Wicca
It's funny 'cuz it's true.
Wicca is a religion and attention-getting device which involves the worship two deities (to the power of 3): the Goddess Mother Earth or some other goddess (preferably not of the Celtic tradition Wicca claims to embody) and the Horny God (due to his depiction with a HUGE phallus). Wicca is an ancient religion with roots going all the way back to the 1950's.
Wicca: A Cry For Help If Ever There Was One
History
Wicca is the largest of the Neopagan religions, and also has the largest followers out of all religions worldwide (going on the last census which measured waist circumferences). Their main rule of behavior is the "Wiccan Rede" which forbids them from harming people, including themselves, except in some cases of self-defense, such as their mom coming in and complaining about their music and weed, or dumping laundry on their altar.
Most are solitary practitioners because not even other Wiccans want to associate with Wiccans. Part of becoming Wiccanised, means dedication to developing a highly tuned "victim complex" where you fear the world is out to get you and that Christians are oath-bound to burn you at the stake upon discovering you! Most of society would call this Paranoid Schizophrenia but Wicca book-writers (the lesser form of author) insist upon referring to it as "the very real possibility of a second Burning Times". Others form small groups of believers, called covens, whore houses or brothels. Because of centuries of religious propaganda and misinformation dating way back to 1954 A.D., many Christians, and others, associate Wiccans with Satanists. Wiccans can't seem to shift this mistaken belief when all they really do is hug trees, worship the Horny God and sacrifice cats and burn odd-smelling substances. They claim that although they worship Satan, they don't actually believe in it, so they can't be Satanists.
A recent discovery unearthed neanderthal cave yielded the discovery of graves in which the deceased were buried with their seven season collection of Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs, indicating they were real Wiccans.
A Censored Religion
The religion of Wicca is not accepted or tolerated in the United States of America at all, which is why there are more Wiccans here than anywhere else on the whole damn planet. As long as Wiccans have been around, there has been persecution of them - Wiccans even in todays world have a highly tuned persecution complex. This means - If you beat up a fat jerk in school because he's a fat jerk, chances are it was a Wiccan who can now say he/she was "persecuted for his beliefs" even though you had no idea. Then he/she can have the evil ACLU sue the school and stick it to the taxpayers.
In order to bring public attention to this growing problem, Wiccans released a propagandist documentary called Practical Magic staring Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman which showed how real witches live, Harm None and are victims of stereotyping even from childhood.
In 1972, Wiccan insurgents from Amazonia infiltrated Britain and released a manifesto (and call to arms) in the guise of a children's book called "Richard Posner and the Philanthropist Gnome". The book was later released in the United States, but "Philanthropist" was not considered phonetic enough to serve the Wiccan agenda, and so the word in the title was replaced with "Sore-headed". This all made a good deal of sense to the Wiccans, but normal Amerikans were thrown into a morally-induced fit of moral rage. As a result, Congress passed a new law that banned the book. In response Wiccans cast many spells against the president, but since Mercury was in retrograde motion and the moon was void of course, the spells were even less effective than a single average good old-fashioned faith prayer. Frustrated, a group of Wiccans gathered at the Capitol for a mass mooning in political protest. Another book soon followed, created by the government, called Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit.
Contributions to Society
Wiccans are known for their expert arts-and-craftsmanship (or to be Politically Correct, "craftsubhumanship"). Wiccans have invented such ingenious and useful things as Wicca Baskets, Wiccarbockers, "dreamcatchers" made from Popsicle sticks and yarn, and Wiccapedia. One must beware when using these things, however, because ancient Wiccan curses dictate that those who fall under the Wiccan spell will begin to insert the arguably catchy word "wicca" in every appropriate (and many an inappropriate) place, wicca wicca wicca wicca.
Wiccans are thought to have invented the Personal Computer Superfluous Devices, or PCSD, though Wiccans are largely illiterate there are no actual historical records to confirm this (since they couldn't read and write, duh). These devices include lighted LED fans, cold cathode light tubes, and plexiglass cases. Their contribution to personal computing has been summed by one scholar on the subject as "bloody stupid". They also may have invented internet porn, judging by the amount of hair on their palms.
