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Today's featured propaganda
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Today's featured article – Rastadon
The Rastadon (Mamut rastadonis) is a mammalian species often confused with the more common Mastodon. The Rastadon was more intelligent, had a more complex social structure, and showed many other attributes usually associated with humanity, such as their own religion and communual smoking. The species now has only one living member and will go extinct when he rolls up his last reefer.
The Rastadon was discovered on February 3, 2007, by one Dr. Professor Ima Walrus, who got his Ph.D. in Zoology at Gotham University, as well as Tom Freebird, who had a B.A. in Sociology, and a minor in Taylor Swift, from Michigan Tech. Their historic discovery was found fifty miles north of Rastos, Nebraska. To date, only one skeleton of a Rastadon has ever been found, where it is currently still in active use. After many tests, Dr. Professor Walrus and Mr. Freebird found that the Rastadon's turn-offs included tobacco cigarettes, uniforms, sirens, and corporate life. Whereas its turn-ons included: pistachio ice cream, herbal medicine, large hollow plastic figurines with pipes sticking out of them, and snack foods. (more...)
The Addams Family is an American family best-known for producing an excessive number of U.S. Presidents. The Roosevelts are in a tie, but not in such short order; so too would be the Clintons, except for certain "deplorable" voters. The Kennedys showed comparable potential, except that various assassins showed more. (more...)
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Did you know...
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- ... an apple a day keeps the doctor away if thrown hard enough?
- ... that a live action version of Steamboat Willie is set for release next summer?
- ... that nihilists believe that life is like a box of chocolates?
- ... and that it is a Whitman Sampler that has been sitting on the shelf for too long?
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In the news
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On this day...
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May 26: Wear Pants On Your Head Day
- 1907 - Vauxhall Bridge is opened in Beijing. Commuters on the A202 complain about the roundabout trip in strongly worded letters to the Times.
- 1958 - Yamahachi 'Iron Shavings' Tsuharo is born in Cape Town, South Africa.
- 1963 - Unicorns wearing pants on their heads as a disguise are discovered in Portugal, coincidentally by people wearing pants on their heads.
- 1963 - Unicorns become extinct in Portugal.
- 1973 - Let's Not Celebrate This Day Festival is celebrated for the first and last time.
- 1979 - The Afro haircut becomes compulsory in the 48 contiguous states. Alaska follows suit in 1983.
- 1980 - Spain declares war on Pope Eggs Benedict IV for previous remarks.
- 1981 - Boy George is proclaimed Queen of England. Prince Philip is so devastated he fails to make a smartass remark.
- 1982 - Boy George is deposed in a violent uprising of bagpipe makers.
- 1985 - Peter Pan spins in his grave as Michael Jackson's Neverland is built.
- 1999 - The Y2K Bug dies squashed under a rock.
- 2002 - Mars Odyssey spacecraft finds signs of rocks on the planet Mars.
- 2003 - The first Masked Avenger is found drunk lying in a puddle with dead hooker in lap. Lawsuits ensue and first official 'Sue a Super' day commences.
- 2004 - The Vienna Boys Choir release a choral version of Whip It ! that ranks #22 on Billboard magazine.
- 2011 - Somebody uses the word 'bacon' in a sentence.
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To whom it may concern: I am writing to you today regarding Mr. Nydas, who I understand is applying for a position at your institution. Mr. Nydas is one of the most inspiring students I have ever had the p LOLOLOLOL PENNIS THE MENACE IS MY FAVORITE ACTION FIGURE SHITTY SHITTY BANG BANG LOL LOL WHOAAAAA THEEEEESE IZ KOOL, Y'ALLS leasure to instruct; though deaf, blind, mute and crippled from birth, he has managed to overcome his circumstances and express himself eloquently through his writing. His essays and stories are for him an adventure, an escape from the terribly unfortunate and hopeless reality of his life. Though he knows he is unlikely to survive the next four years, he remains irrepressibly cheerful and determined to become a famous author of children's books. You and I know this will never happen, but when he turns to you with his empty eyes, his face tragically wasted by leprosy, one cannot but root for him in his battle with the cruel, cruel world.
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