The Lord of the Rings
- This article is about the motion picture Lord of the Rings. For other Lords of the Rings, see Lord of the Rings (disambiguation). For the musical Lord of the Rings, please see a trained psychiatric professional.
The Lord of the Rings is a really, really long film trilogy directed by Peter Jackson and based on the
book trilogy book initially published in three volumes by J. R. R. Tolkien. It is about a group of short people trying to solve a problem by going on a really, really long journey, and taking way too long to do it. Because they could have just flown there on a giant eagle and saved a lot of hassle.
About the book
The original Lord of the Rings novel was written by J.R.R. Tolkien, as a rewrite of the Bible, such that it would appeal to modern audiences. Tolkien took a keen interest in children's literature (and children in general), since he was Catholic. As such, he was well aware that children began to get quite bored after reading the same old stories from the various novels of the Bible (although Exodus remained very popular, and even spawned an animated film later on, called "The Prince of Egypt"). He decided it was time for a more exciting rewrite of the Bible.
Hobbits, known to Men as "halflings" and Elves as "Periannath", are a race of midgets who live in a rural community called "The Shire." They don't seem to get or like complex technology. Hobbits tend to be shy of "the Big Folk" (seriously, that REALLY IS what they call Men), and are very elusive. Their favorite pastimes are smoking marijuana (which they call "pipe-weed"), drinking alcoholic beverages, and stuffing themselves.
- Frodo Baggins: (not to be confused with a Dutch mink farmer with laser-beam eyes). Probably the most useless hero in the history of literature, Frodo is a total loser who's always getting his ass in trouble. He spends the majority of the story falling over on rocky slopes, going white in the face, dribbling, getting captured by orcs, getting wrapped up in webs and being nice to small bald creatures who talk to themselves. Sam always saves him. Frodo typically finds himself contemplating his situation, acting in a manner that is practically begging for Sam to provide some inspirational speech that apparently motivates Frodo. At the end, Frodo becomes seduced by the ring's power, almost cocks the whole thing up, and is saved by Sam. Typically, Frodo takes all the credit. His hobbies include laughing, drinking, smoking hash, drinking, eating, drinking, pulling the same silly face every time he gets stabbed, and drinking.
- Samwise Gamgee: The coolest character, he is charged with destroying the Burger ring in Mordor by KFC. It is well known that he carries a full two story house on his back. Unfortunately, Frodo got pissed off with him until Sam made him the main character and supplemented with a shag.
- Meriadoc "Merry" Brandibuck: Curly brown hair, looks like Pippin. Likes to steal vegetables, smoke, eat, drink and kill orcs in VERY BIG BATTLES. Also likes to catch rides on top of walking trees. Somehow manages not to get trampled by a stampede of horses and finds heavenly comfort in sleeping in huge horse-shit warm cakes.
- Peregrine 'Pippin' Took Curly brown hair, looks like Merry. Is super adorable and much funnier than Merry, because he is a Took, and as a Took, is quite foolish. Frequently does dumb shit, but remains adorable. Likes to steal vegetables, smoke, eat, drink and save slightly disoriented captains from certain death by burning.
- Bilbo Baggins Frodos good ol' uncle, and the one that stole the Ring from Gollum and started this whole bloody business in the first place. He should have just sold the stupid ring to the Justice League.
- Legolas Son of Armless. Walks on snow. Sinks in water. Can shoot five hundred arrows per second while sliding down stairs on a shield. Has luscious locks and lives in a huge forest called Mirkwood. Has a secret urging for the Sea for some unfathomable reason. Is a total boss when it comes to fighting in war and loyally follows Arogon to battle for the sake of middle earth. Should have won an award for best bromance with Gimli cause that shit was better then any twilight love story. Legolas acquired considerable notoriety from his hit single "they're taking the Hobbits to Isengard" FT.Celeborn and Gollum.
- Agent Elrond Also known as Elf-Lord Smith, Elrond Hubbard, Steve Howe, Megatron, Eyebrows, or "V". An eternally pissed off and annoying unsavory bastard hybrid who really, really, really thinks he is a wise-guy.
- Galadriel She's single and ready. She freaks out when given coffee or when short little men with hairy feet hold up magical rings in her face. Her daughter, Celebrian, was an accidental child. When Galadriel was 15 she met Celeborn at a neighborhood party and shortly after a few drinks of mead she found herself in a closet with him. Lives in Lothlorien at the top of a tree, is liked by everyone who meets her and is referred to as the Evil Sorceress in the Wood by everyone else.
- Celeborn He's mostly quiet because Galadriel does most of the talking. He decides to stay out of the movie after his initial appearance with Galadriel because no one gives a shit about him. He gained importance later in his life, much after the time of The Lord of The Rings when he decided to stay in Russia, under the alias Yorgi.
- Arwen Amazingly, incredibly hot. Obsessed with Aragorn. Tends to let him 'glide in'. Now lives in Minas Tirith like everyone else. "Accidentally" falls off the tower every few days.
