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Saturday, September 21, 2019, 17:31:59 (UTC)

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Huffman flunks big test
BOSTON, Massachusetts -- Actress Felicity Huffman was sentenced today for bribing a high school counselor to fake crucial SAT scores to get her daughter into a "cool school".

Huffman's daughter made a public statement outside the courtroom. "It is not good to discover that your mother thinks you are too stupid to get into college." She was then taken away to begin a lifetime of therapy and mind-numbing drugs. Full story»

NY Times gets flak for calling physicist a "climate dentist"
NEW YORK CITY -- The New York Times is taking criticism for labeling Princeton professor William Happer a "climate dentist."

The nation's "newspaper of record" has faced declines in print advertising and subscription revenue, which it has offset by laying off its erstwhile army of sub-editors. Full story»

India moon failure provokes joyous new mood
ROHTAK, India -- PM Modi said an "Isro spirit" has gripped the country following moon mission Chandrayaar-2, as the events of September 7 got everyone to sit around the television at the same time.

The unmanned Vikram lunar lander was to do a quick check for flocks of penguins and then — when India was on the verge of joining the exclusive soft-moon-landing "club" of three nations — Full story»

No, Vikram is very dead
CHENNAI, India -- As India completes a fortnight of national hoping for a response from the lunar lander Vikram, scientists at the India Space Research Organisation (Isro) confirmed that the lander is kaput.

One anonymous scientist said Isro did not need 14 days but about 14 seconds to realise it had launched a spectacular dud. Full story»

Tommy Robinson to be new UK ambassador for USA
LONDON, United Kingdom -- Boris Johnson intends to appoint Tommy Robinson as the new British ambassador to the USA, being the only suitable liaison to President Donald Trump.

The vacancy occurred when ex-ambassador Sir Nigel Kim Darroch's emails to Theresa May were leaked. They had described Trump as "mad, insane, crazy, and just batshit nuts." Full story»

Britons prepare for no-deal Brexit
LONDON -- Brave British citizens are preparing for the day when the United Kingdom slams the door on the European Union and goes it alone on 31st October.

"This is Our Day of Destiny," said chief caveman Prime Minister Boris Johnson. "Britons, we have survived the Ice Age before and we will do it again. Trust me. (Someone has to.)" Full story»

Trump and Buffett set for bidding war on Greenland
OMAHA, Nebraska -- Donald Trump asked White House aides to explore acquiring the ice paradise that costs owner Denmark $600 million every year.

However, Warren Buffett is reportedly sitting on $112,000 million dollars — "far beyond" the level that executives of Berkshire Hathaway prefer — and it is literally burning a hole in his pocket. Full story»

San Fran to build housing inspired by Star Wars
SAN FRANCISCO, California -- Rapper Kanye West has devised low-income housing based on the childhood home of Luke Skywalker on the Star Wars planet Tatooine.

A reporter described the prototypes as "skeletons of wooden spaceships." However, it is reported that West refers to the residences as "single-wides." Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights September 21

Nerds Get Girls Fantasy
SciFi 4:00 PM EDT/3:00 CDT
High School Science geeks get laid. Really.

Right Behind You Paranoia
Discovery. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
They're RIGHT there . . no, DON'T look. Just be cool, man. Be cool.

Our Racist Cousin Comedy
FOX 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Lou has a row with a local grocer.