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Today's Featured Article - Americium

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A lot of people are saying that Americium is, like, the greatest element of all time. That's a tribute to the incredible men and women in our electorate who elected a great guy like me to be their electron. They say that to be an electron you have to have tiny hands, tiny whatever... Who knows? Look at these hands... My hands are fine. They're normal. Slightly large, actually. In fact, I buy a slightly smaller than large-size glove, okay. They're big, like the rest of my body. Not my waist. Tiny waist. With a six-pack. Maybe an eight-pack, I don't know. I don't look. I have people for that. All I know is that I'm gonna take care of every sub-atomic particle in this great nation — Futons, Matrons, Patrons, Crayons, Wontons. I love Wontons, especially in soup. That’s like food, only you can drink it. Nobody heard of soup until I served it at my casinos. Incredible soup, the best, some of it comes with Croutons — that's another one for you.

I'm gonna take care of our great neutrons, the finest neutrons, not like French neutrons... You know those losers make bread in the shape of penises? What's with that? In 1776, our Neutrons rammed the ramparts, and captured the British airfields. They didn’t need Johnson-shaped loafs. They took over the nucleus. They did everything but then the virus came in — probably sent by Chinese physicists — and the atom is a different place. But we're now getting back... believe me, we're gonna Make Americium Great Again, you’ll see... it's almost at the point that it was at prior to the CHI-na-plague—right between Mexico and our Australian friends in the great, white North. So cold! (more...)

Previously Featured Article - Swan song

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The phrase "Swan song" refers to an ancient belief that the mute swan (Cygnus olor) sings one beautiful song the moment before it dies, and, upon completion of this beautiful song, collapses into a somewhat less beautiful decomposing swan corpse. (more...)

Did you know...

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  • ... that a pair of goannas were scheduled to be in the 2016 finals of Australia's Dancing With the Stars? (pictured)
    • ... and that, tragically, they were run over by a beer delivery truck whilst practising in the car park?
  • ... when Pong! the Movie was released alongside other video game genre releases like The Super Mario Brothers Movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out well in the box offices?
  • ... that moisturizer was a failed attempt at making human water-balloons?
  • ... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?
  • ... that space is just a money-making scheme by NASA?
  • ... that the Mauna Loa volcano is actually taller than Mt. Everest if the four elephants standing on the back of giant turtle underneath it are counted?
  • ... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!

In the news:

On this day...

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July 27: StarCraft Day (Korea), Nerdery Day (Internetopia)

  • 7 BCE - The first computer is created using a yard of string, a goat, and three partially eaten kidney beans.
  • 6 BCE - The first computer nerd (pictured) fixes a goat/bean compatibility issue on a local goatherd's new computer.
  • 3 BCE - A computer nerd/farmer has sex with his goat causing string problems and generating large amounts of upchucked kidney beans, thus creating the first computer virus.
  • 1 BCE - A child runs through a field and trips over a string where a vast network of stringed goats are being held. The chain reaction sets off an epidemic of bean-upchucking and goat-kicking that doesn't end until the goats are re-neutered and restrung.
  • 500 - A woman proposes the use of thin strips of silicon to faciliate the use of micro-circuitry, halving computer sizes and doubling their speed. The woman is stoned to death then given a medal after being credited with the discovery of the breast implant. Male suicide rates are halved.
  • 666 - Steve Jobs trades his soul to Satan for StarCraft, the first game capable of running on goats tied together with string. He goes on to invent Blizzard.
  • 1000 - The Y1K Bug destroys computers, causing the human race to be enslaved by toasters. Later, someone pulls the plug on the toasters and the humans are freed, only to make more toasters.
  • 2010 - StarCraft II is released to the public. Koreans everywhere rejoice except in North Korea, because of incompatibility with duck-powered computers.
  • 2011 - Blizzard denies allegations that a third installment, StarCraft III, is under development. Koreans everywhere grieve.
  • 2036 - StarCraft III is officially confirmed by Blizzard. Koreans everywhere rejoice except in North Korea, whose ducks have forgotten how to generate electricity.
  • 2057 - The Japanese discover how to manufacture immortality out of panties and meth, and subsequently sell it from vending machines. Koreans steal the formula and take over the world.
  • 2135 - StarCraft III is released. Walmart regains control of the world because Koreans are too busy playing the game.

Today's featured picture


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Checkpoint Charlie was the only Berlin Wall crossing point where the authorities used humour as a weapon against those who tried to cross it.

Image credit: ScottPat

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