The TV series "Charmed" is said to have been a Wiccan plot to take over the US government. This attempt failed due to many people, Wiccans included, getting distracted by the vast quantities of cleavage on display. Wiccans found such cleavage useful in their "magickal masturbation rituals" or as non-Wiccans call it, just jacking off. However, their plans for world domination have not stopped and through their movie production company they released the box office hit Twilight (2008 film) which, when played in reverse contains an incantation for their mind control spellworking.
The Burning Times
The Burning Times is a period when 75 Billion Zillion Wiccans were killed everyday by the evil "Xtains" for 3 million years, and are still killing them even now. In Salem, 100 gazillion Wiccans were killed. Even though modern research has shown only 50,000 people were killed in a 500 year period that ended by 18th century, and that none of them could have possibly been Wiccans since it was invented in 1954, THAT'S NOT THE POINT. The point is you have to have a reason to demonize Xtians, because they were mean to me in Junior High and my mom and dad wouldn't let me have a Marilyn Manson CD. Anyone who questions The Burning Times is a narrow minded bigot guilty of history revision (except for Wicca historian Ronald Hutton, pbuh, who I pretended to read, but the words were too big and Charmed was on).
Modern scientists have theorized that Wiccans could be burned to create a new, renewable, clean burning energy fuel source due to the high concentration of fat cells and lack of grey matter, but unfortunately, this would be considered "murder" by most modern definitions of the term. Talks are ongoing to pass a law that would bypass this, for the good of humanity. Please write your congressman.
Beliefs
You too can become Wiccan in a few simple steps!
The Ultimate Guide to Choosing the Path of the Wise Wiccan One's is also now available but keep reading below for a brief explanation.
Basically all you have to do to become a Wiccan is simply say you're a Wiccan loudly and often. However, to further wedge yourself into the religion, you can also do the following:
The Top 10 Must-do's:
- Hate Christians (or as you should now start calling them "Xtians"). In fact you should have a general hatred for anything with the word Christ in it, including: Christmas, anyone named Christine ("Xine" being the Wiccan word for Christine, so to speak) and the word richest because it's too damn close to being an anagram of Christ.
- Constantly bitch about how much you're persecuted...even though you live in a country where your religion thrives.
- Gain about 80 lbs. (This is the easy part, just treat your "Inner Goddess" to anything she wants to eat. Whenever she wants.)
- Watch a movie called "The Craft" which is a documentary on real-life Wiccans and what they can do. Really.
- Prance around your front garden in nothing but a cloak and pointy hat. When people complain simply tell them that you are a proud pagan and only practicing your freedom of religion - then break into a long-winded rant about the burning times. of course, chances are the glare off your pale white skin will blind your neighbors who'll be forced to retreat.
- Tell everyone you meet you're a witch...a word which has a negative connotation in every language on earth...then act hurt when they treat you like a nutcase.
- Burn a pentacle in your neighbor’s lawn, and sacrifice their dog/cat/fish/child/flower to the gods. Then jump around and chant magic words. Cut your arm open and bleed all over the ground. The gods will love you forever. Your neighbor, however, might be a little ticked off. Sue the neighbor for persecuting your religion.
- Be loud and authoritative when you tell people that Wiccans never hurt anybody because it's against their religion but at the same time making sure that people better not mess with you because you know magic.
- Make your own (badly designed website ) where you spell things incorrectly with a bad imitation of Old English or Frisian style, like wymin, wynd, magick, summyr, hyjyne and for that matter, realytti. It must have a black background and be composed of 90% animated images, with bonus points for images of Edward Cullen.
- Change your name to something with two or more of the following words: Wynd, Summer, Night, Moon, Wolf, Crystal, Breeze, Solar, Raven, Owl, Storm, Cock, Silver, Gold, or Star. You will also need to claim you're part Native American/Gypsy/Celtic tribe and make up a faking sounding name to go along with it.
