Uncyclopedia Addiction is a very real and rapidly-spreading disease. It can strike anyone at any time, anywhere. It cuts off the sufferer from loved ones, other interests, and even life itself. If left uncured, the victim wastes away, a shell of his or her former self. I have looked into the mirror and I have seen the face of Uncyclopedia Addiction. And I am here to tell you today, my friends, that it is not a pretty sight.
Steps of Addiction
All addicts go through more or less the same stages. There is some variation from individual to individual, but in the end, they all end up in the same dark place.
The First Kiss
With Uncyclopedia, the "first kiss" comes with the introduction to the Wiki. Perhaps it is made by a friend. Or just browsing the internet. But somehow, some way, the soon-to-be addict is confronted with the pure, unadulterated grip of Uncyclopedia. The ability to call up any subject and laugh out loud. The ability to drown one's sorrows with the power of pure comedy. In the end, the following cycle is as ugly as it is inevitable.
The soon-to-be addict might just dabble with Uncyclopedia at first. He or she is not a registered user at this point. There is no user name, no trace. Use is anonymous. Perhaps the user just browses random pages, or plucks UnNews from the headlines on the homepage. But there is no escape. From the first time the user clicks the "edit" tab on a page and feels the power, the control, surging through his or her fingertips, the game is over. The user is an addict.
Into the Maelstrom
The addict spends just a little time at first, a few minutes here, an hour there, editing existing pages as an unregistered user. But then the addict wants to add a picture. The addict wants to be recognized; to be a contender. The addict moves to the next level and registers with a user name and password. Now, the addict has a new identity, a new persona. The new identity begins to eat away at the person's old life, and the addict emerges into a world of intense internet intrigue. The addict begins creating new Uncyclopedia articles, and the person's fate is sealed.
The warning signs of addiction are innocuous at first, but are too dangerous to be ignored. They may include one or more of the following:
- Taking time from work to edit or create Uncyclopedia articles
- Showing Uncyclopedia articles to friends or family
- Ignoring cell phone calls to keep working on an Uncyclopedia article
- Not getting out of bed in the morning so you can begin working on Uncyclopedia on your laptop, lying down
- Hearing questions like, "Honey, when are your going to go outside?"
- Staying up past midnight to work on Uncyclopedia
Breaking Free of the Cycle
The steps to freedom are arduous, but they are the Uncyclopedia addict's only hope. To become free, the addict must do all of the following to break the cycle of addiction:
- The addict must commit to other activities that do not involve Uncyclopedia
- The addict must pay attention to family and friends, but in ways that do not involve Uncyclopedia
- The addict must... oh, fuck, who am I kidding. I don't know how to do it, and I don't want to!!!
Give me more Uncyclopedia!!! Now!!! More!!! I'll do anything. I'll fix broken links. I'll proofread pages. I'll create stubs. I'll spork from Wikipedia. Please, God, just let me keep going on Uncyclopedia! I'll do anything.