“DON'T TALK.....DON'T TALK.....DON'T TALK.....SMILE AND CLAP.....DON'T TALK”
Joe —"that old, obscure white guy standing next to that young, infinitely more charismatic (and clean) black guy"—Biden is best known for being the Vice Presidential pick of President Barack "Pronounces Words Correctly" Obama. Obama, aside from being the first openly black president of the United States, is the only reason anyone will ever remember the name: Biden. His wife and children, prior to the 2008 Presidential Election, had frequently mistaken Biden for various pieces of household furniture and would often bring him to the local antique shop and have him appraised. This would later prove particularly embarrassing during an unfortunate appearance on the PBS program Antiques Roadshow.
Early Life and Political Career
First Presidential Campaign and Birth, 1944
Joe Biden was born November 20, 1942, and was one of four children. Joe Biden was allegedly born in Scranton, Pennsylvania, where 99% of all politicians call home. Biden is known for his public gaffes even in childhood, such as the famous incident where he asked FDR if he would "Stand up. Stand up, Frank; let them see ya...Oh shit, you're a God-damned cripple, aren't you?!."
Shortly thereafter, Biden became the first seven-year-old boy ever to run for president. Considered a shoo-in against mad scientist Harry "Kill Them Japs" Truman, Biden was disqualified from the 1948 presidential election due to his being both under 35 years old, and of course, being a frickin' mental child. Fearful of losing again, Joe Biden vowed to never run again until he was confident that his lack of lack of age, social development experience, and potty training would not play a factor.
After a brief stint as Neil Kinnock's speechwriter, Biden found a career as a mildly successful adult film actor who starred in films such as the original "Deep Throat", "School of Cock", and much more. This is where he earned the nickname Joe "Bull Balls" Biden. He also became the leading face in Henessy ad commercials and played one of the old guys in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. In his line of work, he met many politicians such as Nancy Pelosi and his future running mate Barack Obama. After meeting during an interracial threesome, Biden and Obama became fast friends and later ran in the 2008 election together for the Democrat vote. Though Biden has often been gaffe-prone and occaisionally threatened Obama with gun-violence, the two continue to be good friends.
Second Presidential Campaign, 2008
Biden was first elected in 1973 in the State of Delaware. Unfortunately, Delaware is one of the smallest states in the US, third only after Rhode Island and Queen Latifah. As a result, no one can recall having seen or heard of this "Joe Biden" until the 2008 Democratic Presidential Primary. There, he eventually lost to two young, inexperienced and non-potty trained opponents.
To add insult to irony, the eventual victor turned out to be Baracka Obama, the younger, less experienced and blacker of the two. Unlike Joe Biden, however, people actually knew his name and he even inspired a religious cult. Members of the cult believed Obama was the son of God, and would often bathe in fresh goat blood during ceremonies known as an "Baracka-brations" In addition, during the general election, John McCain, a Republican much older and experienced than Biden himself, was also defeated.
According to various sources, Joe Biden was also part of the 2008 Election Process, though no one interviewed for this story even knows who or what a "Joe Biden" is. The majority of people surveyed thought he was some sort of new "Starbuck's coffee-drink."
Third Presidential Campaign, 2020
For many Democrats their choice for president seemed to be Bernie Sanders (Oldest American Socialist), any woman of color, any man who wasn't straight or a geek to appeal to suburban nerds. No one expected Joe Biden would try to make it third time lucky. His Democrat party oppoenents painted Biden as one step off (not Lady) Gaga. A 77 year old electoral savior appeared to be a bad joke. But then, as often in history and politics the unexpected happenend. China let loose the Coronavirus.
Normal politics were put on hold. Whilst President Donald Trump dismissed it as a bad cold that be cured by injecting bleach, Biden got the nomination from his party with barely a murmur of dissent. That was the last most people saw of him in March 2020. Biden became the Invisible Challenger, seldom seen except for some video conferencing with chosen supportive interviewers.
In November 2020 Biden gained the most votes and a majority in the electoral college. After speculation he wouldn't get there, Sleepy Joe narrowly crossed the finish line and was installed as president on January 20, 2021. Will he stay there for the next four or eight years, or will he be a new William Henry Harrison? President of the United States for one mighty month in 1841.
Biden was the father of three children and proud husband to Neilia Hunter. Then God, mistaking him for Job Biden, decided to take (i.e. murder) one of his children as part of a bet with the devil over the strength of his faith. Realizing that losing a child can be very difficult for a mother, God decided to kill Biden's wife too, allowing him to became a single father of two children...two severely injured and now motherless children. Until then, Biden had always been a mild-mannered "Clark Kent" type of person.
Biden's memoir, entitled "Joe Biden: I'm infinitely more intelligent than that more well-known (and more mentally handicapped) Sarah Palin who once had a dream about eating a giant marshmallow, and when she woke up, SHE COULD SEE RUSSIA RIGHT OUT OF HER FUCKING WINDOW!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! I'm resigning!" was the worst selling book of any kind ever produced in history, most fortune cookie writers and Wikipedia editors have received larger audiences and acclaim. It even beat out such terrible literature such as Hitler: He's the kind of guy you'd like to have a beer with...then kill nine million people and "Images of Nude Men on Cave Walls: No, those aren't spears!" After the failure of his memoir (which took eight years to complete) and the thirteen made-directly-for-tv movies it spawned, Biden has since retired from the world of literature.
- Many dispute this claim, since Pennsylvanians have notoriously poor record-keeping skills, as can be demonstrated by their lack of statehood records prior to the 1770s.
Democrats and Liberals
Free and flirty is more fun
|Presidents: Biden (Harris) • Obama • Clinton (Gore) • Carter (Mondale) • LBJ • Kennedy|
|Also Ran: H.R. Clinton (Not Bill) • Jackson • Kerry • Sanders • Warren|
|Commentators: • CNN • MSNBC • Castro • Chavez • Clooney • Cortez • Pelosi • Stormy|