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Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out UnNews Monday, July 6, 2020, 11:29:59 (UTC)

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Rapper Kanye runs for President
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Rapper Kanye West has announced his candidacy for President.

The bejewelled musician/fashion brand and his wife Kim Kardashian — who once broke the Internet by appearing nude and wiggling her generously proportioned ass — said they were up for the challenge to make America cool again. Full story»

Trump: I "stopped" looting and vandalism
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Donald Trump claimed to have "stopped" looting and vandalism, signing a "bill" to that effect.

It is not clear for how long he has "stopped" the practices. Pundits say he might resume, if elected to a second term on November 3. Full story»

Chicks drop the Dixie
TUMBLEWEED, Texas -- In a move that has hit the country music scene like a skydiving cow that forgot to pull the ripcord, the Dixie Chicks have shortened their group's name to The Chicks.

We arranged an interview with several of The Chicks. Full story»

New statues approved for public display
SEATTLE, Washington -- As protesters continue to attack statues of notable historic figures, activist leaders have proposed a design for public statues that will eliminate public discontent with historical associations that may offend anyone, anywhere.

UnNews interviewed four opinion leaders via an unnamed conferencing program to avoid violating one of the multitude of social distancing regulations. Full story»

Asteroid misses Earth again, strategists regroup
HOUSTON, Texas -- An asteroid nearing Earth's orbit will safely pass by and not end life as we know it, according to NASA.

Scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory here say the asteroid, named 2002 NN4, will give Earth a wide berth of 3.2 million miles, so far away that it will be hard to even hear the "swoosh." After this Saturday, the year 2020, such as it is, will continue. Full story»

COVID-19 poker finals
BRUSSELS, Belgium -- Four men are seated around the table. This is the final round of the COVID-19 poker championship.

The dealer, Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, is the focus of attention as he effortlessly performs his trademark "air shuffle," with the cards never touching the table. The hands that he will shortly deal will decide who emerges as champion of the current pandemic. Full story»

Boris Johnson goes full Churchill
LONDON, United Kingdom -- Britain's prime minister Boris "The Survivor" Johnson has made a Churchillian speech to rally the country against the deadly Coronavirus pandemic.

Johnson went against the invisible booted enemy with its dastardly plan to make the prime minister look an idiot, and by extension, every breathing Briton. Full story»

NCAA says sports won't open until colleges do
TWITTER, Social Distancing America -- NCAA President Mark Emmert said NCAA sports will not resume until all students are back on campus.

Speaking on Twitter Live to avoid potentially contagious human warmth, Emmert said, "You don’t want to ever put student-athletes at greater risk than the rest of the student body," except via aluminum bats, bone-crushing collisions at home plate, and quantity purchases of crutches for the basketball team. Full story»

Latest Kim Jong-un lookalike bloated up to working weight in record time
PYONGYANG, North Korea -- North Korea’s leader has not been seen in several weeks, leading to suspicion that the waddling fatso might have expired — only for someone who looked very much like him to be pictured at the country’s factory.

Senior nutritionists are delighted at successfully transforming a stick-thin peasant who looked vaguely like Kim into a honking lardass with a stupid haircut in less than a month. Full story»

Libertarian celebrities sing "Imagine No Taxes"
GALT'S GULCH, Colorado -- While the coronavirus continues to ravage society, the nation's libertarians have gone missing.

With industries shutting down, local governments forcing people to stay inside their houses, and the rise of democratic socialism, it is an opportune time for libertarians to express their views. However, they have been eerily quiet. Full story»

Han Solo awareness-training fails
HAWTHORNE, California -- Swashbuckling smuggler Han Solo disobeyed Air Traffic Control on Wednesday and flew his aircraft, presumably the Millennium Falcon, over a runway where another plane was landing.

The notorious space criminal "mis-heard" the controller's instructions, according to a publicist in a fur suit wearing bandoliers. Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»


TV Highlights July 6

No One Is Watching Government
C-SPAN 2:00 PM EDT/1:00 CDT
Why on earth are you even reading this? You KNOW damned well you are going to click over to USA for "Law & Order: SVU" without even checking this out. That's what everybody does. Why should you be any different? We could put on footage of Richard Nixon doing the Obama twins, and STILL no one would see it. Go watch something else. Anything else. NOW.

The Nazi Eaters Documentary
A&E 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People eating fascists.

Topless Doctor's Office Reality
Showtime 3:00 PM EDT/2:00 CDT
Attractive women agree to let cameras into their mammogram sessions. Adult program