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Tuesday, July 23, 2019, 14:25:59 (UTC)

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UK pols lower bar for new Prime Minister
LONDON, United Kingdom -- Conservative MPs have whittled the Prime Minister hopefuls down to just two: Boris Johnson and the other chap…Nigel or whatever. The final decision is now being pondered over cups of tea and Digestive biscuits by the wider Tory membership.

Across the House, 64 senior Labour Peers have raided their pensions and placed an advert in the Guardian to persuade those who drink salad to return to Labour and stop handwringing about anti-Semitism. Full story»

San Fran to build housing inspired by Star Wars
SAN FRANCISCO, California -- Rapper Kanye West has devised low-income housing based on the childhood home of Luke Skywalker on the Star Wars planet Tatooine.

A reporter described the prototypes as "skeletons of wooden spaceships." However, it is reported that West refers to the residences as "single-wides." Full story»

Tommy Robinson to be new UK ambassador for USA
LONDON, United Kingdom -- British Prime Minister Almost Elect Boris Johnson intends to appoint Tommy Robinson as the new British ambassador to the USA, being the only suitable liaison to President Donald Trump.

The vacancy occurred when ex-ambassador Sir Nigel Kim Darroch's emails to Theresa May were leaked. They had described Trump as "mad, insane, crazy, and just batshit nuts." Full story»

Trump throws tantrum over bad-temper accusation
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Donald Trump threw the Oval Office coffee machine at the wall and kicked his desk over after the UK Home Office leaked official reports from the UK Ambassador that he is "bad-tempered and unstable."

The leaked cache describes how Trump and Mike Pence resolve differences on curbing Iran's nuclear weapons program (“starve them” or “bomb them”, respectively). Full story»

Johnson to appoint Thanos for Brexit fix
LONDON, United Kingdom -- Boris Johnson has promised Brexiters he will appoint Marvel supervillain Thanos as an MP to break the Brexit deadlock, should he succeed Theresa May as Prime Minister.

As front-runner to lead the Conservative Party, Mr. Johnson’s Brexit strategy is to utilize Mr. Thanos’ Infinity Stones to erase one-half of Mrs. May’s top team from history, as well as ablating the 48 percent of the UK who voted remain. Full story»

Trump presides over feel-good Fourth; opponents outraged
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- U.S. President Donald Trump emceed a militaristic parade on the nation's birthday that enraged his political opposition, notably gushing about how "Our Army...took over airports" during the War of 1812.

The gaffe could be excused, but Trump added that his proposed U.S. Space Force had secured Reagan National as well as LAX. Full story»

Trump gives Kim Jung-un 110% score
DMZ, North Korea--President Donald Trump announced his new protege North Korean leader Kim Jong-un had scored '110%' in his latest exam results. Trump greeted Kim at the DMZ to read out the results.

His homework was to see bomb proof bunkers turned into golf bunkers with sand imported from Saudi Arabia. Trump denied the exam was fixed. Full story»

Mount Everest now the world's second-tallest peak
KHUMBU ICEFALL, Nepal -- Mt. Everest is now officially the second-tallest terrestrial peak, having been beaten out for top spot by a mountain of rubbish left by successive waves of tourists.

Many were lured to the area by the recent Uncyclopedia Press publication of Everest for Dummies and by Wikivoyage's Everest Base Camp Trek guide. Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights July 23

Quinn the Quantum Guy Children
Nick Jr. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
"Hide and Seek." If you cannot see your parents, do they still exist?

Finish Your Peas Drama
Lifetime. 9:00 PM EDT/8:00 CDT
Someday, little Tommy will be DEAD.
THEN they'll be sorry!

Future shock Science documentary
Science Channel 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Scientists gloat about technology takeover. Michio Kaku attempts to help us understand why we have to do what the robots are telling us to.