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Friday, April 3, 2020, 16:19:59 (UTC)
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  CHERCHEZ... WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Democratic Presidential nominee-in-waiting Joe Biden says his running mate will be a woman, though he will not say who.
In an exclusive interview, he says, "Our number boys did their sums and came up with me as a perfect complement to Barack Obama." And now they are working on finding the perfect complement to him. Full story»  ...LA FEMME! WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Rising star Tulsi Gabbard has quit the race for the Democratic nomination. Her service in the military suggested she would know which end of a firearm to grip, and could attract new voter blocs, such as Republican veterans who don't want to "make America great again."
A future in politics depends on Joe Biden's vow to select as Vice President "some woman, provided she doesn't mind me sneaking up behind her and sniffing her hair." Full story»  ALL TULSI... WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Following the Coronavirus deaths of candidates Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders, Tulsi Gabbard has been named the Democratic Nominee as the only remaining candidate.
Ms. Gabbard was informed after receiving treatment for an injured arm. She had been attempting increasingly desperate publicity stunts, culminating in yesterday's alligator bite. Full story»  ...ALL THE TIME NEW YORK CITY -- The presiding judge has thrown out a lawsuit filed by Rep. Tulsi Gabbard against Hillary Clinton.
Rep. Gabbard's lawsuit sought total damages of $100 million for "malicious and unrepentant conduct." But the judge ruled that the resulting brief notoriety was the most valuable asset in Rep. Gabbard's entire campaign, and she may have to pay Hillary. Full story»  WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Restaurant and bar businesses across the country are desperately clinging to the hope that their state is not the next to thwart their goal of making revenue on St. Patrick's Day, the traditional day of mixing dairy and alcohol, breathing on strangers, and fingering girlfriends. Full story»
 ROME, Italy -- Pope Calimatius says quacks will soon have ways to detect the Black Death outbreak currently ravaging Christendom.
Shortly before packing his robes in a trunk marked 'to Avignon,' Calimatius blamed the spread of the disease on sin, schismatics, heretics, and Jews. Full story»  EXCLUSIVE BUCKINGHAM PALACE -- The Queen has hinted that she will allow Harry and possibly even Meghan to return to life in the palace.
The Queen has decided that it is in the best interests of the English monarchy and the House of Windsor to maintain at least a semblance of unity in the family. Full story»  MANCHESTER, New Hampshire -- The presidential campaign of Joe Biden is losing support from lying, dog-faced pony soldiers.
Mr. Biden’s bedrock support among lying, dog-faced pony soldiers has been seen as perhaps the greatest strength of his campaign. But the closely-watched voting bloc seems to be looking for alternatives. Full story» |
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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story» |
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TV Highlights April 3
The Nazi Eaters Documentary Topless Doctor's Office Reality
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