From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|
Ladies, if one’s husband should be sent to the New World, the better to govern the unwashed and the uncultured, what may be done? One may, of course, remain in the comfort of London, shewing that the fair sex may manage estates as well as any man. I, on a single day of long renown while my husband yet governed Bombay, once used his positions to evict a thousand Irish peasants from their beastly hovels, while also ordering the naval bombardment of enemy shore batteries in the Bay of Biscay and sending the Highland Regiment to disperse trades unionists in the East End — to the great jollity of those men in skirts and to the equal dismay of any other so-dressed in the locality.
But, thou wilt miss thy husband in the months of his absence, no matter how energetic one’s footmen and how fetchingly they fill their stockings! Alas and alack, then there is nothing for it but to brave the mighty ocean and the terrors there within. And from thence to brave also the more frightful terror of American society!
But what to do when one arrives in the New World? Anyone with position equal to or greater than that of Dame might expect to rise naturally to the very top of what passes for society in the colonies. But gentlewomen of lesser rank may need to lower themselves to facilitate their own rise, and introduce themselves to the benighted peasantry in petticoats that pass for gentry on that distant shore. Take heart, fair ladies! Have one’s chambermaid hold one’s nose and commit to hosting a Boston Tea Party. (more...)
Online schooling is the act of destroying the entire education foundation in the span of a year so that your children don't get a cough, therefore saving you money by not having to purchase cold medicine. It became commonplace in March of 2020, shortly after some retard in Wuhan, China ordered soup but got a bad bat. Since then, schools have been spending millions of dollars trying to find ways to make the process as streamlined and efficient as possible. (more...)
|
Did you know...
|
- ... that it's a surprisingly simple process to start your own religion? (pictured)
- ... the Treaty of Ghent includes a clause that neither Americans nor the British are allowed to push in the backs of chocolates to see what's inside, then put them back in the box?
- ... that Cirno will always be the strongest, beating the nuclear raven?
- ... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?
- ... that the rumors that you are paranoid were started by someone who's out to get you?
- ... when your grandma said, "You gruesome", you misunderstood and proudly stood up as tall as you could?
- ... the great idea you had last week was already thought up by Elon Musk and will soon be realized on Mars?
|
|
|
|
|
|
On this day...
|
May 14: Sky's the Limit Day, Fat Guys in Spandex Festival San Francisco, California USA.
- 468 BCE - Sky colour declared blue by Greek philosophers.
- 49 BCE - Sky declared grey by the Roman Republic in order to provoke the Greeks into a fight.
- 1953 - Sky Masterson, a character from the musical Guys and Dolls, is played by Marlon Brando.
- 1973 - Skylab, the United States' first space station, is launched. It will take a dozen Druids to keep it in orbit.
- 1979 - Skylight, the glass thing in my goddamned roof, is greatly expanded by Skylab's wonderful return to Earth. Dammit.
- 1981 - Demise of the International Dark-Sky Association.
- 2005 - Skynet is founded by Marlon Brando, utilizing power module and microchips from a crashed Skylab, and broken glass from some guy's skylight.
- 2006 - Marlon Brando dies in a skydiving accident.
- 2007 - Bill Gates hits puberty.
- 2009 - Prime Minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd, declares free money for all.
- 2010 - Puberty sues Bill Gates for 'unbelievable infliction of emotional distress and disgusting zits'; asks $500 billion.
- 2012 - Marlon Brando's remains explode, with debris landing as far away as Johannesburg, South Africa.
- 2014 - The Moon sues Bill Gates because doing nothing but orbiting the earth constantly for billions of years is well and truly boring. It seeks all money on Earth or a PC to play on while orbiting.
- 2525 - I lost my keys again :(
- 2990 - Lost keys are located in Howard Beach at the social club of an Italian "Gentleman of Honor" who prefers to remain anonymous.
|
|
Today's featured picture
|
|
A WWI-era Jarhead recruiting poster helped to bring many new recruits into the beloved US Marine Corps.
Image credit: One-eyed_Jack
|
|
Uncyclopedia's sista projects
|
| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
|
Uncyclopedia Languages
|
| This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 36,621 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
|
Protected by the Fair Use Clause, and an elite clan of Clinjas.
