“I love to eat voffles on my wessel.”
Invented by a group of scientists (one of them was Johnny Waffle) and Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi working for the Belgium secret police in 1897, the waffle was designed to serve as an alternative to the pancake, an old standard in European and American breakfast cuisine. After years of attempting to beat the pancake (which we know now is physically impossible), one scientist stepped on a pancake by accident. The imprint his boot left made the basis for the waffle's shape, and the dirt from the boot inspired the taste. Unfortunately, most Belgians can't seem to get over their invention, so let's make it clear: Belgium, thanks for the waffles. Unfortunately, consumption may lead to The 'Beetus.
Role as a God
Waffles are a pancake's god. Pancakes offer the waffles prayers, and waffles become more powerful and delicious. Pancakes don't live forever, joylessly enough, for they get eaten by moustaches while waffles get eaten by bipedals after being in the waffle iron and sun tanning.
Distinguishing Features of the Waffle
- There is, in fact, a British waffle that is very unlike its American uncle; these, in fact, are cooked in a proper oven. These far outweigh the syrup holding waffles as they have holes the whole way through and are square. They just generally taste better than chips in a grid shape.
- Unlike its cousin the pancake (or griddle cake and flapjack), the waffle is engraved with an intricate pattern of tiny square cups, so as to hold syrup with maximum efficiency, or to hold ice cubes with a lesser efficiency. In order to attain this grid-like texture, a waffle must be baked in a special double-surfaced pan called a waffle iron. Mmm, waffles.
An affectionate yet insulting term used in reference to one who is behaving in a ridiculous, frivolous or irregular manner. Derived from the thick, viscous waffle batter representative of the viscosity of the subject's brain matter and the squares marking the subjects multiple severe head injuries. If someone was to break her arms and legs attempting to make a waffle, her friends would refer to her as a "wafflepot."
One can also be referred to as a waffle pot if one talks about a singular, mostly trivial subject for more than the needed time, which is generally not very long. For example, if person X were to hold a discussion group on the making of minestrone soup, from a can, on the hob, when really all that was needed was a simple sentence, such as - "I made soup."
Origin of the Waffle
Unknown to most of the world, waffles come from a meteorite which streaks across the sky every time the moon and some guy's left knuckle align (as long as he has a papercut on his scrotum), causing the tides to screw up and pets to vomit in terror. This phenomena is known as the Phukleter Equinox, named after the man who discovered it, Professor Uvan J. Phukleter. How it does such a feat baffles the scientific world, and remains a mystery to this day. The meteors created by this strange occurrence are made completely out of waffle and tend to land in the Mountains of Mordor, therefore they must be recovered by a team of trans-dimensional wizards who cross the boundaries of space and time to give us this delicious food.
Waffles came to power in a mutiny among breakfast foods which caused waffles to replace pancakes as the Supreme Ruler and Overlord of All That Is Breakfast Related. But the waffle did not stop there. With every bite of waffle across the world, the waffle is slowly poisoning the minds of our nations, due to the popular ingredient Plutonium, which eventually will cause a new generation of supermutants, and as a result, Smallville will go on for several more seasons.
The promises made by the waffle party have yet to be fulfilled. Rumors circulate that the French Toast Party is formulating a comeback. There has recently been a dispute over the syrup imported from Canada (land of all that is syrupy and good), and the Waffle Party is attempting to stop all use of foreign syrup, yet others wish to go to war over this sticky, syrupy dispute.
The Waffle-Pancake War
The Waffle-Pancake War actually was started as a result of the recently ended Pancake-Flapjack war, when the waffles insulted both sides. Little do they know, Griddlecakes are planning their revenge.
At the start of 2010, the great waffle army unleashed there newly resurrected ROFLWAFFLES on the iHops of the world. Although there were over 100,000 civilian deaths with fat people exploding like frag grenades, and only the pancake loving General Betrayusall got injured, millions of pancake arsenal got destroyed. The waffle and flapjack armies are now negotiating an alliance.
Use as a Currency
In Canada, waffles are used as a monetary system in which the government supplies their banks with fresh waffles every week, thus eliminating the possibility of waffles going stale. These waffles are then given to fat kids who eat the stale ones to eliminate inflation. Then, making sure not to damage the waffles, helicopters by the Ethiopian military airlift them, to be given to ninjas, the majority of the population, as a method of payment, until whatever is left trickles down to the lowest class, i.e. anyone who is not a ninja. These waffles can be spent, or eaten, and back themselves to avoid anyone creating a monopoly on them. It is also illegal to forge waffles, as they are a national currency.