Vikings (explorers, warriors, merchants, and pirates) are known for raiding and colonizing wide areas of the (then) known world, raping and pillaging, building boats with dragon's heads, raping(sometimes) and pillaging, setting things on fire, composing epic sagas (particularly about their love of SPAM), pillaging and raping, making awesome swords, killing clergy, making awesome axes, and raping and pillaging, and speaking with funny accents like their Scandinavian descendants ("Yumpin' yimminy! Vee haf come to pillage your village!").
The word "viking" is derived from the Old Norse verb "tö 'víke'" or "tö víkingr" which means "för dahl píl-laj ðndv plundør," colloquially known as "to rape and pillage."
Vikings and other groups
Vikings have a long and storied history of moderate relations with other groups, including ninjas, knights, and pirates. Unlike the normal hatred vikings express with axes, fire and sarcastic-disdain towards the rest of humanity, there is little hostility shown between Vikings and these other similar groups. Often times members of these sub-classes often share resources in the same regional areas dominated by local unions where allowed.
Although the Great Pirate-Ninja War did do lasting damage to Viking-Ninja relations, many are able to cohabitate peacefully in campgrounds and youth hostels today with out the wailing and gnashing of teeth previously found common. Vikings have an especially good relationship with pirates, as long as neither group encroaches on the other's nautical territory. In the case of this, one group would usually try to plunder treasure from the others' ship, then things really get messy. Vikings usually encounter knights when pillaging a village. The two would then engage in a fierce battle, in which both may be evenly-matched because of their armour, shields, and/or battle axes. Vikings and knights also share a rivalry with the common fire-breathing dragon, an ancestor of the Komodo dragon.
Vikings are beefcakes, truly the lumberjacks of the sea. They are born fully mature and ready to do battle. The beard, while appearing to be normal human hair (but more luxurious and prone to making all women prone) is actually an extension of the face that can sense where there are monasteries to be pillaged, or rape to be had. This is often known as a Viking's "Beard Sense." The facial hair of a Viking can serve as a highly dexterous third limb, comparable to how an elephant uses its trunk. But because of interbreeding (inter-raping), few Vikings remain with full access to their beard sense. Some Vikings in fact travel in disguise, clean-shaven; this is nigh impossible for a full Vikings to accomplish as the beard returns within a few minutes of being cleaved.
Viking superiority is slightly offset by their lack of women. As such, Vikings rape to reproduce, creating no true Vikings. Every modern Viking is a crossbreed between a purer Viking and a rape victim. Happily, most of the population has a bit of Viking blood in it taken-in when their ancestors corpses were revived by spilled Viking blood. This intermingling of the species keeps Vikings strong. This also results in some wacky family reunions. Never attend a Viking family reunion without a beard, for obvious reasons.
A stereotype is that Vikings go into a berserk fury. In fact, they are always in a berserk fury. Viking sightings are rare because observers are often killed, raped, or both (in either order or sometimes simultaneously).
Some consider Vikings to be a combination of some of the most awesome stereotype bad-asses to ever walk (or sail) the planet. This is true as they are unlogically greater than the sum of the whole. Vikings, unlike Pirates and Ninjas, are at the top of any food chain. Ninjas (stereotypically) merely killed sleepy people and women. Pirates simply sailed around a lot and buried treasure on remote islands. Vikings killed men, dogs, dogmen, postal workers, postal working dogmen, and just about anything that couldn't be raped (see above). Vikings sailed around and attacked everything that moved; effectively wiping out the sea monster and dragon population in short order.
Vikings can never die naturally (except through laughter upon seeing a non-Viking sing and dance), and must be be killed in combat. Ninjas are unable to do so; in fact, the only thing powerful enough to kill a Viking is an even bigger Viking. The most famous cases of this in history are:
- Battle of Hastings, 1066: Saxon Vikings got their pussy asses kicked by the Norman Vikings.
- The Viking Invasion(s) of England, 800's: Saxon Vikings kicked the Norse Vikings' asses, then got their asses kicked in what could only be described as a Vikings' version of a consensual orgy.
- Russia, 1600's: Russia suffering from constant Viking raids were constantly raped, pillaged, burned and killed. To defend themselves, Russians did the only thing they could, they hired Viking bigman Rorik the Rus.
- Viking's have also shown their superiority by arriving at the moon before the Americans. Modest in this area, Vikings allow false credit to remain in the public view knowing they can rape it back whenever they want.