Men & Women
- Aragorn Also known as 'Strider'. A mysterious homeless nomad, who likes very large and sharp swords (for his hard itchy beard) and sleeping in the woods. Fancies pretty ladies, got married to Arwen - and he still gets huge amounts of poon. Looks very confused when being told that "They are taking the hobbits to Isengard". His hobbies include stabbing orcs in the face (after doing so,generally cracks a one-liner "now its- in your face.") , leading crazy charges on giant armies, speaking grimly, sneaking off for a bit of PCP whenever nobody is looking, and trying his absolute best to look like Jesus H. Christ.
- Boromir (e.g. the human pincushion) A character who is obsessed with Ninja Wizards, one mean bastard no one likes. His father is the steward of Gondor, which is the reason why Boromir dislikes Aragorn, the legal king of Gondor who is coming to put his dad and him out of a job (refer to civic bodies to understand overemployement). Boromir tries to take the ring, then suddenly regrets it, gets attacked by terrorists and dies. "Damn karma", were told to be his last words. Sadly he didn't have time to convert to Hinduism or listen to any songs by John Lennon at that point. He gets to save a few hobbits and make peace with Aragorn before dying, so guess it wasn't such a bad case.
- Denethor The morbid and strange father of Boromir. He ends his life in the third movie, when he attempts to parachute off the top of Minas Tirith. Without a parachute. While on fire.
- Faramir The younger brother of Boromir, Faramir is the unloved and unwanted son of Denethor. Growing up, Faramir was confined to the dungeons of Gondor as Denethor lavished his older brother with games, drugs, booze and women. Has been known to lock himself in his room and cry himself to sleep.
Trees that Move
- Treebeard A tree that walks reaaaallllly slow, speaks in a voice that's reaaaallllly low, and watches other trees burn reeeealllly fast.
- All the other random ones Good at chucking rocks, bad at handling the sight of axes.
- Gimli A midget metalhead, who loves axing orcs a question and making contests with Legolas. He is the son of Groin.
The Bad Guys With Big Swords and Stuff
- Orcs They are black and evil, angry and ugly, and have an average lifespan of two seconds (or just long enough to provide a good shot in the midst of a battle to inform the viewer which side is prevailing). They like killing, but generally get killed themselves. They do not look too good on fire. Many orcs are also addicted to drugs, as can be seen by their abnormal behavior. Not to be confused with the mafia or black people.
- Lurtz The biggest badass around! Especially when he becomes level 3 and gets carnage. HA NO MORE GONDOR HORN FOR YOU BOROMIR! Lurtz gets stabbed in the leg, his arm severed, stabbed in his chest and ends with his head being chopped off by Aragorn, which wasn't the most peaceful and painless way to go. Lost most of his items and respawned in Lumbridge. Had a succesful career being a door-to-door salesman for Lord of The Ring dvds.
- Haradrim A group of circus freaks with spears. I don't know what the hell they feed their elephants to make them so big but have tiny penises. Probably steroids. Anyway, they seem to like bananas and their cultural hobby is to get pwned by idiots on horses. Likes lurking in big dirty places.
- Sauron (Also known as the Necromancer, Gorthaur the Cruel, Cthulu, the Enemy, Thû, Mairon, Annatar, Aulendil, the Dark Lord of Mordor, the Red Eye, Zigûr, the Lord of the Rings, Artano, the Dark Power, the Lord of Werewolves, the Sorcerer, Razor, the Ring-maker, Mairo the Admirable, and Tar-Mairon.) Yes, I know, he's been around for a very long time. The bad guy of the story. He used to be a great dark lord, who had the ability to send out electronic shock via his mace, but then that damn Isildur came and cut off his finger, and he only wanted to help him get up. Much like how Bella in Twilight isn't actually described, no one really know what danger Sauron represents. If he regains the ring will he be be able to cast meteor; or transform into his phase 3 Kaiju form? I mean, it doesn't make him invisible and he was already immortal; what does it actually let him do? If it made him lich, than why would he carry his phylactery into battle; please don't tell me Davy Jones is smarter than Sauron. After moaning for his ring for a few thousand years, Sauron started to gather an army. He didn't have a normal physical form, instead he showed himself as a massive eye. Personally, this is not the form I'd have chosen if I'd been all-powerful (I would have chosen the equally cheap space gas). A big lizard would have been better, at least he would have had TWO eyes; but they couldn't afford that until the prequel. Sauron died anti-climatically when a munchkin dared another addict to pull his finger in a volcano.
- Ring Wraiths Also known as the Nazi-ghouls. The Ring Wraiths were once S.S. officers, however Sauron managed to trick them into becoming ghosts by giving them all rings (simulating marriages effect on men). These rings were supposed to make them invisible, but their cloth and swastika and their weapons can still be seen. No, I don't get that either. Now they ride about on horses or dragons searching endlessly for Ring, and stabbing short people. They have absolutely no effect on anyone that is over four feet tall, as is evident when a completely untrained girl managed to stab their leader to death with a large heavy mace that the girl could not lift. It has also been suggested that the Ring Wraiths are ancestors of Hannah Montana due to their horrible, high-pitched screech voices which are so unbearable that they paralyze nearby listeners.
