UnNews:Germany spills British military secrets

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? ✪ UnNews ✪ Saturday, April 27, 2024, 09:22:59 (UTC)
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4 March 2024

General Gerhartz dressed up for the Skype call, as one never knows whether important people may be listening in.

THE INTERNET -- Germany has accidentally disclosed to Russia that Britain has "boots on the ground" in Ukraine.

This apparently happened when Luftwaffe Lieutenant General Ingo Gerhartz discussed delivering longer and more precise missiles to Ukraine with defence minister Boris Pistorius. They held their discussion on Skype, which Pistorius was able to patch into with his cell phone from a hotel room. Unfortunately, it appears that the Kremlin also joined the channel, albeit in "listen-only" mode.

Recordings of the call have now been broadcast on Russian television. It fed the Russian war fever, or would have, if the conversation were not entirely in German. The upgrade to Taurus missiles would let Ukraine bomb Moscow or destroy the sole remaining toll booth on the Kerch Bridge that gives the Russians direct access to Crimea River.

Earlier, the mere mention, by French President Emmanuel Macron, of sending NATO troops to Ukraine had riled up the Russians so that they accelerated their bombing of apartment buildings and sidewalk cafés. The current security breach is certain to annoy Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, who earlier this month disclosed that the 2023 campaign to retake the eastern part of the country had been "a dud" because the plans were entirely leaked to the Russians.

In the Skype call, General Gerhartz can be heard to say, "I know how the British do this....They have several people on the ground," holding a Michelin map up to his phone and pointing out their locations. General Frank Graefe replies, "Let's keep this our little secret."

German chancellor Olaf Scholz ordered that subordinates investigate the flagrant security breach and, once they figure out whether World War 3 has started, tweet their findings back to him.

Sources[edit]

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