Today's Featured Article - Americium
A lot of people are saying that Americium is, like, the greatest element of all time. That's a tribute to the incredible men and women in our electorate who elected a great guy like me to be their electron. They say that to be an electron you have to have tiny hands, tiny whatever... Who knows? Look at these hands... My hands are fine. They're normal. Slightly large, actually. In fact, I buy a slightly smaller than large-size glove, okay. They're big, like the rest of my body. Not my waist. Tiny waist. With a six-pack. Maybe an eight-pack, I don't know. I don't look. I have people for that. All I know is that I'm gonna take care of every sub-atomic particle in this great nation — Futons, Matrons, Patrons, Crayons, Wontons. I love Wontons, especially in soup. That’s like food, only you can drink it. Nobody heard of soup until I served it at my casinos. Incredible soup, the best, some of it comes with Croutons — that's another one for you.
I'm gonna take care of our great neutrons, the finest neutrons, not like French neutrons... You know those losers make bread in the shape of penises? What's with that? In 1776, our Neutrons rammed the ramparts, and captured the British airfields. They didn’t need Johnson-shaped loafs. They took over the nucleus. They did everything but then the virus came in — probably sent by Chinese physicists — and the atom is a different place. But we're now getting back... believe me, we're gonna Make Americium Great Again, you’ll see... it's almost at the point that it was at prior to the CHI-na-plague—right between Mexico and our Australian friends in the great, white North. So cold! (more...)
Previously Featured Article - Swan song
The phrase "Swan song" refers to an ancient belief that the mute swan (Cygnus olor) sings one beautiful song the moment before it dies, and, upon completion of this beautiful song, collapses into a somewhat less beautiful decomposing swan corpse. (more...)