- Witch King A.K.A. Bitch King, A renouned pimp and the Biggest and Baddest of the Ringwraiths, leader of the 'Ring wraith gang' at Middle Earth Dark Lord's Servants College, and soon to be a General of Sauron. He stabs Frodo in the first book with a morgul blade. There are those that say no man can kill him (This does not apply to women or short people). He also likes to party with Sauron and his orcs in the Ass Crack of Doom, sometimes baking cakes using the lava.
- Gollum A small, miserable creature that has absolutely no redeeming qualities, oh no precious, none at all. If I had to choose between him and a fire breathing whore, I'd go for the slut every time. He mindlessly follows Frodo, and desperately hungers for the little golden ring around Frodo's neck, which seems to be a stronger addictive than heroin or cocaine, and quite a bit more evil. His daily activities include strangling hairy-footed people, saying the word "precious", and making sure he's wearing enough clothes to keep the movie PG-13. And he manages to turn Mordor into dust just by accidentally falling into a lava pool, yes my precious. He was once called Smeagol. On his birthday, his friend Deagol caught the Ring on a fishing trip. However, Smeagol killed Deagol and took the ring from him. Gollum can currently be found as the doorman to Hell.
- Shelob Massive spider. Was a fan of Die Hard although she did not enjoy the fourth film which lead to her attack on poor Frodo, whom she somehow stabbed with her stinger even though he was wearing his mithril armour... She is part of the band Blue previously known as Crap and has plans to begin her own chatshow called Cobwebs. Went to Middle Earth Dark Lord's Servants College with the Balrog (see below), used to have an immense crush on him all the way until graduation, at the prom, he asked to go with him, overjoyed, she silked everywhere, instantly humiliating herself beyond belief, hence the reason she lives in caves where nobody can see her, except a few reject orcs, whom she feeds upon really, slowly boosting her self confidence back, another reason she wants her own T.V. show. She is defeated by Sam, with the help of a magic sword, a magic jewel, and a good deal of insect spray.
- Balrog A serious flamer mixed of deep shadow eyeliner and raging fire for which Preparation H has no affect. The Balrog very nearly killed Gandalf the Grey, only to be killed by same in a fashon that can only be described as "Awesome." Enjoys Garth Brooks. Is a fan of Twilight.
Gandalf the Grey Gandalf is an aged pwner, but luckily he still has a staff (batteries not included) and a sword that he uses to kill all dem n00bs in the Wildy. When pking he likes to use the Ice Barrage spell to quickly immobilize and kill. Even though he is one of the most powerful beings on Middle Earth and is pretty much an angel, he still likes to spend his free time smoking weed with hobbits and making fireworks. He becomes white later on, proving that Tolkien was racist towards grey people. He pretty much ended the war with the strongest spell ("Put some 22's on that sumbitch" ) of all the world when they were cornered by the orcs.
Saruman the White A bipolar KKK white supremacist who creates black orcs to kill white people in order to ensure white dominance. Dies in movie 3/book 3. Also enjoys singing on top of his 500 foot tower so Gandalf can get snowed-in. Universally hated.
Radagast the Brown Radagast "The Radical" "The Brown" is a well known Wizard Terrorist. He is responsible for the planes crashing into Isengard. He is also a hippy. God Damned Hippies. And he's a dick for not appearing in any of the movies.
Lord of the Rings fans have a distinct lack of personality and obesity. (Yes, you read that aright. "Distinct lack of obesity." The sort of nerds who run around all day dressed in armour and toting around gigantic swords usually end up pretty damned fit.) The proportion of people who actively discuss Lord of the Rings, as opposed to reading once and then saying - 'That was brilliant book. I might read it again sometime and bring it up in casual conversation' who don't have sex on a regular basis is startling. A recent poll conducted by the Washington Post reported that 99% of interviewees were virgins, with a 2% margin of error.
Fanfiction and Extraneous
The Lord of the Rings is renowned for its ability to produce fanfiction faster than than an oil spill on an ocean. In theory it is because everyone who reads the book realizes how useless humans are and cut themselves over not being a hobbit or an elf. In actuality it is because they are unimaginative nerds who don't have a copy of DnD handy.
Perhaps the most well known fanfiction writer is Peter Jackson. Peter Jackson made such a good fanfiction, in fact, that a lot of people who didn't wear suspenders or knew what MUSH was also saw it. Eventually he made a bit of money and devoted it to research on a telephone that could phone wherever J.R.R "I swear it's not an allegory for anything" Tolkien was so that he could tell him how he successfully invented the Lord of the Rings. Tolkien immediately set out to write another story. Using the Ctrl+H function, he used his Lord of the Rings manuscript and replaced all instances of "black" with "white" and "darkness" with "pretty pretty rainbows". This new revised version was called 'Lord of the Rings - 21st century edition' and sold very well in Canada, San Francisco, and across Oxford Street in Sydney. Some argue that this is not fanfiction at all; but all agree that it surpassed Peter Jackson's racially motivated work.