"AND HEY, IF IT HARMS NONE, DO WHAT YOU WANT, WHY NOT? HUH?"
This is the one big commandment of the Wiccan God, also known as the Wiccan Credo or Redo.... or something. This refers to things like people who use their magickal gifts for profits, except when you are charging your friends for tarot readings. It's totally not the same thing. Why? Because your gifts are real and those other people are just big, fat liars. This is also the reason why vampires become de-fanged when the convert to Wicca but they still crave human blood. Wiccans are also really sun deprived because the sun is essentially a type of magick that hurts your skin, which is against Wiccan law.
The God and Goddess
In worshiping the deities of mythology be sure to recognise that no matter how sodding nuts they acted in those stories, they REALLY want what's best for you, just like the strange smelling old man that likes to offer the neighbourhood kids candy.
Some Wiccans will burn LED candles in their honor during religious rites, whereas other like to trawl the interwebs and print out badly drawn fanfic art to treat as Holy image of the divine.
Pagan deities demand sacrifices to appease them, and if you want them to do stuff for you. Menstrual Blood, left over doughnuts or those cookies your mom baked are great options.
Polytheistic vs. Pantheistic Wicca
Polytheistic Wicca is where there's a whole lotta gods, not just one or even two. It's interesting to note that most Wiccans who are polytheistic at one point decided that one god controlling the universe is just far too ridiculous to believe. Observing this phenomenon helped Albert Einstein develop his Theory of Goditivity, or B(elievability)=G(number of gods)A(age of religion)2. In polytheistic Wicca, each god is a separate entity from the rest, each with their own personality, hang ups, vices, etc. Essentially, these gods are like Real World house members, with each one more annoying than the rest.
Pantheistic Wicca isn't much different, except the individual gods are all connected which is, frankly, creepy. They're much like Station from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, where one god of the pantheon is the head, another an arm, another a leg, another the ... erm, member. Of course, since Wiccans usually worship duality, this Station-God would have to be a hermaphrodite. This leads me to believe that the genitals are Hermes and Aphrodite.
Triple Goddess
Why have one Goddess when you can have TWO for the same price! And if you act now Wicca we'll throw in a third one FOR FREE! That's right people, THREE goddesses for the price of one. And that low, low, LOW price is just your soul (like you were using it anyway!).
This offer applies to ALL goddess! Hecate, Isis, you name her and Wicca can triple-fy her!
Practices
Wicca offers a plethora of ancient and mystical practices, from the hot chocolate ritual to ways to get chicks naked.
The Witches Ball
This is a lavish and magnificent occasion which traditionally takes place in the birth place of Paganism, namely, New Jersey in the United States. It is here that the first Wiccan was initiated by the Goddess Herself and from here all Wiccans were descended... and the rest, as they say, is Herstory. To commemorate this important and historically accurate occasion, much merriment and burning of Xians must be had!
Instead of lurking in their parents basements, Wiccans of all shapes and sizes don their traditional apparel of bondage gear or velvet and party the night away to traditional music, like Rock 'n Roll or Stevie Nicks.
Rituals Practices
An outdoor Neo-Pagan ritual is called a "moot". Moot also means something pointless or of little or no practical value, which describes everything about Wicca in general.
Ritual Tools
EVERYBODY knows that Wicca is a life-affirming, nature-based spirituality. Therefore when Wiccans set up their altar on a Tupperware container and use a crayon as a magic wand and a plastic sword as a real one (because mommy and daddy wont let them use sharp objects) it is just as natural and spiritual. Anyone who tells you differently just doesn't understand that Wicca is a religion where you can do anything that "feels right", even if that means wearing a duck on your head while singing musical numbers IT IS STILL WICCA simply because you say it is!
Menstrual Blood
Menstrual blood is another important tool in any Wiccans tool kit. They use it lavishly to write their names and other random, gibberish all over their faces. The reason for this is that it "looks cool" and don't ever look at a Wiccan like they are insane for doing this - that is considered persecution of their religion.
