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The news outlet with approval higher than Congress UnNews Sunday, June 13, 2021, 18:26:59 (UTC)

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El Humidor switches to Bitcoin
El Humidor -- This Central American nation said it will adopt Bitcoin as legal tender. "Bitcoin has no firm backing, is subject to wild fluctuation, and its value is set by a cryptic process," said President Bukele. "This makes it equal to anything we could cobble together ourselves."

70% of Humidoreans do not have bank accounts and must simply pay cash because they cannot avail themselves of long lines, surly tellers complaining that the slip isn't filled out correctly, and nationwide bank holidays while the banknotes are replaced by ones with fewer zeroes. Full story»

Journalist wins Belarussian lottery
MINSK, Belarus -- Expatriate journalist winning Belarussian Mental Health Lottery! On Sunday, government of Belarus learns Roman Protasevitch flying to Vilnius — but flying over Belarus. Mr. Protasevich has winning Lottery ticket, but never comes to Minsk to collect it.

So Belarus government will deliver winning ticket to Mr. Protasevich. We send special airplane, MIG-24, very fast, to tell Mr. Protasevitch his ticket awaits him in Minsk. Full story»

Amazon builds its own navy
Pacific Ocean--Amazon owner Jeff Bezos intends to build his own fleet to "protect my interests" around the world.

Bezos is a great admirer of the East India Company, which had its own navy and army and monopolized trade from India. Bezos says his forces would "save American tax dollars," as well as speed up delivery for "Prime" customers. Full story»

Boris Johnson in dispute about soft furnishings
LONDON -- Prime Minister Boris Johnson defended his and girlfriend Carrie Symonds' decision to make their home look like a waiting room to a Turkish brothel.

"As I have often said, I have Turkish ancestors," said Johnson in a debate in the House of Commons. "What better way to celebrate than to show people that I am not a simple nationalist Brexiteer but that I am proud of my mixed heritage?" Full story»

Pharaoh Philip dies of old age
LONDON -- Crowds cried, dogs barked, and petrol bombs were thrown in Belfast as one of Britain's greatest leaders, Pharaoh Philip, died at his Windsor temple.

An adopted son of Great Britain, Philip was just a couple of months short of his century when death bowled him a googly and claimed his mortal wicket. Full story»

Toast seen in face of Jesus
TORONTO -- Most of us have seen the face of Ronald McDonald in the randomly distributed rocks of the Martian surface, the Virgin Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich or the Mona Lisa in yo' Mama’s pubic hair.

Now, scientists at the University of Toronto have shown that this Pareidolia effect works two ways. Full story»

White House devil dogs run amok
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Joe Biden's two "hounds from hell", Champ and Major, are spreading fear in the White House.

The dogs are busy chasing and terrifying Biden's staff by biting people judged to be "less than on-message" and relieving themselves in an area of the West Wing carpet reserved for visiting members of Congress. Full story»

Egyptian economy crashes as Moses blocks the Red Sea
THEBES, Egypt -- The Egyptian economy has crashed after shipping was blocked from using the Red Sea by Moses. Ships are currently lying idle on either side of a barrier created by Moses using his staff and illegal Jewish aliens.

This latest blow followed a recent spate of plagues which had seen the country covered in frogs, locusts and lice. Full story»

Markle begs royals to spare her head
LONDON -- Queen Meghan Markle of England, currently chained up in the Tower of London, has complained to the media about her treatment at the hands of King Harry VIII.

Though Queen Meghan officially supplied an heir to the throne with Prince Archibald, royal insiders say Queen Meghan wasn't the mother of the child, as it was neither black nor foreign-looking. Full story»

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TV Highlights June 13

Opportunity Knox Comedy
ABC 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Accused murderer hottie Amanda Knox answers a roommate wanted ad from a retired Mars rover - hilarity ensues as they clash about everything from kitchen duties to panties drying on the deep space antennae.

Viral Videos ?
TBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Every supposedly hilarious you-tube video you've already been linked to one hundred times on Facebook, in case your day was not dreadful enough already.

TV Highlights Readers Documentary
Discovery 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People who read the TV Highlights section.
No, you're not in it.
What, you think you're the only one who reads this crap?
Stupid narcissist.