User:One-eyed Jack

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Pee Reviewer of the Month Reviewer of the Month November 2007 Uncyclopedian of the Month Award Uncyclopedian of the Month March 2007 Writer of the Month Award Writer of the Month February 2007


This user has fixed that damn leaky oil filter on the Uncyclopedia Pinto, by doing more rewrites than any other user during Conservation Week 2007 B.

We don't have money, so we just gave them the Greasy Mechanic Award for their help. Get your own next time around and help fix up Uncyclopedia.

One-eyed Jack is naturally mad, but uses many kinds of psychologically damaging chemicals as well: he is a veritable Renaissance nutcase.

Er, me.

I am 27 years old, live in Sitka, Alaska, and work in a fish cannery like everyone else here.

No, that's all lies.

One-eyed Jack is the nom-de-keyboard of an Uncyclopedia bungler. He is insane. His ability to post on the Intarweb is severely limited because the orderlies seldom let him use the computer at the facility in which he is confined.

Lies. Damned lies.

No longer roaming the Earth in search of enlightenment and One Honest Woman, I took up residence in a cave on Mount Asshat. In fact, many consider me the very incarnation of an annoying, aggravating asshat.

Maybe. Maybe not.

I am 49 and reside in Gillespie Corners, Oregon. Under an old covered bridge. I suffer from ARFS and am shunned by mankind.

No, not quite right.

After attending the University of Nebraska at Miami, I spent several years in Mexico camping in the desert and waiting for the statute of limitations to run out. I am 33 years old. My favorite author is either V.S. Pritchett or Mavis Gallant, I can never choose. I build and play electric guitars. Currently I am working on my toe-picking style, a way of playing which leaves my hands free so I can accompany myself on bongos.

Now approaching my 60th birthday, I live quietly in a monastery in the Catskills. A Zen monastery. I am the only male. All the others are nuns. As you know, Zen nuns are not required to take a vow of chastity. Zut alors!

If you with to contract my privates contact me privately you can email . I will forward your email address to a network of Bulgarian spam artists if you are not nice, though.

The actual Porpoise of Life

Pages I especially admire

List of faux-creative crimes of which I stand accused (as instigator or accomplice)



Go here. Expect a bit of time loading if you are on dial-up.


Go here. Expect a bit of nausea if you are a poetry fan.

Personal Snadbocks:


Notes on articles

  • (§ indicates personal faves)
  • (¤ indicates craft-of-writing articles)

Original Articles

  1. 101 uses for a dead cat culture
  2. Anthracite science
  3. Amazon River geography
  4. Ampersand geography
  5. Amphioxus culture
  6. Arrant-gard culture
  7. Æthelred culture
  8. Bald Eagle culture
  9. Balearic Islands geography
  10. Basalt science
  11. Bezoar stones objects
  12. § Black Hole of Calcutta culture
  13. § Biggleswade F.C. culture (includes player interviews)
  14. Blues (music) culture
  15. Boiling Pitch Ocean geography
  16. Breasts of Steele culture
  17. Brie bomb science
  18. § Burundi geography
  19. Coming-of-age speech culture
  20. Columbia River geography
  21. Crawfish science culture
  22. David Icke biography (Others have carried this article into lands only dreamt of by me. Good on them!)
  23. DDDD culture
  24. Dusty Tickbush geography
  25. § Eric Idle biography
  26. Fer-de-lance science
  27. Fishing with Jim culture
  28. Ganges geography FEATURED ARTICLE
  29. George Bush: chronicle of greatness politics
  30. Giant ground sloth science
  31. Granite science
  32. Harridans history
  33. Heartbreak of Psoriasis culture
  34. Hyrax science
  35. I am turning Japanese culture
  36. I. Lewis Libby (politics
  37. §¤ Internet comedy: interview with Graham Chapman culture
  38. Jumping Jack Flash culture
  39. Jorge Luis Borges biography
  40. § Kaspar Hauser biography
  41. § Labrador retriever history
  42. Laura Ingalls Wilder biography
  43. LED science
  44. Liberal Agenda for America (dead-end garbage)
  45. § Limitations of Superpowers as Applies to God culture FEATURED ARTICLE
  46. Limón objects
  47. § Literary dedications culture FEATURED ARTICLE
  48. Lulu (singer) biography
  49. Marmalade culture
  50. Martian Ocean geography
  51. Marty Feldman biography
  52. Matsuo Bashō biography
  53. Meerkat NEEDS HELP
  54. § Metempsychosis science
  55. Mississippi River geography
  56. Monk seal science
  57. Mount of Venus science
  58. § Mr. Beluncle culture (With help on the ending from The Humbled Master) FEATURED ARTICLE
  59. Negative numbers science
  60. NeoContract with America politics
  61. § Neutron star science
  62. Nutria NEEDS HELP
  63. Operaton Enduring Truth politics
  64. § Owl of Thebes culture
  65. § Patrick Henry biography FEATURED ARTICLE
  66. Phlegmatic Ocean geography
  67. § Porpoise of Life biography
  68. § Pripyat River geography
  69. ¤ Prolixipaedia Manual of Comedic Writing
  70. Quartz science
  71. Reality check culture
  72. Reconstruction of Iraq politics
  73. Rotifer culture
  74. § Rudyard Kipling biography
  75. § Samuel Johnson biography User added the splendid exchange between Johnson and Wilde. I love the addition. Bless you,, whoever you are!
  76. Scott's last expedition history
  77. Search and Seizure politics
  78. § Seven ages of man culture
  79. Shamisen culture
  80. Sodium chloride science
  81. Something completely different
  82. Stem cells politics
  83. Tarantula science
  84. 'Til Eulenspiegel's merry pranks culture
  85. Turkey (animal) objects
  86. Turning point culture
  87. § UnContent culture
  88. Urinary NEEDS HELP
  89. Vespers culture
  90. Viaduct objects
  91. Walpurga (saint) culture
  92. Wandering faggot-bird science
  93. § Xanax science
  94. Xenharmony culture
  95. Xenopubes culture
  96. Yggdrasil culture
  97. § Zephyr culture

Stuff I Need To Work On

(Get your ass to work, OEJ! You lazy lump of sheep's dag.)

  1. Wallaby
  2. Walpurgisnacht
  3. A Plangent Wainscoting
  4. Gibeah

Stuff I Would Like To Help

  1. The A-Team with MC Hawking
  2. Rewrite of Marijuana
  3. User:One-eyed Jack/John Scherer rewrite in case the original article needs a change

Personal shit list

(Things I would put on VFD if it wasn't always maxed out)

Switch 1197am
Anti-Material Rifles
  • Chuck Norris references removed: 50 at least...I'm losing count.