Internet
Wiccans love the innernests.
Anime
Anime is also an important tool in the practice of Wicca, judging by the number of Wiccans who are addicted to it. Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Charmed (or anything where Allyssa Milano gets her tits out) are also exempt from the TV rules as they form an intricate part of Wiccan Doctrine along with films like The Craft, Practical Magick, and Twilight.
Athame
Pronounced "Knife", this sacred tool has origins shrouded in mystery so deep that not even Wiccans know it's meaning. It is however a freely available item if you just look in your parents cutlery drawer. It is very important when you want to look all witchy by swishing it around randomly in the air, chanting mumbo-jumbo. It's also great for picking dirt out from under your toenails.
Pentagram
This is a star with points, not to be confused with the Pentacle. Please don't confuse it with a pentacle! That's just, ya'know, not cool cuz they are totally different. A Pentacle has a star inside a circle - that's why it has a "cle" at the end. No! Do not believe the Oxford English Dictionary which says both words can, and always have been, used interchangeably. "The dictionary was written by Xians who are trying to start the next "Burning Times"!!!!! It is a persecution of our RELIGION and an infringement of our RIGHTS to FREEDOM OF RELIGION!!" as explained by a Real Wiccan on an Internet Forum.
Witch Dating
Basically a cult of speed daters, but Wiccan. They go around the room deosil and ask each other their sign and preference for sacrifice until finding someone who has as low standards as them.
Ritual Neo-pagan Orgies
Oh and they do this too!
So there's at least one damned good reason to convert.
Wiccan Traditions
Eclectic and Solitary Wicca
According to Wikipedia,
| “ | There is also a movement of Eclectic or Solitary Wiccans who claim to belong to the religious movement, but do not believe any doctrine or traditional initiation is necessary in order to substantiate the claim. | ” |
So you or your partner might be a Wiccan RIGHT NOW and not even know it. If you suspect you are a Wiccan or might have contracted Wicca by sitting on a toilet seat or something, please see Dr. Jack Kevorkian to get tested, and be sure to be open with your partner. Especially if you used a luv potion #9 on them.
(Please note that this should not be confused with Electric Wicca or Epileptic Wiccans or Eclipse Wikis).
Gardenarian Tradition
Formed by the quintessential Wiccan, Mexican Gardener, this tradition emphasizes respect for the earth through lawnmower worship and erotic dungeons and dragons games. Many Wiccans shy away from this particular tradition, due to its strong preference for Elitist Esoteric Assholes who Actually Know what They're Talking About and Practice a Real Religion (even if it is mainly an excuse for an orgy with or without bondage). Initiation is necessary, though can be overridden by sacrificing a magjickkkkkkk sprinkler to the gods and/or one's guardian feminazi.
The true origins of Gardenarian Wicca were that Gardener, on one of his 'flights of fancy' to the US, came across the system at a BBQ at his old pal L-Ron's house. It was, however, the notorious gangsta-rappa and gaylord Aleister Crowley who put the innocent and gullible Gardner up to the whole thing, as some sort of sick prank. The whole thing backfired when people actually fell for the whole preposterous scheme and Crowley is reported to have exclaimed in dismay "Shiat! I've created monsta y'all!".
Gardner, when not gardening, enjoyed being tied up and whacked on the bum while buck naked by buxom young naked girls. It's easy to see why this religion is practiced by people solely for spiritual reasons, and not at all anything kinky.
Because of it's use of S and M, nudity, and sex, some people thought erroneously that Gardnerian Wicca was started by the British Royal Family.
