User:Matthlock/Be Matthlock

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“In my experiences, there are only three types of unrequited love. There's one where she doesn't know. There's another where she knows but she doesn't really care as long as you keep it in your pants. And for a third, there's one where she does know, she does care and she's secretly planning on using your shortcomings against you someday.”

~ Matthlock on love

So, you want to be Matthlock, eh? Well, who could blame you? Who wouldn't want to be an insensitive asshole oversexed pervert angry hypocrite awesome dude like Matthlock?

Step one: Find Matthlock

This might be easier said than done, as Matthlock doesn't openly say his address. However, Frosty might know where he lives, so ask him.

Step two: Vote yes on every article you see on VFH

It's a well-known that Matthlock says yes to every article, except for some odd reason, the Jewish article.

Step three: Listen to virtually every type of music

Matthlock really likes it when there's a jailbreak.

There are only four types of music Matthlock would never be caught dead listening to: Justin Bieber, Dubstep, Modern country music and The Eagles, if you can call that music. Period.

It's also a well-known fact that from birth until age fifteen, Matthlock was a huge fan of R.E.M., especially their Automatic for the People album.

Matthlock is also the only person who can listen to excess amounts of Joy Division without getting depressed.[1]

Step four: Talk obsessively about countries that nobody cares about

Who cares? Matthlock does.

Nobody knows why Matthlock is so uptight for the independence of Kosovo, not even Matthlock. Nor does anybody know why he obsessively brags about his Moldovan heritage.

Moldova, 1483, although only Matthlock[2] cares.

Step five: Make everything ambiguous

For example, nobody on Uncyclopedia knows if Matthlock was born in America, Canada, Moldova, Croatia, Wales, Scotland, Albania, Germany, Poland, Latvia, Georgia, Israel or some magical place where all of those places are one. You can ask Matthlock but don't always expect a clear answer.

Step six: Be overtly[3] complex

This is what Matthlock thinks of himself.

Matthlock is a mystery. He never really says his plans, where he's going or what his life really is. Truly, other people think he is awesome, good-spirited and hilarious. Matthlock thinks of himself as a freak. His teachers sort of look at him like the teacher's pet. However, probably to an outsider his life is 100% normal.

Whatever is, Matthlock truly is an enigma.

Step seven: Stalk hot girls

The darkest trait of Matthlock is that he has stalked several girls. In fact, rumor even has it that he has a restraining order from one girl. Matthlock thoroughly denies this; however, he always feels the need to stalk girls who'll never love him back. He also stalks girls he's never met before.

Step eight: Be an Anglophobe

Salute that fag flag? Matthlock will never.

It is a well-known fact that Matthlock utterly hates despises dislikes English people. He shall never salute the Union Jack even if the British chop his fingers off.

Step nine: Wear polo shirts

Matthlock has an obsession for this style of clothing. It is a mystery but about 80% of the shirts in his closet are polos. The remaining 6% of it is flannel, 10% is t-shirts for bands like Pink Floyd or Led Zeppelin or the Doors, 3.9% of them have some sort of funny saying on it and 0.1% of it is sweaters that he only wears at around December 15th or December 16th.

Step ten: Make witty sayings you can somehow claim as your own

Such as, "I like my ladies the way I like my steaks: rare and juicy, and occasionally with a side of A1 sauce."

Step eleven: Grow an unhealthy obsession with Final Fantasy I


Matthlock loves FF1. FACT! He loves Final Fantasy sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. He's spent more with Final Fantasy I than he has with his girlfriend. In fact, he even has a perverted novella on Final Fantasy in the works. You can even see that FF1 is like Matthlock's nicotine.[4]

“You are not afraid of me?? Then I am impressed!”

Step twelve: Write erotic novels that no one ever reads

It's true. Matthlock has a wealth of handwritten erotica at his place. However, none of them have came to light due to how embarrassed he is of them.[5]

Step thirteen: Don't be Matthlock

This is probably the most important step. Matthlock is too hard to put into a few words. His mind is a land of mystery. He's a complicated man and no one understands him but his woman.

See also


  1. Also, Matthlock is an Öysterhead, if he hasn't made that heartbreakingly obvious.
  2. And possibly Wikipedia
  3. Or is that overly?
  4. However, we will not say that because nicotine addiction is no laughing matter. In fact, nicotine is like a shark.
  5. Some of the over 194 erotic novels Matthlock has written include Fistings of Fury, Planet of the Rapes, Missionary Position Impossible, Beauty and the Beast With Two Backs, The Italian Blowjob and most embarrassingly of all Lapp Dances: 32 Tales of Finland.