Wii Fit

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“I have never had so much fun standing in one spot for 2 hours. It almost felt like it was worth buying a $300 plastic board for it! It's not like I'm falling into another one of Nintendo's evil sale schemes. Right?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Wii Fit

Wii Fit is a 2008 exercise game developed by Nintendo in an attempt to capitalize on worldwide obesity. Its original title was "Wii 'Я' Fat", but that did not bode well with Nintendo's consumers, who felt it hit much too close to home. It's believed the game absorbs your energy as you work out and transmits it to Nintendo headquarters so that they may feast upon your energy and feed the leftovers to Satan.

Wii Fit has been a commercial success. Following up on it are successors Wii Fit Plus and Wii Fit U, both of which improve significantly on the original—one has a Plus in the title, and the other has a U in the title, and that's what you're paying for. Somehow, the series is in the top ten best selling video games of all time.

Focus groups didn't respond favorably to this for some reason.

Gameplay[edit]

The game is devoid of plot and has no characters except the player and the Wii Fit Trainer serving as a personal trainer. The game can score players' fitness on their "Wii Fit Age" (ranging from 20–80), derived using an infallible super-secret formula. It's a formula that never fails. Because it's secret. So how can you prove it failed?

Wii Balance Board[edit]

Wii Balance Board

In an effort to squeeze more money from consumers, the Wii Balance Board was invented. This cross between a household scale and a Dance Dance Revolution mat is required to play games of the Wii Fit series. It senses both your center of gravity and your weight, accurate up to 150kg/330lbs (above that the Wii Balance Board gives you an instant game over and a mocking sound effect: Wamp Wamp Waaah).

Wii Fit Trainer[edit]

I hope nobody heard that...better act natural.

The Wii Fit Trainer is a virtual personal trainer, available in female and male. By default it's a female trainer; one can assume this was chosen to motivate the primarily male audience through staring at the trainer's tits having a gently encouraging female presence.

The Wii Fit Trainer appears in Super Smash Bros. 4 for the Wii U and Super Smash Bros. Ultimate for the Nintendo Switch. Because she's so popular – but not really a fighter – Nintendo improvised. All of her taunts for SSB4 are stretch-related[1], one attack of hers creates a ball of light by saluting the sun, and her Final Smash[2] uses the power of Yoga posing to defeat enemies. Other than a generic appeal to Eastern mysticism, it doesn't really make sense, but the fanbase hasn't been in uproar yet.

Notes[edit]

  1. Her taunts are: "Stretch those shoulders!", "Let's get a good stretch!", "Let's stretch our legs!"
  2. It's like a finishing blow
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Wii Fit.