Why?:Won't that damn CD player play my vinyls?
Ah, another spiffing day. Work was even cosier than usual for me, the bank account has swelled to frankly astonishing levels, and those annoying aliens that were spying on me from the dustbin seem to have disappeared. Now that I'm home, let's catch up on some of that juicy latest gossip from those things calling themselves "news"papers. As if! What's this? Some obscure actress' daughter has got herself arrested for drug abuse? How insignificant. I must say, this is an awfully droll read today.
I know. How about some music to lighten the atmosphere? I have those awfully good 50's jazz pieces that I just bought off eBay for eleventy pounds and a large pot of shillings each. I won't be missing that money though, the way these stocks are going. Ah, here we are, now to just place this record into this new-fangled CD-a-ma-tron thingy...yes, I believe that's the way it opens.
Oh. Hang on a second. It's not going in.
Come on, I want to listen to these classics! Stupid machine! I know I wanted some jamming, but not this kind of jamming!
That's it, I officially want to know: WHY WON'T THAT DAMN CD PLAYER PLAY MY VINYL RECORDS?
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
Who'd have thought that, in this "information age", that playing a God-darn piece of music would be so difficult? I mean, by now I could have got to the graveyard, resurrected the bands I wanted to listen to, and got them their instruments. Probably be less hassle, too.
As well as not working, it's making this rather sharp sticking noise as well. Maybe something's wrong with it? It's only a minor annoyance, though, and it won't stop me trying to force this damn door shut. Sure, the record is bigger than the player, but such a minor quibble won't stop me listening to those brilliant tracks, I swear on my deal with the Devil!
It's not as if this hasn't been done before either. Vinyls have been played on records for years, of course. What's all this about gramophones? I don't care! I've got this fancy-pants new CD autochanger player gadget, and I'm going to make it work, whatever the cost! As long as that cost isn't money, of course.
It seems like music's purpose in life is to annoy me. And I thought I'd dodged all that, what with me chucking money at every anti-stress measure in existence, and some that aren't. I wish I had that money right now.
I though these new gubbins were meant to have backwards-compatibility? It's certainly backwards at any rate. It can't be this hard to play some music, dagnabbit! I mean, even me on the harpsichord sounds better than the noise the stupid thing's currently making. And I don't even know what a harpsicord is.
Not that it matters anyway. No-one will ever hear that anyway (I hope), but I will hear my jazz vinyls, or else! This is the Government's fault too! I know they have absolutely nothing to do with this, but I've ran out of people to blame right now, and I blame them for stuff every day anyway, it's my nature! How dare they oversee a country where I can't play vinyls whenever I want! I proclaim a mutiny!
I hate you with intense, burning passion!
Seriously. There's nobody I like right now. This CD player seems to embody everyone I have ever heard of. It can blast right off if it can't play my vinyls. Hell, I paid more for the vinyls than I did for this piece of techno-trash – it's like every piece of garbage you've ever thrown away. Just with added caramel.
If I could fudge as well as this is doing right now, well, let's say my life would be better than it is right now. Not that that matters. Can you kill machines? What with their lack of soul? Yes, I'm a hippy, let's just move straight past that and onto the more important subject of PLAYING MY DAMN MUSIC!
Well, I guess I'm no longer bored anymore. But thanks to this idiotic CD "player" (I guess "silencer" would be more appropriate right now, and its typically just as my Luger really needs one), frustration and anger has replaced said boredom. I hadn't felt frustration in 20 years. 20! And now I have to reset my timer just because of a stupid music medium. I'm never going to win that office pool now...assuming they ever find out. Yes! Of course! That's the perfect solution! I'll just go and get it, this shouldn't be difficult at all!
Now you will die, machine!
Yup, you see this other shiny metal object I have here? Of course, you don't know what it is, you're a stupid machine. It's a rocket launcher, and it has the ability to destroy anything up to a small communist country. And before you respond, that includes annoying music players. Oh, wait, you couldn't respond anyway, because YOU WON'T SHOOT'N' PLAY!
You see this on top? It's a super-zooming CRPZM zoominator, and it's pointing straight at you. You have ten seconds to play my God damn vinyl record, or you go up in flames like the torched car you are. No, don't give me that whining sound, you WILL accept my vinyl record! Four...three...two...one...alright, I have nothing else to say to you. Goodbye, you confounded contraption.