James Monroe

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They called him Doctor America
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about James Monroe.

Doctor James Monroe was the great-great-great-grandfather of Marilyn Monroe. Accidentally he also became the fifth of the United States Presidents. He invented a medicine against America's incontinence, the Monroe Doctrine, by declaring the independence of the big land stripe between Pacific Ocean and Atlantic Ocean, making it an interest sphere of its own, just to keep George Washington's and Simón Bolívar's anti-colonial achievements alive. His doctrine had a special taste which received its fame later, when John Pemberton reinvented it for his original Cocaine Cola. When the drink had to be undrugged to survive as just another red-brown lemonade the original taste of America got lost forever.

Risks and side effects[edit]

James Monroe was a lousy pharmacist when he created his doctrine, but once America swallowed the medicine it became effective until today. It's effect should be that 'All of the Americas belong to the USA', meaning that no European power should 'meddle' in Uncle Sam's backyard, but how it was to be enforced wasn't agreed upon, and among the Conservatives there have always been politicians who thought "The USA are all of America", including the actual President Donald Trump. The risk is that the medicament is uneffective under such presidents. President JFK read and understood the medicine's leaflet in the 1962 Cuban Missile Crisis and successfully kept the Russians out of the American sphere despite of a possible side effect, the blow-up of the planet, since that affair was almost a matter of nuclear warfare.


  • Monroe composed the world's all-time No. 1 Hit Happy Birthday To You. It became popular in the White House version of Monroe's great-great-great-granddaughter Marilyn. It was forbidden in the Soviet Union because it was "doctrinary" stuff from the decadent Western World.
  • Monroe became president when he realized that his great-great-granddaughter Marilyn would be more successful than him otherwise. He did this by drugging the majority of the population into voting for him using his aforementioned cola.

Preceded by:
Guys box each other in his garden
His Lip Gloss,
President of the United States

March 4, 1817March 4, 1825
Succeeded by:
Quincy Jones...close?