Matthew "Casablanca-Massassi-Mania" Casamassina (born December 22, 1975) is an American video game journalist and indie sci-fi novelist, best known for co-founding IGN. Similar to Jack Thompson's crusade against video games, Casamassina is a crusader against coherent and objective video game reviews, and is incredibly gifted at contradiction. He is described as a "California talker", as he often rants and raves about the benefits of living paycheck-to-paycheck in state that is rapidly dying — culturally, physically, and socially (as holds true for Casamassina's soul).
Being born and raised on a stoat farm in Simi Valley, California proved to be rough for Casamassina. Considered something of a social outcast throughout childhood and adolescence, young Matt often found solace in the comfort of his bedroom, away from the general public he so desperately feared. Alone and reclusive, Casamassina found comfort in a joystick — not his own (although some speculate he often multitasked), but that of the original NES.
After unsuccessful attempts to impress his college friends with his sarcastic know-it-all wit, Casamassina finally hit gamerhood at the tender age of 20 and decided it was time for a change. In order to find a girl, he'd first have to reinvent himself. As the 1980s had come to a close six years prior, Casamassina determined that his mullet-style hairdo was holding him back. (more...)
The Mason-Dixon Line was a historic, heavily fortified system of artillery emplacements, trenches, and checkpoints built by the South in the years just prior to the American Civil War to deter an invasion from the Yankees; a veritable Great Wall of Pewter. (more...)
Did you know...
- ... that no, doing this does not make your incompetence any less obvious? (pictured)
- ... that fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to foreplay?
- ... Uncyclopedia prefer to use cats instead of dogs for data retrieval for references?
- ... and this explains why most of its articles don't have references?
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- ... the Ronco Pocket Fisherman lets you go fishing anytime in your jacket pocket?
- ... and it can also be used to play pocket pool?
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- ... that the butler did it?
- ... that Dog is offended by this statement?
On this day...
January 19: Porn Day
- 7,998,824 BCE - Monkeys evolve opposable thumbs.
- 7,998,824 BCE - Monkeys start to "spank the monkey".
- 3000 BCE - Egyptians invent papyrus.
- 2999 BCE - The first pornographic papyrus is created, featuring Nefertiti. Men say they "just read it for the hieroglyphs".
- 1450 - Gutenberg invents a printing press capable of printing centerfolds.
- 1850 - Man invents photography.
- 1850 - The first pornographic photos are made.
- 1953 - The first Playboy is issued, featuring Marilyn Monroe.
- 1953 - The world suffers from a crippling shortage of hand lotion.
- 1970 - Presidential Commission on Obscenity and Pornography is convened to look into social effects of porn. After six straight weeks of reviewing pornographic materials, the members of the commission say they have come to no conclusions, and ask for six more months to study the issue.
- 1971 - Man invents videos.
- 1971 - Man invents porn videos.
- 1971 - First porn video director becomes millionaire.
- 1982 - DARPA, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, begins research into a network called ARPANET that will allow porn to be transmitted even in the event of a nuclear attack.
- 1994 - Al Gore invents the world wide web which already has 122 porn sites on its first day of operation.
- 1994 - First porn web site reaches 100 million hits. This is particularly impressive when you consider that only 5,000 people had web browsers at the time.
- 2015 - The last male yak porn star dies and the month is renamed after his last partner.
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