“If this car were a woman I would have sex with it... in fact I'll have sex with it anyway.”
Driving is the practice of getting a car from one point to another (when the tow truck is unavailable). The primary objective of driving is to do as much damage as possible to property, other cars, and pedestrians (particularly children).
So you want to be a good driver? Well, here's how to be the best, and safest, driver you can be.
Before you drive
It is important to ensure both you and your car are correctly prepared for driving before you drive.
- Make sure you are a man and that your eyes are round.
- Be aware of the fact that YOU are the most competent driver.
- Know how to gripe on social media about minor traffic incidents.
- Through meditation, gain the ability to fly into an impotent rage about another motorist traveling slightly under the speed limit.
- Ensure that loose bumpers and damaged parts are properly secured with duct tape.
- Out of courtesy, make sure the 3 people you have tied up and stuffed in the trunk can breathe.
- Seatbelts are a suffocation hazard. Do not use these in any event.
- Child booster seats are a waste of money. Don't be a chump, put your kids in the trunk.
- Check your tires to ensure they don't have any of that nasty 'tread'. Tread reduces speed and horsepower and must be eliminated at all costs.
- Drivers with L or P plates are the most experienced drivers on the road. To get one of these plates you MUST beet one of these L-unatic or P-rofessional in a high speed race.
Racing will frequently be required of you as a driver. The drag race, aka 'traffic light Grand Prix' is a fine art, and must be perfected over many years of experience. To initiate a drag race, rev your car's engine to the redline while sitting at the traffic lights. If the guy in the lane next to you responds by revving his engine, glaring angrily at you, or ignoring you completely, he has accepted your challenge to race. Hold your car's engine at redline, and the instant the lights turn green, release the clutch pedal as quickly as possible (if you don't have a clutch pedal then you are driving an automatic and are a woman). The resultant wheelspin will give you a 300 factor initiation vector, and increase your awesomeness by up to 500%.
If the opposing driver somehow makes it to the speed limit before you (probably by cheating), don't worry, simply floor it and overtake them at 20 over the limit whilst flipping them off. You will then be considered the winner. Remember to pass Traffic lights as fast as possible to get extra time.
Cops love a good race, more than beating their wives. Cops usually initiate the race at the flash of their lights. Be careful though because cops love to cheat just as much. They will do what they can to slow you down. They will get one of their fat buddies to throw spikes in your way to take out your tires. If you're coming out as a winner in the race, they will ram you off the road. In their eyes and bad haircuts, everyone is a loser.
When parking, it is essential that you bring the car to a stop in the correct position. Cars are typically parked in car parks, on the side of the road, in garages, or on top of pets/small children. Follow these guidelines while parking your vehicle.
- The white lines are a guide. Use them. You must park so that you are centered over a single line. Ignore the other cars that are parked between the lines, they are not properly versed on correct parking technique.
- If you sideswipe a parked vehicle, don't worry. Just drive off. Other drivers take the long scratches down the side of their car as a compliment, and will be overjoyed.
- If you stall the car whilst correcting your shitty park job, and people start pointing, its time to gun the engine, peel out of the carpark and look for parking elsewhere after gunning down the onlookers in the vicinity, Grand Theft Auto style.
- Please remember when visiting other countries, like Japan, you do not need to drive on the opposite side of the road - the lane you are currently in now gives you boost.