crazy things that are the opposite of what we know to be true. He loves Bill O'Reilly, thinks Bush is a great president, and fears Muslims. This is called satire. You need to practice satire with your writing. You don't have to use this exact idea that I just gave you (although you may if you wish) but you just need to start thinking about writing articles differently. |
| Prose and formatting: | 2 | Your grammar is atrocious. The first thing that jumps out at me is "now more mature we shall see I hope". That's wordy, long, awkward...I just tripped while sitting down trying to read that thing. You have other sentences like this one that need serious love. I don't want to spend too much time on this, but you know what you need to fix here. |
| Images: | 5 | Normally, I would say that your images were fine. You've got one of bin Laden, one of a book. Wait a second, that's not bin Laden on that book cover! That's Saddam! What's he doing here? This isn't about him!
My point is, do a little research with your images. =] |
| Miscellaneous: | 3 | Averaged. Oh, and there's one other little issue I need to address.
Never advertise another article in your article, especially when the two are unrelated. I mean it. Last sentence. Gotta go. |
| Final Score: | 15 | Yeah, so this was kind of a harsh review. But I cannot in all good conscience allow this article to remain in its current state without some input. I hope you take some of my advice to heart and give this article a good scrubbin', and it wouldn't be a bad idea to read HTBFANJS before doing so. Please contact me on my talk page with any questions. |
| Reviewer: | sir sysrq @ 16:50 Dec 7
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