In every other known battle Vikings have either killed everyone, or subjugated non-Vikings to menial sub-plunderwork.
Raping and pillaging
"Raping and pillaging" is a common but simplistic representation of the subtle and sophisticated battle tactics of the Viking assault. In fact, the assault consists of the following four phases:
- 1.) Killing: Kill everything which cannot be either pillaged or raped.
- 2.) Pillaging: Pillage everything which cannot be raped.
- 3.) Burninating: Set shit on fire and sail off (taking the better-looking women along with them).
- 4.) Raping: Quick rape everything which cannot be drank. (you always rape after burninating because rape is so much more romantic by firelight)
As we can see, the elaborate and highly refined Viking strategy consists of "killing-pillaging-raping-burning", not just "raping and pillaging". Furthermore pillaging in fact comes before raping. The order of these steps is vitally important (after all if one first burns the village then there is nothing left to kill, pillage or rape).
An early variant of this theory, the "Hack-Hack, Stab-Stab, Molest-Molest, Burn-Burn (Always Burn Last!)", was pioneered by great thinker Michael McAvoy of the Svéndíc County Public School system. While first applied to the tactics of barbarian hoards, we can see how it evolved into the "killing-pillaging-raping-burning" model now popular at the collegiate level.
Vikings are formidable at violence and pretty much invincible when on a sexing spree. Even when not sexing, however, Vikings are still pretty much almost invincible.
If you encounter a Viking from the wrong end of a longboat, don't run; this only angers the Viking and encourages the killing/pillaging instinct. Instead, insert a pink cork into the anus (and into the vagina if applicable). This prevents non-mouth rape, as Vikings cannot touch pink. Vikings had their choice of the hot babes for 500 years. That explains why Scandinavian women are all such hotties today.
There is, of course, more to the Vikings than raping and pillaging. They were traders and famed explorers. The Vikings discovered and settled Iceland, Greenland, Newfoundland, and (using the Viking I and Viking II probes) Mars. However, the Vikings soon left Mars, because there was an abundance of Mormons. The vikings also traded goods throughout the North Sea and North Atlantic, as far away as the Byzantine Empire, Soviet Russia, and the Beyond part of Bed Bath and Beyond, although this is more familiarly referred to as Holmgard and Beyond.
Wearing horned helmets and carrying battle-axes naturally gave the Vikings a sizable psychological advantage while negotiating prices for their wares: when a thundering Norseman carrying a broadsword says that you're getting a good price, his customers tend to agree. Thus, even while these expeditions did not result in raping and pillaging, the customers of Viking merchants often went away feeling like they had been raped and their wallets pillaged.
It has long been known that the Vikings were copious poets, as fragments of Viking poetry have be identified at almost every site of pillaging and wanton destruction in Europe. However, the meaning of the Viking runes remained largely a mystery until 2002, when a 9th-century ransom demand was found in the village of Cåtvømit with parallel text in runic and l33t-speak. The runic code was finally cracked. This led to many early 21st century translations of Viking poetry appearing in second-rate journals and walls of university toilet cubicles throughout the English-speaking world. Here is an example:
- The war cry of Beothump.
- I am Beothump.
- I wear a pointy helmet.
- I kill, rape and pillage.
- If I fight bravely I can marry the daughter of Hrop-thwap.
- Hrop-thwap is a valiant hero.
- He can kill fifty without a sword.
- He can reap without a sickle.
- He can assemble a flat-pack wardrobe without an Allen key.
While Vikings invented the spoken word and the original alphabet, they had little to do with the creation of numbers. Granted, the Vikings claim to have been counting long before the numbers were devised, if only to keep track of pillages, rapings and burnings. Vikings paradoxically invented the Dewey Decimal System (along with box-spring mattresses and the Pet Rock). These are considered to be some of the greatest unlikely accomplishments in the history of all Vikingry.
However, the Vikings did invent the Internet. When Christopher Columbus came to the Americas in his later years, he barely escaped this most lethal Viking weapon of all. With the Internet, Vikings can command Viking satellites in the upper atmosphere to pillage a designated spot from far above the earth. (Unfortunately, raping still cannot be done through such remote telemetry.) Vikings can also call in reinforcements and convince entire national economies to crash by claiming that the enemy is having a pizza party on the Internet.
