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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Wednesday, August 4, 2021, 19:09:59 (UTC)

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Disney forcibly vaccinates cartoon characters
BURBANK, California -- The Walt Disney Corporation has unveiled a compulsory vaccination campaign to forcibly jab thousands of trademarked cartoon characters with COVID shots.

The roll-out and implementation has been a nightmare. Certainly the intention was good, but the management has been just plain Goofy. Full story»

Bezos blasts off and returns
HOUSTON, Texas -- Space explorer Jeff Bezos zipped around the Lone Star State before floating back to Earth. Bezos wore a Stetson, similar to the one seen in the film Doctor Strangelove by actor Slim Pickens.

The billionaire founder of Amazon said, "It was seeing Slim riding a nuclear bomb at the end of the film that inspired me to go into space when I had become super-rich." Full story»


England wins the Hooligan final at Wembley
LONDON -- English hooligans are celebrating another win at the Euro 2020 Football fighting competition.

In a close match involving bottles, chairs, security barriers and racist chanting against a weaker Italian contingent at Wembley Stadium, England won the battle "easily." Nigel Farage said, "It was a great match." Full story»

Labour demands right to labour from lounge
LONDON -- Labour have demanded labourers be given the right to labour from home, according to Angela Rayner, the opposition party’s Shadow Cabinet Minister for Appeasement of British Academia Hell-Bent on Tearing Down Statues and Politicising Children.

The MP said that fat-cat property magnates should not be able to force bricklayers to lay bricks at their workplace, when they can easily do so from the comfort of their illegal conservatory extensions on Zoom. Full story»


Cuomo calls gun violence the next Covid
UnNews Logo Potato1.pngALL COVID
ALBANY, N.Y. -- New York Governor Andrew Cuomo declared that gun violence was "the next Coronavirus," issuing a disaster emergency that will enable him to take decisive action without annoying waits for the state legislature in Albany to "pass bills and stuff."

The declaration lets the Governor "quickly allocate resources," assuming a minimum of delays finding new staffers who don't mind a little unwanted kissing. He did not explain how gun violence is contagious enough to be an epidemic. Full story»

Health Secretary probes link between vaccine and adultery
UnNews Logo Potato1.pngALL THE TIME
LONDON -- UK Health Secretary Matt Hancock has advised that a side-effect of the AstraZeneca coronavirus vaccine is extramarital affairs. The demographic is focused around adults between the ages of 41 and 43 employed as Health Secretaries.

Hancock reassured foreign Health Ministers that the chances of them having an affair after vaccination is only about 1 in 200, reducing to 1 in 50 after lunch. Full story»


Washington closes border to Delta variant
DELTA, B.C. -- COVID-19 has taken a turn for the worse. The World Health Organisation[who?] is warning of a deadly "Delta variant", which it named after this population-100,000 suburb of Vancouver.

Across the 49th parallel, Point Roberts, Wash. locals, who have incessantly complained that Canada closed its borders, made an about-face and built a wall overnight. They've now fled by sea to escape the dreaded Delta. All that's left is a ghost town. Full story»

El Humidor switches to Bitcoin
El Humidor -- This Central American nation is to adopt Bitcoin as legal tender. "Bitcoin has no firm backing and is subject to wild fluctuation," said President Bukele. "This makes it equal to anything we could cobble together ourselves."

70% of Humidoreans do not have bank accounts and pay cash because they cannot avail themselves of long lines, surly tellers complaining that the slip isn't filled out correctly, and bank holidays while the banknotes are replaced by ones with fewer zeroes. Full story»


Biden gives Putin a list of websites not to hack
GENEVA -- In the wake of several cyberattacks, U.S. President Joe Biden has given Russian President Vladimir Putin a list of 16 websites that he must take special care not to hack.

The list includes the website of Playboy Magazine, a favorite of son Hunter Biden, and CNN and MSNBC, considered two vital national-security resources. Full story»

Billionaires race to be first in space
MIAMI, Florida -- The race to be the first mega-rich man in space is about to start, Jeff Bezos, the owner of Amazon and the richest man on the planet, competing with Elon Musk.

Bezos has already undergone training and will co-pilot the Blue Ego Origin into space in the next month or so. Full story»


Journalist wins Belarussian lottery
MINSK, Belarus -- Expatriate journalist winning Belarussian Mental Health Lottery! On Sunday, government of Belarus learns Roman Protasevitch flying to Vilnius — but flying over Belarus. Mr. Protasevich has winning Lottery ticket, but never comes to Minsk to collect it.

So Belarus government will deliver winning ticket to Mr. Protasevich. We send special airplane, MIG-24, very fast, to tell Mr. Protasevitch his ticket awaits him in Minsk. Full story»

Amazon builds its own navy
PACIFIC OCEAN -- Amazon owner Jeff Bezos intends to build his own fleet to "protect my interests" around the world.

Bezos is a great admirer of the East India Company, which had its own navy and army and monopolized trade from India. Bezos says his forces would "save American tax dollars," as well as speed up delivery for "Prime" customers. Full story»


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TV Highlights August 4


Opportunity Knox Comedy
ABC 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Accused murderer hottie Amanda Knox answers a roommate wanted ad from a retired Mars rover - hilarity ensues as they clash about everything from kitchen duties to panties drying on the deep space antennae.

Viral Videos ?
TBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Every supposedly hilarious you-tube video you've already been linked to one hundred times on Facebook, in case your day was not dreadful enough already.

TV Highlights Readers Documentary
Discovery 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People who read the TV Highlights section.
No, you're not in it.
What, you think you're the only one who reads this crap?
Stupid narcissist.