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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Saturday, August 15, 2020, 16:07:59 (UTC)

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Kaine welcomes Harris to obscurity
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- One day after presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden selected Kamala Harris as his running mate, Tim Kaine sent the candidate his props.

Kaine was Harris's counterpart in the Hillary Clinton campaign in 2016, something a daily newspaper here felt the need to explain in the headline. Full story»

Harry and Meghan to star in Finding Freedom movie
HOLLYWOOD, California -- Meghan Markle and Harry Sussex have landed a starring movie role in the Disney adaptation of fantasy novel Finding Freedom, a transatlantic tale of a working woman’s marriage to a popular prince.

Disney says they are the perfect choice for the roles, as they have described similar experiences in their own lives, as well as demonstrating authentic on-screen chemistry. Full story»

Trump: Elections not as democratic as my Twitter feed
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Trump addressed the upheaval of his campaign in a Rose Garden press conference scheduled for an update on the Coronavirus.

"I love elections, really I do, they are a good thing, you know, for the country, for veterans. But the next vote will be crooked, everyone knows that, I tweeted it." Full story»

Barbie denies she's a Democrat
EL SEGUNDO, California -- Classic doll Barbie has become the latest American celebrity to accuse a member of the Trump family of spreading malicious lies.

The Barbie in question — spokesperson for the 2020 Campaign Team set — reacted when the President's son accused her of being a Democrat. Full story»

Facebook to replace citizens with Zuckerberg clones
SILICONE VALLEY, California -- Social media mogul Facebook has announced the roll-out of the Zuckerberg Replacement Program (ZRP), to replenish lives (and newsfeeds) tragically lost.

Facebook’s team of scientific algorithms have found a way to grow clone Zuckerbergs in a matter of days, through the extraction of underpant DNA. Full story»

RoboFeds invade Portland
PORTLAND, Oregon -- Attorney General Barr confirmed the government has sent in RoboFeds into the city to chase after Antifa, Black Lives Matter and "revolutionary vegans."

The RoboFeds' all-metal look and finish got all the bad actors off the streets, and back into the theatres where they belonged. Full story»

Rapper Kanye runs for President
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Rapper Kanye West has announced his candidacy for President.

The bejewelled musician/fashion brand and his wife Kim Kardashian — who once broke the Internet by appearing nude and wiggling her generously proportioned ass — said they were up for the challenge to make America cool again. UPDATED Full story»

Urgent review ordered for Covid death recording
LONDON, United Kingdom -- Health Secretary Matt Hancock has ordered an urgent review into how daily COVID-19 death figures are calculated, after a disparity in figures published in England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland.

“The results appear to be based on taking the list of infected people, and deciding whether they are dead, might be dead, should be dead or it’s better all around if they were dead.” Full story»

Judge halts execution of killer because of coronavirus
INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana -- A judge halted the execution of a child killer, saying the Justice Department should have considered concerns about the coronavirus.

The victim's mother filed the complaint because COVID makes travel difficult. They oppose the execution, but would like front-row seats. Earlene Peterson said seeing Lewis be put to death would be a fine occasion for a reunion and perhaps a reprise of her delectable potato salad. UPDATED Full story»

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Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights August 15

The Real Scottish Referendum Documentary
BBC 1 7:00 PM GMT
The BBC reveals that only 1% of the population support Alex Salmon in the Scottish referendum. (Despite the fact that the BBC is a public service the government has in no way biased the making of this documentary).

Panorama Investigates:Does Scotland actually Influence Great Britain? Documentary
Channel 4 8:00 PM GMT
A Channel 4 reporter goes undercover disguised in a kilt to interview Scottish people and force them to tell C4 that they are unemployed.

Argentine Invasion of Scotland Plans Revealed Documentary
Channel 5 5:30 PM GMT
Channel 5 gets a new insite into the real Argentine motives as it covers an unemployed ex-Admiral of the Fleet who wants a war so that he can have an excuse to get his job back as he campaigns to prove that Argentina is still a threat to the nation.