Virus (biology)

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For the Viruses that can cause your computer to go achoo achoo, see Virus (computer)

A typical virus

A virus is a type of Pokémon that has DNA, RNA or XNA, and is able to penetrate the body of an organism, corrupt its cells and multiply, causing the poor victim to wait in a public hospital until they turn into a zombie.

They can infect anything, like you, beer cans, plants and even aliens. It is the smallest living being and the one that kills the most in the shortest time, about 867,986,975 every millisecond. Though, a lot of unemployed scientists are said to have been arguing for zillions of years discussing whether they are living beings or not.

Background[edit]

Viruses rapidly mutate and then perform very silly songs.

The word virus comes from the Latin "virus", which means "toxin" or "poison", but what do the Romans know anyway? Although ending with the letter S, grammatically speaking the word is not plural. Similarly, the Russian government hasn't been plural since May 7th, 2000.

For millennia, viruses have been mistaken for the devil, extraterrestrials and bacteria. This was until after years of Google searches, it was discovered that they are just creatures that were invoked in a Yu-Gi-Oh ritual performed by a bunch of possessed elves and some Oompa Loompas in the year 10,000 B.C.

Viruses spread rapidly around the world thanks to globalization, and every month a new virus emerges because of pharmaceutical laboratories, which by creating a vaccine against a virus, create other viruses to be able to create more vaccines, otherwise they would have to become yet another painkiller factory.

Appearance[edit]

Viruses are tasty DNA fragment covered with a crunchy protein coating. Viruses are so tiny that they are even harder to see when viewed through a telescope. They are malignant entities that are made up of several things. Its composition features the cap, protein, nucleus and lipids.

As soon as a virus enters a cell, it turns it into its own, and puts it to work for itself. It makes it do crazy things, such as, imagine a vegetable factory (they're real) making sweets, or even crazier, an M&M's factory making cars. That's what a virus does in cells... cars and sweets.

Virus Types[edit]

A sufferer of the TV-virus.

This is a list of known viruses:

  • Anger: Very common in many parts of the world, can lead to death.
  • Flu: A virus created by animals about to be eaten, such as chickens, pigs, cows and gays.
  • Yellow fever: Transmitted by mosquitos, causes headache, body pain, eye pain, foot pain, fingertip pain, tummy ache, elbow pain, skeletal pain and fatigue. Can also be used to describe Fox News Chinese coverage of the coronavirus.
  • Green and yellow fever: Very rare and uncurable, makes the victim look similar to the national flag of Brazil, can cause severe burns.
  • T-virus: Its origin is Raccoon City, can turn the victim into a zombie willing to eat everyone.
  • TV-virus: A variation of the T-virus that makes the infected watch TV until it becomes a zombie.
  • Fisheye: This virus attacks the sixth chakra, igniting the third eye, which exudes a characteristic odor from the bathrooms of Atlantis.
  • Cat's eye: Anomaly on chromosome 22, provides night vision, but also provides the compulsion to lick the whole body, eat rats and meowing when someone with fisheye is nearby.
  • Owl's eye: Common among byakugan possessors, it leaves the eyes whitish and wide, making it difficult to sleep, since even in the dark you will continue to see everything.
  • Mutant: Makes the victim part of the X Men.

Treatment[edit]

Treatment without a vaccine.

The best form of defense that humans have developed against viruses is the vaccine (and probiotic yoghurts that could be bought in supermarkets) that are usually applied by injection. It is ironic, since some viruses are also transmitted by injections. False clinical research prepared by some charlatans claims that packs of white marbles called "tablets" are enough to fight the virus, but everyone knows that these are taken only by drug addicts.

Viruses have the peculiarity of not being able to be cured, that is, once a virus enters an organism it is like government corruption, it is easier to learn to live with it rather than to finish it. This happens both in computers and in humans.

Conspiracy Theories[edit]

There are conspiracy theories made by pseudo-scientists, and computer programs like Agent Smith from the "Matrix", which claim that the human species can be considered as a virus that infects the earth by destroying it and polluting other planets (Hence the plot of the films "Species" and "Matrix", in which Sil (played by Natasha Henstridge) is the vaccine (whatever that means), and in which Smith tortures Morpheus telling him that Humanity is a virus).

See Also[edit]

242 Day.jpg Divine Retribution
Smite | Damnation | Flagellation | Flood | Death of Your First Born | Frogs | Pestilence
Fire and Brimstone | Famine | Cancer | Papercuts of Doom | Damaged goods | Reaganomics
Spontaneous Combustion | Decapitation Disease | Brainsplurge | Marriage | Melenoma | Pedicornwallification
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