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The news outlet with approval higher than Congress UnNews Wednesday, January 27, 2021, 06:14:59 (UTC)

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Biden issues flurry of orders, nation set to dig out
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Joe Biden has issued a flurry of Executive Orders, and the United States is mobilizing plows, though it may take days to plow it all to one side.

Among the 33 Orders is a push to put Greta Thunberg on the $20 bill, replacing Andrew Jackson, an ex-President rather more thoroughly repudiated than Donald Trump. Full story»

US restarts coronavirus program with fraud checks
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. Government restarted its coronavirus assistance programs, this time with the emphasis on new fraud checks.

Fraud checks had been the emphasis of previous programs. They were paid to hospitals for checking the Covid box on the patient's chart, such as when the patient had a fatal gunshot wound but had been coughing. Full story»


Trump plans peaceful transition
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Donald Trump has tacked to a new course in his effort to "Make America Great Again" after making it great and then wrecking it — now conceding that Joe Biden is going to be the next U.S. President in two weeks, after all.

Trump's strategic parkour comes after a month of failing to persuade state legislatures, the Congress, the Supreme Court, and the public that the election was not as it seems. Full story»

FBI creates website to track down insurrectionists
WASHINGTON, D.C -- The FBI has created a website to find those responsible for Wednesday evening's attack on the Capitol.

Some of the rioters wore masks but others were quite brazen, the "Redcoats" belonging to a "Sir George Cockburn." He was shouting "Stop the Steal of 13 colonies!" — singing funk music and dropping acid in Nancy Pelosi's office. Full story»


Trump about to concede
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a leaked copy of Trump's concession speech, he says, "I have decided to focus my impressive talents on other things until fake ballots are identified, piled up, and burnt on the White House lawn.

"I will continue to manage the important affairs of the United States from Trump Tower and magnanimously let the single worst candidate in the history of America occupy the White House as fake president." Full story»

Pope Francis decides he isn't a Catholic after all
ROME, Italy -- Catholic Church leaders are wrestling with what to do about Pope Francis I after his announcement that he approves same-sex relationships and marriage.

The heavyweight in this wrestling match is Cardinal Torquemada. He said, "Pope Francis needs to be deposed. The church has done it before with wayward pontiffs." UPDATED Full story»


Trump infected, Biden asleep
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump is taking on the evil Coronavirus directly at the source. He has volunteered to catch it to prove that it can be beaten out of the park.

The President's heroic decision to risk his own life and that of others proves that the November 3 election is America's last Great Chance Saloon. Full story»

Pence attacked by Antifa fly
WASHINGTON, D. C. -- Vice President Mike Pence was attacked in a television studio, by a fly. The insect evaded security and a SWAT team as it silently buzzed around and landed in Mike Pence's hair.

Eager to show he was in complete control, Pence endured the fly for over two minutes before it flew away under pursuit by Secret Service agents heavily armed with insect repellent. Full story»

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CLASSIFIED

USED COUNTRY FOR SALE. In a prime location, the country has only had four years with the present driver. Unfortunately, due to an electoral malfunction and failed attempts to restart the country on its intended path, the present driver is forced to sell. Would suit A-class dictator or warlord with sufficient funds to perform a few necessary repairs, as some major ornaments have been damaged in efforts to keep the place under control. Looking for a quick sale, contracts must be exchanged within a week as present owner may need to move. Only 45 drivers. New owner will assume a substantial debt. Full story »
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About UnNews
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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights January 27


No One Is Watching Government
C-SPAN 2:00 PM EDT/1:00 CDT
Why on earth are you even reading this? You KNOW damned well you are going to click over to USA for "Law & Order: SVU" without even checking this out. That's what everybody does. Why should you be any different? We could put on footage of Richard Nixon doing the Obama twins, and STILL no one would see it. Go watch something else. Anything else. NOW.

The Nazi Eaters Documentary
A&E 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People eating fascists.

Topless Doctor's Office Reality
Showtime 3:00 PM EDT/2:00 CDT
Attractive women agree to let cameras into their mammogram sessions. Adult program