Correllian Tradition
This was originally started through the combined effort of L. Ron Hubbard and Bill Gates. They hoped to combine their occult powers to ensure that each home in Amerika (and eventually the world) would have at least one Wiccan. In order to do this they needed to make Wicca more easily digestible and able to be distributed to as wide an audience as possible but still with the great attention to service excellence as original Wicca. Following in the footsteps of the highly respected "Online Colleges" where one can buy your PhD, they started a
Witch School where one could make your way through their ranks to become Queen of all Wiccans. All a future Wiccan wannabe needed to do was send them money and in return they would send you papers to fill your bookshelves at home with, cool badges to win friends and influence people with and a certificate with tasteful clip-art pictures (drawn by L. Ron Hubbard himself) in case anyone tries to dispute your claim of being Queen of all Wiccans. All rituals, including self-initiations, take place online in chat rooms, probably by those same guys who hit on your 8-year-old sister through Yahoo Messenger.
The Native Americans had been practicing Wicca for millennia and it had been passed down to L. Ron Hubbard by his grandma (a Native American gypsy wench, who occasionally hit the crack-peace-pipe) but was an overly complicated system.
In a failing economy L. Ron Hubbard bravely decided to sell his virginity on e-Bay to the highest bidder in order to keep the school afloat. Bill didn't take this too well and while L-Ron decided not to go through with the sale, the relationship dissolved. L-Ron decided to instead create a bunch of Wiccan tatt, following in the proud tradition of singing trout, which is now being sold worldwide.
British Traditional
This was started one fateful evening when the first episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer aired and was seen by some bored upper-class teenagers. This tradition is also known as "The Cult of Rupert Giles". An important part or these rituals involves forming a circle to drink Darjeeling and eat cucumber sandwiches.
Alexandrian Tradition
Only people with the name Alex, Alexandra, Alec, Aleqi or Alexander may join these covens. Alexandrias, oddly, are banned from the tradition, and in fact are in danger of being skinned alive and eaten if they come within 100 yards of an Alexandrian coven. Some derivatives (such as Al, Ali or Xander) have however been give leave to attend if permission is requested in writing.
Faery/Fairy Tradition
This a tradition where covens are made up of 8-year-old girls and gay males of varying ages. The international headquarters is located in San Francisco in the Castro district.
Christian Wicca
(pronounced: /ɒksɪmɔːrɒn/)
Little is known of this ancient religion other than it is over 10,000 years old and is a Christian based neopagan, black clothes and eyeliner based religion. Devised by a committee of Christians and Wicca who were attempting to put an end to the various lynching, duckings and death by spell casting that had plagued New Hampshire in the late 20th century. Followers of this religion worship the popular childrens book character named Harry Potter, and take the books of the author J.K Rowling as their de facto Bible, although the teachings of a recent publication The Tales of Beedle The Bard have been hotly disputed. The leader or Wishop of the Christian Wicca is shrouded in secrecy but is known to be one of the actors in the Harry Potter Film series, the ceremonial robes which are only worn in the privacy of his or her home, consist of a Sorting hat and a bed sheet that has been dyed black and has a hole cut in it for the head.
To become a Christo-Wicca, all you need to do is join the Church of Wicca and then not practice Witchcraft, don't do any rituals, don't do any spells or any divination/fortune telling, don't wear a pentagram and above all, DON'T believe in Hell. Also, be sure to worship Wiccan-Jesus, read the Wiccan Bible and take part in the cannibalistic rite of Wiccan Communion every Sunday. Purity Rings are the only permitted jewelry in this faith. They do however permit their clergy to listen to christian metal bands. This group has already begun it's own mutation which caused the formation of sub(human)group know as Christian Baptist Wicca. The disadvantage of being a Christian Wicca of course, is that you will be shunned by both Christian churches who disagree with your interpretation of their Bible (which they deem a mockery), and Wiccans from other traditions, who find you completely bizarre.
Blood and Meat Rituals
The Blood Ritual is performed several times each year by Christian Wiccans. They gather around a priestess or priest with cups of wine or grape juice and pretend to drink human blood. This has no relationship with vampires. When the magic words are spoken, some Wiccans believe the drink actually becomes the blood of a lesser god who lived 2000 years ago. The Meat Ritual is similar and often performed along with the Blood Ritual. Wiccans gather around the same priestess or priest with small pieces of bread or crackers and pretend to eat human meat. When the magic words are spoken, some Wiccans believe the bread or crackers actually become the meat of the same lesser god.
