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Do Not Continue Reading

That's me on the left. See? Right there.

Too late. Welcome to the dominion of UnTalented, the latest in the long, "noble" line of basement-dwelling losers to spout his nonsensical attempts at humor at all who will listen via the World Wide Web. Before I go any further, I want to make one thing perfectly, abundantly, unequivocally clear: I live up to my namesake. I am not a funny person. I simply cannot stress this point firmly enough. The things I say, do, and write generate nothing but groans of dissatisfaction and oodles and oodles of hate mail. If humor was the world, I would likely be a horrible car crash, or perhaps the rotting carcass of an anteater or a similar creature. You know, the sort of thing that every single aspect of your being, even that creepy morbid voice in your head that comes out from time to time (yes, we all know about it), tells you to look away from in disgust, but you look anyway, because it's just that awful.

But I Digress...

You'll have plenty of time to have your moods dampened by me when you read my works. And so, here it is: the Userpage that God himself forgot and/or abandoned. I asked him about it once, but he dropped a cartoon anvil on me from heaven. Take it from me: never pray while Charles in Charge is on.


To be blunt, I am a high school student who partakes in two kinds of activities throughout the course of any given day: school-related, and nothing. Intermittent eating and sleeping occurs, but it's all involuntary. However, every once in a while, I decide to put my wall-staring duties on hold, get up from my couch, walk the eight steps to my computer, and sit down again on my other, more computer-facing couch. By this time I am thoroughly exhausted and take a four-hour break (I know, I know. Eight steps!). Once I have recovered my energy, I proceed to turn on my computer, which is powered by a leprechaun running on a hamster wheel. Very cost effective. Anyway, I occasionally choose to come here and share my thoughts with the rest o' y'all, in the hope that maybe, just maybe, I can take away the smile of some hapless soul. Now, I know what none of you are thinking: "But UnTalented, what about your social life? Surely you must have an entourage of adoring fans waiting to be graced with one of your sharp, witty quips?" I do not have a "social" life in any sense of the phrase. Hell, I thought "friendship" was a brand of soup until about a year ago. I'd keep talking about it, but Seamus is starting to get tired, so I'll leave it at that.

You Dare Doubt My Power?

If anyone, through some freak misinterpretation of what I have written so far, has chuckled, grinned, or had a pleasant thought whilst reading this, I shall now rectify the situation by grinding your spirit into a fine powder, using said powder as flour to bake a cake, and selling the cake at a local bake sale. That'll taste awful. I hope you're happy; you've ruined some little kid's birthday with your bad spirit flour cake. Shame on you. And now...

Taste My Wrath!


See now? Didn't that just put a big, depressing frown on your face? I sure hope so; I lost a finger typing it, and reading it burns my eyes a seemingly unhealthy brown.

Non Sequiturs

  • Have you ever had that dream where you're the captain of a Revolutionary War-era frigate that's been boarded by an enemy brigantine, except the enemy captain is Cap'n Crunch and he keeps turning your weapons into piles of cereal until you shoot that demon telescope out of his hands, and then you have a sword fight? I sure haven't. That'd be stupid.
  • The United States didn't have a national anthem until Ripley's Believe It Or Not said we should. It's true, look it up.
  • Some people like to think that a stopped clock is still correct twice a day. I like to think that it is incorrect every other time of the day, and is therefore a worthless piece of garbage deserving of being sledge hammered to the fullest extent of the law.
  • Once I declared myself "King of the Skies," whatever that means.
  • "UnTalented" is not spelled the same forward and backward. Spooky, huh?
  • I have challenged The UnIdiot to a thousand-mile race across the sands of Arabia for some reason. On a completely unrelated note, if anyone has a spare caravan of camels and guides or several months worth of supplies and provisions that they don't particularly need, please send them to me. I need them for...a bass-fishing tournament.

Works in Progress

User:UnTalented/MySubPage-Yeah, yeah. I called this subpage MySubPage. I don't know exactly why, but I did, and that's that. It still has my draft for the cereal article in it, because I'm too lazy important to start another one.


I have not contributed anything yet. I have created this section so that people who just glance over my userpage will think—wait, what? I have contributed something?

UnNews:Liberal insurrection heroically crushed--FEATURED--My very first article, so it's allowed to suck. Apparently it doesn't, though. I wasted a huge opportunity there.

Why?:Buy a Cereal-o-Matic--ALSO FEATURED--My very first article after my very first article. See, the humor is that the Cereal-o-Matic actually isn't particularly handy in the task of preparing cereal, and may actually be a hindrance in that regard. It can be pretty difficult to pick up on this, however, as it's awfully convincing. I actually tried to order one myself, but then I remembered that it wasn't a real product for sale by anyone and that I had made it up a few seconds ago.


See my list of templates. Actually, you probably shouldn't. They're disease-causingly terrible.

Look How Cool I Am

My First Thankin'

I voted for my friend's article to be featured (which it was), and he regurgitated this at me. Huzzah.

Moonshine.PNG The Led Balloon has awarded you with a FREE* case of Honest Jim's patented Miracle Tonic.
*Not actually free. Side effects may include just about any horrible diseases we can come up with.

Feature Swankin'

That same friend nominated my first article for featuring, and with a final total of 18 Yeas to 0 Nays, it was put on the front page. Double Huzzah.

This second article of mine, which I wrote a long time ago but refused to "finish" for several months (i.e. my increasingly sedentary lifestyle made the effort of pressing the keys on my keyboard far too demanding for me to handle without suffering a heart attack), was at last nominated my two good friends who I totally talk to all the time and haven't completely forgotten the names of, those names UnImbecile and...The Tungsten Balloon. Double Double Huzzah.

Order Rankin'

Because I am the writer of a featured article, I was also promoted from the letter M to the letter C. Triple Huzzah.

Commander of the Order

I'm Drawin' a Blankin'?

I also have this thing, whatever it may be for:

Norwellgang.jpg This user is from Norwell, Massachusetts. In other words, they have an army of whores to vote for their articles!

“Ah, another recruit for my army of the undead.”

~ The Ghost Pirate Lechuck on this thing

See, I can also make references that a total of four other existing humans in the universe would understand, and one of them is my toaster. Double Triple Huzzah.

Huzzah count: 16