Vikings are the most metal beings on Earth (more so even than pirates or lumberjacks), surpassed in the whole universe only by...wait, nothing surpasses Vikings. Bathory, Amon Amarth, Dimmu Borgir, and music by Richard Wagner are classic examples. Viking Metal was the forerunner of modern black metal. Vikings love Metal as much as they love raping and plundering. They commit sacrifices to the Gods of Metal every day, and all follow the rules of the Gods of Metal. In fact, those utterly horrible screams the Vikings do when they are plundering and/or raping are Viking Metal lyrics. Famous Viking Metal bands include Vikingarna (Viking Kings), DDE (Devil's Death Ensemble; originally Kill-Pillage-Rape-Burn) and Sputnik (the Norse mythological equivalent of Shiva the Destroyer).
Vikings are also pioneers of death metal. Early gory death metal lyrics are actually old folk songs Vikings used to sing as they attacked villages and monasteries, and early death metal artists were actually young Vikings in disguise. Any Viking who dislikes the Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin is castrated.
Not all Viking music is metal. Vikings sing Wagnerian opera songs during sex, to mix two of the best things in life. The great skalds ABBA are also popular among the Vikings. One of the greatest Viking raiding songs is Dancing Queen. The lyrics of this song describe the abduction of Queen Alfleda of the Anglo-Saxons and her fate.
Centuries before the establishment of the WWE and other wrestling promotions, Vikings had developed their own form of wrestling entertainment as a form of celebrating a Viking boy's newfound manhood. Two large horns growing out of the top of a Viking boy's head served as the primary indicator that he had crossed the threshold of manhood. A drawn out commemoration would follow and entailed having the man-boy Viking strip naked and grease himself with pork fat and wrestle his peers in a rectangular pit of mud as perverted onlookers incessantly watched. The event also served as a cheap alternative form of entertainment to the usual raping and pillaging of enemy villages. Largely due in part to the Vikings' pedophilic nature and barbaric lust for brutality, today the sport has evolved into the primitive form of barbaric wrestling entertainment filled with testosterone aggression, fake predetermined match outcomes, ludicrous story arcs, skimpy sluts, obnoxious fans, and sweaty tights-wearing man-on-man action that many nations have come to despise.
Some vikings were farmers, tradespeople, and artists.. But most were nothing but outrageously powerful and fearless warriors who didn't take crap from anybody. They killed, raped, pillaged, and did whatever the crap they wanted, and no, they did not defend the weak, only weak people defend the weak, even though Marvel Comics would have you believe otherwise.
Vikings still exist to this day, scattered across the Nordic countries. Names worth mentioning are:
- Torkil "Bjørnebitar" the Stout
- Johan "Vargskjegg" the Fierce
- Lars "Mjølnerneve" the Great.
- Harald Horse-Cock.
These Viking greats are all living in Trondheim, Norway. By far the most famous Viking is Jordan Maxon. He is an ex-football god and dick enthusiast. Some believe that Noel Coward is also a viking, but really that is the Norwegians trying to seem cool. Many say the end of the "Viking age" took place with the arrival of Christianity into Scandinavia and the surrounding areas, but scholars say Christianity most likely didn't finish them off. Many Vikings have become citizens of Europe and have staked out enclaves in Disneyland. Well traveled, the Vikings assimilated into the new cultures, abandoning many of their own practices. Many today forgo rape for the enjoyment of professional sports and plunder instead of pillage.
Vikings in Australia
The Vikings were famed for their longships which traveled to far off and distant lands. You can't get any more far off than Australia and only the best ships got that far. The Vikings started sailing to Australia via Rio, then around Cape Horn (named after Erik the Red's hat) and finally crossing the Pacific. Once in Australia they would not only rape and pillage as usual, but drink lots of beer like the locals. The beer in Australia was better than the beer in Greenland, their other holiday playground. They also found other things which were better in Australia than Greenland like the weather, the women and even daytime TV. Pretty soon word spread and more and more Vikings were sailing all the way to Australia. This was not without danger and they would sometimes plunder so much beer that their ships wouldn't make it back home.
- The Syntax of Old Norse By Jan Terje Faarlund; p 25 ISBN 0-19-927110-0; The Principles of English Etymology By Walter W. Skeat, published in 1892, defined Viking: better Wiking, Icel. Viking-r, O. Icel. *Viking-r, a creek-dweller; from Icel. vik, O. Icel. *wik, a creek, bay, with suffix -uig-r, belonging to Principles of English Etymology By Walter W. Skeat; Clarendon press; Page 479
- See Grue for similar comparison.
- National Geographic — Vikings' Barbaric Bad Rap is Bullshit
- Modern Viking longships