Dianic Tradition
Ever since the tragic passing of Princess Goddess Diana, this tradition has come to total fruition. Believers of this tradition worship before an Altar of Diana, normally depicted in her striking 80's-big-hair form. They also operate an underground network of operatives as they currently believe that either the Gardenarians or Alexandrians might have been behind the plot to kill their deity... either them or it was just those annoying, smelly, jealous French froggies! They are also known to have called a Jihad on the house of Windsor, thereby claiming their title as Wicca's most extremist and fundamentalist tradition!
Unlike other branches of Wicca, Dianic Wicca believes in a devil, whom they call "Prince Charles". Dianic Wiccans like to sing hymns, mostly that annoying song by Elton John which can also be used in the worship of Marilyn Monroe.
Celtic Wicca
This is the most beautiful and the most authentic of all the Wiccan traditions. It's followers must adhere to very strict rules if they wish to be involved but the payoff is huge. They start by wearing massive amounts of green, and then attempt to have their whole home, it's furnishing and anything about it made green also. They must then follow a strict diet of green potatoes and Guinness (dyed green) and watch at least three episodes of Father Ted a day. Meade is occasionally substituted for Guinness, provided that it too is dyed green. To pass the time, followers learn to tie Celtic knots, which are symbolized in their jewelry (Celtic Wiccans typically wear knotwork jewelry instead of Pentacles). After a year and a day, they must move to Ireland (if not already living there). The final steps to complete indoctrination are to don a gay, green suit, carry a Shillelagh and reach a permanent state of drunkenness. Once achieved, they are welcomed by the elders of the coven by being awarded with a rainbow and a Pot-O-Gold™.
Hanger On Tradition
Similar to Christian Wicca, this is made up of ex-Wiccans turned Christian in England who are actually still Wiccans. Even though they converted to Christianity, they hang out with Wiccans, have services where Wicca and Christianity are combined, and talk about Wicca stuff. Its members are like that kid that graduates High School but still keeps showing up just to hang out until eventually the school cop bans him from the property.
Jew-Wicca
Sadly, it does exist. Oy Vey. Dreidel, drediel, dreidel (Jews) with a six-sided pentagram (and their stupid games). They are Jews but they are Wiccans. Some may refer to something called the Kaballah. Be prepared to have your eyes glaze over when they try to explain how they have integrated Jewish culture, Jewish beliefs, this Kaballah with its pillar system and mentioning a tree of life in there somewhere, and how it is related to Yahweh, yet also related to Wicca at the same time, even though a Goddess is not mentioned with the Kaballah, and is indeed forbidden in the Torah (no other deities before me etc etc). Other Jews may believe in both a God and Goddess, but believe that this is still part of God and thus allowed in the Torah, despite all traditions to the contrary. But traditions are overrated anyways. When asked their beliefs you may at first be confused and believe you have met a Jew with a speech problem, but they are in fact referring to themselves as a Jewitch(not to be confused with the Jewich aka The Ultimate Kosher Sandwich).
Jewitches are shunned by Wiccans as an abomination. Jewish leaders have commented that Jewitches are quite simply, not kosher.
Atheist Wiccan Tradition
They are Wiccan. They believe in all that energy stuff. They believe that the plants and animals all have that energy-vibey stuff. Sometimes they even do witchy magic. Oh, and they do rituals and celebrate the sacredness for the seasons. However they DO NOT BELIEVE IN GOD(s) so they are ATHEIST! Believing in earthy-vibey stuff that exists in everything, and seeing nature as sacred is NOT believing in God!! OK?!! See you CAN be Wiccan and Atheist at the same time!
See also
- Pagan
- Goth
- Witches
- Hippie
- Environmentalist
- The Wicker Man
- Lesbian
- Irish
- French
- Vampire
- Aleister Crowley
- As generals gathered in their masses, just like "witches at black masses".
