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Friday, February 28, 2020, 20:45:59 (UTC)

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Trump faces re-impeachment for "Start your engines" quip
DAYTONA, Florida -- President Donald Trump attended the Daytona 500 and uttered the iconic command, "Gentlemen, start your engines!"

But the remark drew more threats of reprisal from the nation's office-holders than when Mr. Trump told the Attorney General, "I would have given Roger Stone probation, please, if you know what's good for you." Full story»

Big Bad Wolf blows down anti-immigrant wall
DISNEYLAND, California -- The much-trumpeted border wall between Disneyland and Looney Tunes fell apart when the Big Bad Wolf was called in to test its durability.

A spokesmouse for Looney Tunes, Senor Speedy Gonzalez said this was a 'fair test' and showed that Disneyland couldn't build anything substantial. Full story»

Biden support slipping among lying, dog-faced pony soldiers
MANCHESTER, New Hampshire -- The presidential campaign of Joe Biden is losing support from lying, dog-faced pony soldiers.

Mr. Biden’s bedrock support among lying, dog-faced pony soldiers has been seen as perhaps the greatest strength of his campaign. But the closely-watched voting bloc seems to be looking for alternatives. Full story»

Tulsi lawsuit against Hillary thrown out
NEW YORK CITY -- The presiding judge has thrown out a lawsuit filed by Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI) against Hillary Clinton.

Rep. Gabbard's lawsuit sought total damages of $100 million for "malicious and unrepentant conduct." But the judge ruled that the resulting brief notoriety was the most valuable asset in Rep. Gabbard's entire campaign, and she may have to pay Hillary. Full story»

Hillary previews auto-documentary
HOLLYWOOD, California -- Hillary Clinton has revealed tantalizing bits of her forthcoming auto-documentary I, Hillary in an exclusive interview with The Hollywood Reporter.

"It is inconceivable that I was not seen as the natural successor to my husband when his use-by date clicked over. Look at Eva Peron and Kristina Kirchner. Why Imelda Marcos almost aced it and Isabel Dos Santos is still a contender." Full story»

Royal summit takes Gen-X bomb off table
WINDSOR CASTLE -- Queen Elizabeth has managed a "summit" that has guaranteed Prince Harry and Meghan Markle time off from ribbon-cutting and the need to appear mature. The royal family will receive time off from having to treat Harry and Meghan with nominal courtesy.

The youngsters fancy puttering around North America, mostly Canada, where Meghan's darker hue is so fashionable that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau himself avails himself of it from time to time. Full story»

Bernie Sanders denies saying women's place is in the kitchen
CORNVILLE, Iowa -- Serial political offender Bernie Sanders is accused of asserting that a woman has never been elected President of the United States.

Sanders did recall saying something like the Pope would become a Jew and bears would start using public toilets before Elizabeth Warren had a snowflake's chance in hell of beating Donald Trump. Full story»

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TV Highlights February 28

Jesus Slaps the Shit Outta _____. Fantasy
EWTN 6:00 PM EDT/5:00 CDT
This week's guests: American Catholic Bishops.

Spanish Inquisition Game
HIST 6:00 PM EDT/5:00 CDT
Betcha weren't expecting this.

Test Patterns Art history
CBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
In an effort to boost ratings, the network replaces one of its several crime dramas with an hour long slide show of test cards used throughout TV history.