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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Monday, September 21, 2020, 05:37:59 (UTC)

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Hanson: UnNews is all that's left
PALO ALTO, California -- Commentator Victor Davis Hanson has given his complete endorsement of UnNews.

In a column condemning American media for its negative coverage of Donald Trump, Hanson wrote, "The news as we once understood it is dead. It has been replaced by the un-news". Full story»

Sanders says he didn't say it
LENINGRAD-ON-THE-CHAMPLAIN, Vermont -- Bernie Sanders denied he told Joe Biden he didn't have "a snowball's chance in hell," as he earlier denied he had told Elizabeth Warren she didn't.

And Donald Trump denied he said foreign military casualties are "chumps" who don't deserve having him lay a wreath at their grave, especially if it involved standing in the rain; as in 2015, he called the late John McCain a "chump." Full story»

Virtuosos hijack Banksy migrant boat
MEDITERRANEAN SEA -- Bohemian artists and curators from the Tate Gallery of Modern Art have hijacked the Banksy-funded boat MV Louise Michel, currently in distress on the Mediterranean Sea.

The hijackers have demanded the vessel and all personnel onboard be bubble-wrapped and transported to London, to be placed on a marble plinth within the Boiler Room of the prestigious Tate Gallery, alongside Takis’ Magnetic Fields sculpture. Full story»

UK Defence Secretary launches Op Thunberg
LONDON, United Kingdom -- Defence Secretary Ben Wallace has launched Operation Greta Thunberg, a mission to dovetail voter-friendly climate ingenuity with hardcore frontline fighting.

The minister praised the greener military applications, including recycled wrapping paper, biodegradable string, and carbon-neutral projectiles (old tree stumps) for sustainable enemy mincing. Full story»

UK coursework to be graded by Zoella
LONDON, United Kingdom -- Students are to be awarded their grades by YouTube fashion-vlogger Zoella.

The policy shift comes as there were no A-level exams, because nobody took advantage of the COVID lockdown to write them. Gavin Williamson scrapped plans to calculate grades with a mathematical model of past performance, instead leaving the decision to the YouTube sensation and Girl Online author. Full story»

Trump twitchy over Postmaster zeal
BEDMINSTER, New Jersey -- Donald Trump addressed — and gave a first-class stamp to — Postmaster-General Louis DeJoy, during a press conference at his golf club here.

Mr. DeJoy, a Trump mega-donor and self-styled “Dickensian workhouse Master”, was hailed for trying to “make the Postal Service great again” through merciless asset-stripping, buttressing his own logistics empires, and beating child-labourers with tarred rope. Full story»

Trump pardons Susan B. Anthony dollar
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump granted a full pardon to the Susan B. Anthony dollar to mark the centennial of the right to vote.

The Anthony dollar was a felony bad idea of Jimmy Carter, as no one wanted a suffragette on their coins. Trump's pardon means the dollar will serve no jail time. It may write a book and go on a promotional tour on talk radio. Full story»

Kaine welcomes Harris to obscurity
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- One day after presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden selected Kamala Harris as his running mate, Tim Kaine sent the candidate his props.

Kaine was Harris's counterpart in the Hillary Clinton campaign in 2016, something a daily newspaper here felt the need to explain in the headline. Full story»

Harry and Meghan to star in Finding Freedom movie
HOLLYWOOD, California -- Meghan Markle and Harry Sussex have landed a starring movie role in the Disney adaptation of fantasy novel Finding Freedom, a transatlantic tale of a working woman’s marriage to a popular prince.

Disney says they are the perfect choice for the roles, as they have described similar experiences in their own lives, as well as demonstrating authentic on-screen chemistry. Full story»

Trump: Elections not as democratic as my Twitter feed
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Trump addressed the upheaval of his campaign in a Rose Garden press conference scheduled for an update on the Coronavirus.

"I love elections, really I do, they are a good thing, you know, for the country, for veterans. But the next vote will be crooked, everyone knows that, I tweeted it." Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights September 21

Nerds Get Girls Fantasy
SciFi 4:00 PM EDT/3:00 CDT
High School Science geeks get laid. Really.

Right Behind You Paranoia
Discovery. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
They're RIGHT there . . no, DON'T look. Just be cool, man. Be cool.

Our Racist Cousin Comedy
FOX 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Lou has a row with a local grocer.